divorcing dad has a new girlfriend do i tell mum?

[citten]

My parents separated two years ago and are going through a messy divorce.

we are quite a neurodivergent bunch and don't react typically.

My mum made me promise to tell her if dad dates again and how devastated she would be if we all knew and kept it from her. Felt reasonable at the time.

Dad has a new girlfriend, it all happened so fast in the past month.

Dad took the marital home because my mum left.

Dad and mum aren't talking but Dad doesn't mind if she knows about the girlfriend. I know now i was wrong to promise to tell mum, but i also can't be bothered to deal with her reaction. i know she will ask lots of questions, could be devastated knowing the lady goes into her house.

I know the way my mums brain works, if i don't tell her she will see it as an enormous betrayal, me taking my dads side in the divorce, and will wonder what else the family is hiding. My sibling is low contact with my mum.

Do i tell her?

How would she find out unless you told her?

You promised you would, so I would tell her but say you don't know details. You'll have to deal with a scene either way, when you tell her about the gf or when she finds out you knew and didn't tell her.

I can't see a reason not to tell her. Presumably she has agreed to DF keeping the house, so she must expect him to invite friends there

In this situation, as you promised, you should tell her. Keep it as brief as possible. Tell her that he has met someone but you know very little about her or the situation. Do not entertain questioning and do not engage in further conversations.

I'd say I promised I'd tell you so here it is, but I don't know or want to know or discuss any details.

Yes, you need to tell her, but leave it at that. If she interrogates you, just say you don’t know any details, who she is, how they met etc. Just say your dad mentioned in passing, then start talking about Strictly, Traitors etc!

Agree with pp - you must tell her. Keep it brief. Be prepared with answers eg “I can only tell you what I know mum, I’m not hiding anything but I can’t tell you what I don’t know myself”.

if I was your mum I might ask

have you met her
whats she like
is she attractive
how old is she
where is she from/where does she live
what does she do for a living
how did he meet her
when did he meet her
is it serious
does your dad seem happy
is she moving into my house
is dad moving into her house
does she have children

As you promised, I say yes; you have to tell her because she's just lived through a bunch of broken promises (regardless of who was at fault in the divorce), so "promise" is likely a loaded concept. But I'd preface it with: "This is all I know, and now I'm not talking about it any more". Completely reasonable boundaries to put in place, and then you have to stick to them. She asks a question: " Sorry, Mum, I told you I don't know..." on repeat.

You promised so of course you should.

You don't sound very respectful of your mum, especially given you're prepared to discuss this on a forum with thousands of strangers.

Keep it brief and try to keep out of it.

But to say you cba to deal with her upset feelings is a bit harsh to say you're talking about the woman who gave birth to you and brought you up!

Just tell her. She’ll find out at some point anyway.

i'll tell her. i'm just really bad at lying. I've known about it for a month, know everything, she is better with words than me and will keep pushing and i find boundary setting very hard.

Tell her you don't know the details and that you can't have a conversation with her if she is going to keep pushing you for information. Suggest she ask dad. Then walk away.

She was unfair to expect you to keep her posted. Who your dad dates is actually none of her business anymore ( and likewise anyone she dates) but I guess you promised so you’re slightly stuck now. Going forward i
would refuse to get into conveying information in this way …. It’s really tedious

Just pretend you don’t know