Meeting friend for regular lunch v being invited just to fill their time ?

[bonemarrow809]

Why do I feel that when my friend wants to meet up on random day & times, inbetween and in addition to our regular weekly lunch dates, it's only to serve to fill their time ? these ''random'' day/times are only ever when my friend is at a lose end/home alone. We will have already been out/due to be out for our regular lunch, but then it could be e.g ''Monday night let's go out for dinner'' .. err dinner on a random Monday night ???? when most places are empty ??? .. and when I will be due to see you later in the week for lunch ???

I just feel I am only asked as this friend has time they need to fill.

Comments like ''you don't like this friend much do you'' or '' be lucky this friend chooses to spend their free time with you'' or the likes, are not welcome as neither of these are true.

Surely she can only meet up with you when she’s at a loose end? She can’t do it when she’s busy.

Do you ever suggest a meeting time OP? You could do it at a time that suits you!

I think this kind of thought process is typical of self destructive behaviour.
It seems obvious that she is inviting you to “fill her time”. She enjoys your company and therefore is happy to “fill it” with you.
I also spontaneously ask friends to do things when I have free afternoons🤷‍♀️

Are you quite a rigid thinker OP? Do you not like doing things spontaneously?

I love it when friends randomly ask me to do something with them, and I am prone to asking other people to doing things randomly. why not if you like that person's company.

I do, however, have a more rigid thinking friend who likes everything to be more regimental and planned and is thrown off if I even have to change to day of the regular thing we do.

You might just have different personality styles but I think you're jumping to a negative conclusion instead of recognising the positives, which is that she thinks of you when she wants to do something socially. It doesn't mean you have to drop everything and see her if you are busy or tired or would rather stay in. But it doesn't sound like your friend is doing anything wrong here unless there is more to the story....

Well, I suppose most social interactions are just 'filling someone's time's whether pre- planned or not. Is it making you feel used or less valued?

@bookmarket ''Are you quite a rigid thinker OP? Do you not like doing things spontaneously? You might just have different personality styles but I think you're jumping to a negative conclusion instead of recognising the positives, which is that she thinks of you when she wants to do something socially. It doesn't mean you have to drop everything and see her if you are busy or tired or would rather stay in. But it doesn't sound like your friend is doing anything wrong here unless there is more to the story'' ..

THIS

Maybe I am a bit of a rigid thinker ? I also like my nights in, especially as I have got older (we are both mid 50s). But saying no just because I would rather have a night in would not go down too well with this friend at all.

You seem a bit paranoid almost. Why can you only see your friend on set days and times, and only once a week? I sometimes see a place that I want to go to and then I ask one of my friends if they want to go. It never crosses my mind that my friend would think I'm at a loose end and that she is just some kind of filler. She is just a friend that I like to do things with.

But saying no just because I would rather have a night in would not go down too well with this friend at all.

@bonemarrow809 this is odd. she's not the boss of you. You are a 50+ year old woman and if you want to stay in, do it. sounds like you see her far too much for your liking, you can pull back and see her less if you want.

So say you have plans already. You don't need to tell her that the plans are for a quiet night in.

Isn't that always the case when people suggest meeting up? If I'm at a loose end I might contact a friend and ask if they want to meet up for coffee and they do the same.
I don't understand the problem

I think it is absolutely fine to say to a friend 'i'm free Monday evening, fancy dinner?'.

It's also absolutely fine to reply 'no, I'm knackered and staying home in my PJs thanks. See you on Thursday for lunch though'.

I think I do feel a bit used ... my friend is clearly home alone and needs entertaining .. or that is how it feels. I do a lot of activities on my own, and prefer it that way .. it's easier and I then don't have to worry about someone else wanting to change the details/time/activity or accommodating for their needs when eg all I wanted was a 3 hour hike on a specific hiking route (this friend has form for trying/needing/wanting to completely change all the plans to suit them, including making the plans last a hell of a lot longer to 'fill their time'' .. or so it feels)

Your friend isn't doing anything wrong. Their social battery needs to be filled more than yours. It's okay for her want to spend down time with you. You don't have to say yes.

I have to schedule in social time. I would very rarely be up for a Monday catch up, especially if I am meeting people for lunch later in the week. I like my friends and enjoy spending time with them. I work full time work, my husband and DC are my priority.

@bonemarrow809
In that case let your friend be a bit put out, it’s not the end of the world. If you don’t fancy going just say not this time and make clear the activities you prefer to do alone because you don’t want them modified.
If she doesn’t like it she can deal with it just like you can find the best way to deal with her spontaneous invites.

@CherryViper ''I have to schedule in social time. I would very rarely be up for a Monday catch up, especially if I am meeting people for lunch later in the week. I like my friends and enjoy spending time with them. I work full time work, my husband and DC are my priority.''

THIS TOTALLY

I don't feel guilty saying no. In fact, I would have a conversation with them to say I would like to get together when we have agreed so we can spend time together. Thanks for your kind invitation and for thinking of me. I am unlikely to go for last minute plans, I like to arrange things in advance.

I also have a don't pop in, don't bring extra people with your to the house. Mostly I need boundaries because OHs friends and my extended family don't have any.

Im with you op. Much prefer my own time. Happy to do catch ups but not random extra fill ins.
do you ever decline them?

this!

It sounds like your issue is your friend wants to see you more than you want to see her. Which is fine on both of your parts. But just tell her that, not get weird making random rules about why dinner on a Monday evening is apparently wrong (when else are you going to eat dinner? you aren't exactly going to go for breakfast in the evening, are you?)

Of course they are contacting you when they are at a loose end. They aren't going to be contacting you when they are busy, are they?

For me there are two different scenarios here

1. I'm thinking of going to X for dinner on Monday, do you fancy joining me?

1. I'm alone on Monday and want someone to come for dinner with me, will you come?

In the first instance it would come depending on if I was free, fancied it and liked the place they were going.
In the second instance I'd find it more difficult to say no but would also feel a bit used. It would depend on how we were both doing. I have friends who are going through hard times and if they asked me I'd be more willing. If it was someone that can't be alone and it was a regular occurrence I'm not sure

This is what it fills like - random extra fill ins.

@super it's put like option 2, but said in a slightly different manner. My friend is totally incapable of being alone. If it was " there's a band on at X tonight shall we go" or " a new restaurant has opened shall we try it".. type of thing .or if she needs a friend for advice/ hug/ ear/ whatever then of yes course. But it's "are you free tonight" ( said in not so many words) and then "what do you want to do" or "where should we go for dinner" .. ITS JUST MEETING FOR THE SAKE OF IT. A band/busy pub on a weekend night .. sure .. but sitting in an empty restaurant just for the sake of it .. or just sitting at hers for a few hours. I would rather do that at home, in my pjs/comfies with my DH.