Friend asks about my finances but keeps her own mortgage private

[tanktopis]

My really good friend asks lots of questions about my finances. I trust her and am fairly open, so i was happy to share. I am further ahead than her so i guess she was looking for guidance.

Then after asking me all about my mortgage etc, and i gave her honest answers about numbers and how much i pay a month, I asked her how much her mortgage was, and she said she prefers to keep that private.

It made me feel really weird because why ask me if she's not willing to share?

It's just left me feeling a bit betrayed and rejected and used for some reason. I know i will keep my finances more private moving forward but can anyone give their thoughts on this situation? I never gave any impression it was private for me, so i guess it's my own fault

What did she say when you asked her that question?

that she likes to keep it private

Yeah did you not say to her she was a cheeky bastard for asking you but staying schtum herself after you’d told her?

Let that be a lesson not to discuss finances

That is wierd and rude.

It can be helpful to discuss finances but thinking her details are private whilst yours are up for discussion is ridiculous.

I would tell her bluntly it's rude to ask questions you wouldn't answer yourself. She's prying and then refusing to reciprocate, it's not the way friends behave.

Thinking about it I have a habit of answering "you go first" of people ask rude questions 😂sorts the wheat from the chaff in these situations 😂

there's just this pit in my stomach when i think about it i don't know why it effected me so much.

The questions just slowly got more personal. i think i was just really open and enthusiastic so she asked natural questions following that. So i do think it's my fault.

Well yes it was your fault for answering but presumably you did so thinking it was a part of a good faith reciprocal conversation. Have you told her she’s a rude bitch? If not, why not? This is why people get away with grade A arseholery, because nobody calls them out

So did you not tell her that was really cheeky?

no i didn't and i'm not going to. I blame myself and it's a less learned. These conversations didn't happen on the same day and she didn't have a mortgage when she asked me about mine.

It's because she was asking questions knowing full well she wouldn't answer the same questions herself. You feel tricked and you don't really know what her ulterior motive was - at the back of your mind you're aware that she probably feels she got one up on you but, again, why? I think you're having a perfectly normal response. For what it's worth, I can also be an oversharer and completely empathise with your position. I try to be more wary these days. Don't beat yourself up about it though. You're an honest person and that's a lovely thing to be!

I've also felt this. When you are an open person it is hurtful and feels like rejection. These people are not friends. They are jellyfish, one minute you're swimming happily having a great time then they sting you and ruin the day, and leave a sore mark - the pit you feel. Just do what I do now, say "you go first, people who are genuine will and then you can be open as well. What a shame op, but the shame is on her.

So this was a dripfeed as it was not one single conversation but two time separated conversations.

After the first conversation the friend got a mortgage, perhaps with a partner who asked her not to divulge any of their private financial matters with friends.

Therefore you are making a mountain out of a molehill.

why haven’t you called her out on it?

She just showed to you who she is - frenemy. Do not disclose anything to her anymore.

she’s low in self awareness! She got the info she wanted (presumably she was lining up to get her mortgage at the time). But she used you to benchmark something.

That is not a real friend.
That anxiety in your gut is you being warned that she is not your friend.

I wouldn't want to be around her.
Sorry.

I suspect she is embarrassed because she’s not doing as well as you and doesn’t want to admit that.

Or she’s doing better and doesn’t want to embarass the op

Rude

I really would bring it up with her OP. I get the sense you are a self- critical type but the reason this is eating away at you and affecting you is because you let her get away with shocking rudeness. If you dont like conflict just send her a gentle message saying it felt a bit jarring that she asked you personal questions she wasn't prepared to answer herself and let her apologise for the awkwardness. Thats the only way you'll feel better about this

She's perfectly entitled to keep her finances private, although I think it's a bit odd to combine that with asking someone personal questions about their money. Still, she's discovered that you're willing to answer her questions and so she's continued. You've discovered that you don't like the imbalance so you'll keep your stuff private in future - that seems the right approach.

She sounds cheeky as fuck tbh.

What a right nosey parker. Lesson learned, I suppose.