Lost Attraction and Relationship

[Greenandpleasant1]

I've name changed, long time mn user.

I don't fancy my partner any more. Together 8 years, similar ages(early 60s), share pets. The house is mine: we split bills. We love one another and get on generally. I'm semi retired,she has no pension so has to work.

I had major surgery a few years ago and lost all interest in sex. We agreed to be non sexual. She still wants sex but I don't. I tried so many things to get a libido back but gave up. And actually realised I don't want to have sex anymore (some sexual abuse as a child and occasionally as an adult). I'm happy with my decision but obviously realise it's unfair on partner. I've said I understand if she wishes to end the relationship. She doesn't.

She's become increasingly unhappy about the lack of affection; there's some between us but I'm less demonstrative. We have agreed to talk about it soon.

We have a nice life and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to lose the relationship but I'm not being completely honest about my lack of attraction. I fear I'll blow everything up and leave her in a difficult position (she has no property). And lose what has been a healthy relationship in most ways. I have no close family alive, I think that affects me too. I feel sick writing this.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you manage it?

I've no experience of this. How do you feel about opening the relationship so she can if she wishes to explore an external relationship purely for sex? I'm also guessing if she finds a relationship and decides to leave and move on you'd be okay with that scenario?

I accept that she will likely move on at some point. Not sure id be emotionally able to have an open relationship.

TBH it's not your call. You need to sit down with your wife and tell her that sex is not something you want to indulge in anymore. It is then up to her how she deals with that information. It's her life and her body.

Tell her you are happy to continue the relationship but reiterate your lack of desire to have a sexual relationship and tell her you can't see this changing in future, so that she understands the choice she is making. I think it would be unnecessarily cruel to say that you don't fancy her any more, but perhaps you could phrase it as "I don't think of you in that way any more". Then it's up to her to decide.

I have said very clearly more than once that I have no desire anymore.

Absolutely it's her decision, but yes I don't want to be hurtful so will be careful with wording when we next talk about it.