what the next steps should be - depressed wife.

[Lemonlimeandwhat]

I’ve been married for 13 years and we have two children.

Her behaviour has become increasingly difficult to cope with over the years, with escalating arguments.

Almost anything can trigger an argument, she’s upset about work, her weight, I disagree with a her over something, the kids did something.

When this happens she become very aggressive and start shouting, and this will escalate to crying, spend a day or more in bed without speaking to anyone, refusing to eat, giving everyone the silent treatment for several days - she will completely blank me and refuse to respond when I speak to her.
This happens around two or three times a month, and I can’t remember the last time we went two months without an argument or one of these episodes.

if I don’t react and saying nothing and try to calm her down, she’ll be fine the next day. However, if I respond or try to discuss what has happened, she can become hysterical, she may threaten to walk out or say that she wishes she were dead. I’ve got into the habit of saying nothing and waiting for it to pass.
In the past, she would sometimes leave the house and go to a friend’s to decompress, but those friendships have become strained.
More recently, some of this behaviour has started to be directed towards our children. Occasionally, if they upset her, she’ll cry or give them the silent treatment as well. I’ll take them out or to my parents house.

When my wife is calm, she will acknowledge that she feels unhappy and depressed. However, she refuses to speak to a doctor or therapist. She also finds it extremely difficult to accept any responsibility for her behaviour. She won’t acknowledge that she has overreacted or accept that she may have been in the wrong.

I’ve reached the point where I don’t feel able to cope with this much longer, but I genuinely don’t know what I should do.

I don’t want a divorce, particularly because I’m worried about what would happen with the children if we separated. I’m concerned about the long-term emotional impact on them if they were spending significant amounts of time alone with her and this behaviour continued.
What can or should I do?

Your wife is not okay. She needs medical help before it turns worse. What are her blockers to therapy? Is it time, financial or she thinks it’s not for her?

I am so sorry, OP. This is horrendous for all of you.

One thing I have noticed is that depressed people don't get better if they are pandered to. Or if the family close rank and leave them to their own devices, while getting one with leading a normal life around them. I suffered depression for years. People acting like the outbursts, the crying jags, the hours in bed haven't really happened only serve to exacerbate the feeling that you don't really exist, that your presence on earth is unnecessary. What I needed was to be told: this is not right. It is affecting all of us: you, me, the children. It has to stop. This is a treatable illness. There is no shame in getting appropriate medication and therapy for it. But there is a lot of shame in pretending it doesn't exist when it is harming us all.

In your position, I'd try to have a very calm, factual conversation with her. Say you can't continue like this. It is horrible for all of you. It has been a mistake to try and put up with it or hope it will blow over, and you have realised this in particular since her behaviour escalated to affecting the children.

Say you think she has severe clinical depression and this is an illness which needs treatment. That, as with any other illness, you want to support her getting better but that can only happen if she agrees to getting treatment. It won't get better without intervention from a medical professional, and you feel out of your depth and know you alone can't provide the support she needs.

If your wife is unwilling to speak to the Dr, I’m not sure what you can do, other than issue an ultimatum-eg seek help or we separate. As your wife is now directing her behaviour towards the dc, you might be best to get custody, no dc should be given the silent treatment, or have to tiptoe around their main carer in order to not ‘set them off’!

It might be worth mentioning to her that there are lots of easily treatable causes for anxiety and depression -low iron, low Vit D, thyroid issues, low b12/folate can all affect this. It’s worth noting that ferritin can be marked ‘normal’ as low as 30, but for mental health it’s beneficial to be above 70. How old is she? Peri menopause can cause hideous anxiety and depression.

If she refuses to see a Dr though your options are to soldier on, or leave.

edited to say -I know causes of depression can be complex, (lifelong sufferer but currently better than I’ve been for years) but it might encourage her to go to the GP, and at least start the discussion, if she is aware there could be easily treatable causes.

I think you need to tell her that she needs to get some help - the first step would be to see her GP. I think if she refuses to address her behaviour, you need to tell her that you cannot continue as things are and that you will have to separate and you will be seeking primary care of the children. Maybe this is the wake up call that she needs.

Your wife is seriously mentally unwell.

Have you thought about writing her a letter to give to her when she is in a calm state of mind? It will enable you to tell her your thoughts clearly without it descending into an emotional mess.

Don’t underestimate the effect this will have on the children - and she needs to know that too. She needs urgent help.

I grew up with a dad like this and have never forgiven my mum for not leaving him. I barely have a relationship with my parents now. I’ve since suffered with severe depression myself but the difference between me and my dad is I proactively got help and never thought mental health was an excuse to treat people badly. Don’t subject your kids to this - either she gets help or you leave.