Autistic DH and the need to be asked/told/reminded driving me insane.

[PersuasionN]

Firstly DH is an absolute peach and would do anything I asked. But therein lies the issue.
I have to ask constantly. He never takes the initiative. He never remembers anything. If he agrees to do something and I just leave it to him, it won't get done.

I could wake up tomorrow and ask him to paint the bathroom and he would. Or drive me 30 miles to pick some thing up, he would.

But if he walked in the kitchen and it was on fire he wouldn't think to put it out unless I suggested it (joking obviously but not far off the mark)

Lately I have just stopped doing it and its just highlighted how often shit is put on me to Captain the ship, mentally at least.

Like I said, he will do the lions share but with such particular instruction needed.

I think its partly his autism, partly the fact he is a man, and just part lazyness.

A film came out today and I have asked for MONTHS abiut us going on a date. Him taking me somewhere, out of the blue. Never happened. So weeks ago I said this film comes out on 9/11, can we go, will he book it, without a reminder? ... 'Of course, of course'

I thought 'I'm not mentioning it'

He's completely forgotten.

Thing is, if I would have said this morning 'book those tickets, we will go for something to eat at 5, film at 7' he would have immediately so its not like he is moody and doesn't want to do the things. He just requires me to do the mental lifting.

But that takes all the fun out of it. Its just something else I have to do rather than him taking me out.

I don't know if it even makes sense.

But Im sat in bed, watching Persuasion eating chilli crisps and sulking.

And now I feel like I don't even want to see the film with him. But I don't have girly friends to go with :(

I’m AuDHD and think he may be too.
If I’m busy, anything new mentioned to me evaporates and I have no memory
If I don’t do a task immediately, it often doesn’t get done.
I am often derailed while starting a task or mid task so it doesn’t get done
Reminders and alarms (with notes as ti what they are for) sometimes work but not always.

I would see if he can get assessed for ADHD too. Medication will be life changing if it works for him.

This sucks. Does he show you he loves you and thinks of you in his own way? If so, could you hold you to that to help you feel less hurt by it. If not, you have a bigger problem. Try telling him plainly what you need and that he needs to do this x times a month. Maybe his brain can 'get' that.

I'm AuADHD too! 40mg Elvanse.

Its bloody hard and I have reminders going off on my phone constantly.

But I am 41 and know how my ND affects me so I have adapted and set reminders the moment I know I want to do/remember something. I write notes. Have alarms and calendars. Notes on fridge.

Because I don't want to let people down.

It sounds like you just have to accept this is how he is. He's not doing it deliberately, he's willing, he just forgets. Maybe you could look up some strategies such as a joint diary where you can put 'tasks' in and he agrees that when it pings on his phone, he does it straight away. So you could put, book tickets and when the time is due, his phone alerts him and he books them straight away.?

Have you tried to suggest he get assessed for adhd? He could then use the same techniques you do, like alarms?

This is one of the reasons we got an Alexa, and set it up with DH’s email/calendar. Everything we discuss goes in the shared calendar, tasks/reminders to put the bins out, shopping lists, etc.
now Alexa gets to remind him about everything, and when he asks me about something I know we’ve discussed, I tell him to ask Alexa!
she’s been great!

I wish I could help you but I accepted years and years ago that my DH is never going to plan anything! Not a holiday, outing for the children, date night or birthday. It would just be setting myself up for disappointment to expect it. So I don’t. If I present him with the framework of a plan he’ll give his input, if I tell him to book hotels on certain locations for certain nights he will.

In your movie tickets example you’re already doing the work of saying you want to see a specific film on a specific date, so why make it into a test by waiting to see if he’ll actually do it and then being sad? Just send him a text.

I realize all the posters whose DHs are constantly surprising them with romantic date night plans will be in here in moments to shout LTB and “the bar is on the floor”, but just a different POV.

I feel similar about my DH. We never go out or do anything unless I organise it, I cant remember the last time he actually bought me a present (for christmas or birthday) and weve been together nearly 25 years! Even if I send the link he outsources it to my teens. The very few gifts hes bought himself are "panic presents". Hes gone shopping, obviously got overwhelmed by busy, noisy shops, panicked and bought the first random toiletries he saw!

Yep. Same here. If I want something done I have to stick it under his nose. Unfortunately it's something you have to accept. As you say, OP, he is otherwise "a peach", as is mine, which is a lot to be grateful for.

Ha ha yes. I got a toothbrush steriliser for Christmas once!

My DH has ADHD and he is just like this. It drives me crazy but I've just come to accept it now as it's just the way he is. His compromise is that he graciously accepts my to do lists and reminders and works his way through them. It's the only way we can get through busy weeks or I'd end up with both the mental load and actually having to do everything.

I've booked flights and a hotel for my birthday on his behalf. He suggested the trip but it would still only be a suggestion by the time my birthday comes around if I left it with him.

DH has lots of good ideas and sometimes promises them...but its difficult (for him) to identify and action the steps needed to make an idea into something that actually happens.

(Its probably unreasonable of me but when he has an idea of a holiday/meal/event that I think sounds awful, I make all the right noises, but am secretly relieved that if hes "planning/organising" it, then it will probably never happen!)

I totally get this op. I'm not sure it's an asd thing as I'm also autistic and am not like this. I suspect mine has adhd too and it's partly that but who knows. It's exhausting and makes me feel unappreciated and unloved and I'm sick of being captain!

Is that not just men?

I think the difference is women seek solutions to problems as it's socially not acceptable for them to 'drop the ball' so to speak, so from a young age we find ways to manage ie reminders, lists, doing things straight away, top of the list etc.

Men can forget and it's fine, little consequence socially, as the women have it sorted.

I am a firm believer that men that need to, work to develop mechanisms to remember things, to book that date night etc. your not their mother, and managing someone who should be an active member of the household starts to feel like you are....then comes the resentment ...then the lack of attraction because whose attracted to someone they have to micromanage like a child?!

Differing levels, I totally get this, and it does depend on how active they are in the household otherwise, but I guess what I'm saying is I don't think we as women should just accept it. I do think we should all take personal responsibility to have mechanisms that allow us to do the things. I know plenty of women with ADHD who have ways to get through life, maybe men could learn a thing or two!

How do they manage at work?

I don’t want to sound like I think you should set the bar low because generally speaking I am not a fan of men. However, I think your husband sounds really great (apart from this) and you can probably just get past this.

Or, maybe him save things as reminders in his phone and watch him do it.

I’ve got so many people in my life with shitty male partners (a long list for me) and I just think that even though it is annoying it’s really worth overlooking. I hope you can.

How does he manage to keep a job?

It sounds like you were more interested in going to see the film than he was. If I wanted something specific like that, I would just book it myself. Some people are just crap at organising. Sounds like a bit of a worker / boss relationship - he’s happy to do the work but he likes you to give the commands.

Wow, yes it is super tough. I can see why it would be extra frustrating for you to have to carry the whole mental load.

I didn’t have insight until after I was diagnosed and went to this six week course plus got medication. They both changed my life!

I remember how hard it was beforehand.

Would your DH consider getting assessed and if diagnosed, medication as well? I agree the current situation isn’t sustainable.

Definitely feel like this is just men.

I don't think you can just say it's a man thing. Plenty of men are proactive and don't need to be told what to do. But if OP's DH is one of those people that struggle to organise things, it makes sense to utilise all the technology available to help them both out.

How the fuck do these men manage to be successful at work (which I'm assuming they are) where they have tasks and deadlines etc. But the second they walk through the door at home they become simpletons.
Doesn't quite add up to me...