Loss of attraction to long-term husband, has anyone experienced this?

[amorninglark]

I feel like a need to write this down because I haven’t spoken to anyone about it and I feel like I need to.
I have been with my DH since I was 17, we were childhood sweethearts, we are now mid 40’s. For the past few years I have felt a real lack of desire for him, I don’t think I fancy him anymore, he is in many ways a great man, we have a few things in common. He has gone from overweight to skinny and doesn’t generally look after himself, he has lost lots of his hair and in my opinion looks older than he is, he used to be a heavy drinker which caused issues, hence why he was overweight, he has developed better drinking habits now, but I just don’t feel any attraction towards him and have no idea what to do. Has anyone else experienced similar and does attraction come back again? I feel awful for feeling this way.

Yes but not regularly.

Mostly him if I’m honest, but I am in the early stages of menopause, although the symptoms are subtle.
Yes but only 1 partner.

He instigates quite a lot, but doesn’t mean we have sex.

I don’t think this is abnormal after such a long time together. It’s really important that you are both able to do things to keep the attraction alive. This is more than physical.
Him taking care of himself is first priority, he doesn’t have to become a gym bro, but at least doing the basics. Making sure he’s clean and healthy.
You need to see each other as lovers as well as parents and family. Do you go on dates? Build in romance and non sexual intimacy day to day?
People can’t just remain attracted to someone who thinks sitting on the sofa in their scruffy clothes and never making any effort to be spontaneous or date and dress up for it etc is enough … maintaining attraction in a long term relationship takes effort.
Also is he pulling his weight around the home? Nothing kills attraction faster than a man who acts like an extra child.

You don’t have to answer these questions. They are fur thinking about. You need a conversation with your dh. Start planning to make an effort to re kindle that spark. Both of you, this can’t be one sided.

I felt like this when I started menopause it’s almost like a light switches on and you look around you and reflect on everything, for me personally I feel how a man treats you makes him more attractive, a friend just celebrated her anniversary and referred to it as ‘24 years of married bliss’ I could never look back on my relationship and say that and that’s how I know after nearly 20 years this is not my person

He often doesn’t want to do anything, I’ve suggested dates in the past. I look after myself, but he’s the complete opposite and there is just no attraction anymore.

If neither of you want to do things together then that is not a good sign.

You could sit him down and tell him you're not feeling good about things and see what he says. It's hard to know whether the attraction thing is fixable as you just don't seem connected at all.

If you have got out of the habit of making an effort with each other and doing nice things it might be worth planning something and seeing if you actually enjoy it? If he's not willing to try then you have to decide if you're happy to stick around.

You are still quite young

I think it’s fine not to physically lust after a long term partner as long as they’re the only person you would want to be with. I think there is a difference between not fancying someone rotten and your partner giving you the ick though and you seem to be in the latter category which is a problem.

He's lost weight and cut down on the drink so it sounds like he's looking after himself.
Losing weight makes most people look older.
Not much he can do about the hair.

Well you can’t force him to suddenly give a crap. All you can do is tell him how you feel then decide if this is how you want the rest of your life to be.
Have you told him exactly how you feel? Does he know that his lack of effort is going to end your marriage?
Some people (mainly men in my experience) think that because they are married they can become lazy slobs and their partner will stay with them regardless. They seem shocked or annoyed that their partner doesn’t want sex when they haven’t showered in a week or organised a date in a year. You have to make it clear this is not the case. He either makes more effort or your marriage is over, it’s that simple, what’s the alternative? You spend the rest of your days miserable and neglected? Your too young for that

Sorry quoted wrong reply