Trying to understand PDA: why not insist when something has to happen?

[Pumpkindreams]

I am not sure how to word this without causing offence, judgment. If this does offend or cause upset know that was not my intention. My 80s upbringing likely has influenced my thought pattern.

I keep seeing videos around SEN and PDA, I understand that demands causes anxiety etc however I suppose my question what happens is as an adult you override this. For example you need to leave the house for appointment/ preplanned thing and child with PDA refuses. Why not just pick them up and put them in car/push chair etc. I know I know I sound harsh and child likely would cry and be upset BUT (please correct me happy to learn) they would calm down and realise the avoidance was necessary or justified. I suppose the videos I have seen it seems some parents enable the behaviour.

I fully expect to receive criticism as I know for many this is a sensitive subject but it’s by asking questions others can learn I have no child in my life with these difficulties so I don't understand but I would like to.

(title is suggested one)

Why not just pick them up

I don't have a kid but this doesn't seem like something that would be easy to do, at all.

They wouldn’t calm down

picking up a child is quite hard even when they are relatively small at the usual tantrum age (2-4) and it’s dsmn near impossible once over 6.

a child who really doesn’t want to do something can hurt an adult really quite badly

You have to learn to parent a child with PDA differently so things can improve. How are you getting that 13 year old up and out if you just rely on force?

eta the parenting does look weak and boy do people judge but with a kid with PDA getting into a battle of wills won’t work. It’s hard

As you say "put them in the push chair" I think you're envisioning quite a young child of 2 or 3. What do you suggest as they get bigger and stronger? My friend's son has a PDA diagnosis - he's 20 now.

Please just go and read up on it for 5 minutes. Why are you arrogant enough to think you know better? " theyll just calm down". Duh they wont, thats the point

My nearly 9 year old can’t just be ‘picked up and put in a pushchair’. I’m not convinced at all that this is a genuine post or not so I shan’t be responding what low demand looks like for my family but the days of putting him in a pushchair are long gone.

Edit: nearly 9 year old with PDA.

Yeah I'll pick up my almost 6ft 15 year old 😂 sure.

My DD at 10 is small for her age & quite skinny but there’s no way I’d be able to manhandle her now (not that I have to). I imagine for larger younger children this can’t be done! At what age up to do you expect parents to be able to do this? Depends on their size and strength too. Even young children are capable of hurting an adult if they become uncontrollable.

PDA is rooted in fear and anxiety. The child with pda may “want” to do what you’re asking but is too terrified. If you force them, the resulting meltdown is beyond a normal tantrum. Furthermore you’re teaching them to repress what they feel and that causes long term damage. Forcing a pda child to do what you want doesn’t teach them to conform, it breaks them.

I don’t have a child with (diagnosed) PDA but I do have children with autism and have seen my son push himself beyond his abilities to the point of being suicidal.

I know someone with a child with PDA who did just that, picked them up and put them in the car. The child then kicked out and used their booster seat to both attack their parent and almost managed to smash the window, tore the centre mirror from the car , tore the headlining from the roof and generally wrecked the interior of the car.

How does he navigate life as an adult with PDA ? I suppose my question also come from this as we simply can not go through life with zero demands.

There are parenting strategies for children who have PDA. Simply picking them up is not possible... Also, rather impractical when a child is beyond toddler age. If tried, I would end up being hurt pretty badly and my back will also not allow me to. Believe you me, I am sure we all wish it was as simple as getting through a toddler-type outburst. But it isn't. At all. Hence the PDA diagnosis. I understand questions regarding this as there is still sadly a rather lot of nasty judgement surrounding this. These days, I do not care what anyone may decide to think upon seeing my son upset. I know the reality of the situation and do not have the time, or the energy, to worry about what strangers might think. I have to also ensure I word things in a certain manner for my child which means the brain always has to be thinking properly - hard when very tired, for example. As if it is worded wrongly, then that is it... It is a nonstop issue with so many, many difference aspects it impacts.

Teach them when they're 2??

Cos yeah, a 13 year old lad cannot be lifted.

But a 2 year old can

I am not convinced this post is anything other than goady, but will answer in the spirit of it being genuine. Giving a child with pda more genuine choices and few demands helps them to be calmer and more able to cope with life. After 2 years of low demand parenting, the difference in my child is astonishing. The goal is that they learn to regulate, so that when they are fully grown they cope much better.

Low demand does not mean letting them do anything they want and still has boundaries. Eg my child can eat when they want, wear what they want etc. They cannot eat only junk and sugar, or leave the house without clothing of some kind. It's about dropping the demands that don't matter so much to achieve the things that do.

Thank you for the honest and vulnerable response, I am pleased that some have understood that this is purely from of lack of experience and understanding.

Zero demands means zero consequences... And ultimately zero reward.

These are the teens stuck in their bedrooms all their lives with anxiety, no education because apparently school is too much. So they never live their lives.

Yes you can pick them up and overrule their feelings when they are 2 / 3 / 4... it gets harder after that 🙄

Are you serious??

What I'm interested in is, why you are ruminating over the parenting techniques for a child with a particular difficulty that you clearly have no experience of?

It seems as removed as me wondering about how parents should best manage to help a child with a different disability. Maybe I should sit about and contemplate how parents should better tube feed one child or better navigate the world for a child in a wheelchair?

What would I be achieving by assuming that I could grasp the biggest challenges around them and then assuming that they were failing to do things properly?

The other thing I wonder about is why people use children with sen and their parents as a lens to consolidate their ideas of what good parenting should look like for all children generally when the needs of both cohorts vary wildly?

Sounds like you are rather uneducated about this condition. Quite sad, really.

Mine is 17 ive dealt with this for some people are clueless incapable of a five minute google and it shows

Thank you, honestly this is not a post to goad etc just to try and understand more.

The video I saw was a child just refusing and parent saying this is PDA, the child then continued to do what they were before they parent spoke.

I just wanted to understand how this was managed in other ways. Your post has helped thank you, it makes sense choices but choices that are somewhat restricted.

I have a 20 year old with pda (internalised type - so super avoidant and shut down). He complied with demands and masked throughout childhood. The burnout he has suffered for the last 2 years is astonishing - to the point he can barely function at times. I wouldn’t have believed it unless I would have experienced it.

I have an 18 year old ds with externalised pda (old school ODD - defiant - sometimes aggressive - again wouldn’t have believed it until I’d experienced it). We still use a lot of declarative language and give him as much autonomy as possible. It works but believe you me there have been many many times I wish I could have told him to just stfu and do as he is told. It ruined our relationship when I took this tack. Thanks to NVR and parenting for his neurotype we now have an amazing relationship and he is thriving (whilst still having debilitating PDA at times). He’s very much liked and is off to uni but has many many struggles still related to his PDA profile.

Que? I hope you aren't a teacher 😅