Feel like I’m getting nothing back

[AmbersCat]

Im really trying with my ex to keep the door open but just feel like I’m getting nothing back, so he recently got back in contact after not seeing the children for a few years, he basically messaged saying he was sorry for it, should have tried harder and that he would like to see them if they wanted. I responded as I felt like it must have taken a lot for him to message, the problem is since then it’s kind of been nothing, for example he has asked once how they are all summer holidays? Once. I don’t know if too much time has passed now? Im not expecting daily contact or anything but once in the summer holidays doesnt seem like someone who is making much effort? What are your thoughts?

He’s a piece of shit!
he’s walked out on his kids
he won’t change or be involved

Sounds like he doesn’t deserve to see them. How old are they? If you let him see them I’d assume it would be a one off and he will keep letting them down. You have to think about how that will affect them. How are they emotionally about the situation at the moment?

No it does not seem like someone who is making an effort.
That’s because he is not making any effort.
I would not bother.
You have tried.
It is up to him.

They know he has been in contact but thats it. I haven’t spoken to them about how much contact but they know he has messaged me. (Young teens/ preteens)

Drop the rope.

Tell him to let you know when he'd like to pick up the children, with some notice so you can arrange their availability or let him know if that date doesn't suit.

Then forget about it until he gives you a concrete date. Obviously make the kids available if he does come up with a date which isn't wildly inconvenient. But that's it - the responsibility to see them is on him, not you.

Then if your kids ask again, you can just say that you've asked him to let you know dates and you'll let them know when he does. No drama.

How old are the kids now?

Tell him to give me a date when he hasn’t seen them for years? Tbh I expect him to prove he is going to be consistent first probably with messages to start with and that hasnt happened.

He's their father. I'd have thought that them having an opportunity to spend time with him and even an outside chance at a relationship is worth the risk of them being hurt by being let down again? They're teens/preteens so able to understand better than little children would.

You want him to prove himself to you, to send you messages.

Are you sure that's for your children's sake, rather than for you?

No it’s not for me, but after 3 years of absence you dont get to just walk back in. Sorry that you can’t understand that! Especially without proving that you are going to be consistent. So thanks for your advice but I won’t be taking it.

And yes he needs to prove himself before he comes back in their lives again.

Have you asked your kids what they think?

They're old enough that they should get a say on how keen they are to see him.

They might not thank you for unilaterally setting hoops for him to jump through, if it means they miss this chance to know him whilst they are still teens.

Yes they are unsure of how they feel. He hasn’t seen them in 3 years he is a stranger and even a court would say contact needed to be built up slowly, a court wouldn’t just demand they are handed over to him and would expect him to start with phone contact, probably even a contact centre after such a long absence, there should be hoops to jump through if you don’t bother to see your kids in 3 years you don’t just get to walk back in like nothing happened. And as you said they are teens so if they wanted to they could contact him themselves and they haven’t, if you don’t see your kids for 3 years I’m sorry but there should be hoops to jump through to see them again. 3 years is a very long time, we are not talking 6 months.

Judging by his lack of effort since he sent the message, it doesn't look like he's going to be walking back into their lives any time soon, does it? He said he should have tried harder. Well actions speak louder than words, and he's not exactly trying, so don't give him any head space. I'd just forget all about it for now and see what happens (if anything).

Thanks I plan to just leave it for now considering we haven’t heard anything in 3 weeks

Dont reach out again. If you daid you were open and he has offered nothing, hes just going to let them down again. He probably got a new girlfriend or something and had a brief moment of thinking he should see them, then lost interest again.

Thanks, thats exactly my suspicions which is why I won’t be rushing into anything, I certainly won’t be reaching out to him again.