Would you step back from BIL and SIL who never seem to reciprocate?

[IDontLikeMondays88]

They semi regularly send pictures of their kids to a family group chat. We would always comment “great pic” or “looking
good” something similar. Same with their kids achieving something eg winning a completion we will make a nice comment.

however if we send pictures of our children we often just get….no response at all. Not even a thumbs up 😧

similarly they ask us to sponsor their children once or twice a year (school fundraising etc) but won’t sponsor or donate back even when directly asked.

so what would you do here. Their kids are my children’s only direct cousins so ideally I don’t want to lose touch with them but this sticks in the throat.

Would you take a step back? I am just thinking of not sending any pics at all and also possibly removing them from my social media as I feel it makes it easy for them to see what we are up to without having to make an effort to keep in touch.

it seems like they want us to comment and gush over their kids but don’t want to reciprocate.

they live abroad and then when they visit we are expected to drop everything to accommodate them. Which we usually do. Because they do live abroad it seems important to send photos / updates but if you then get no comment on them or acknowledgement it feels a bit pointless.

I stop engaging with people that don’t engage with me. Don’t share pictures or comment on theirs. Don’t ask for or give to sponsorship requests. You can keep it pleasant but don’t give anything of yourself.

Couldn’t care less about the pictures, but they’re cheeky if they’re fleecing you for cash and I would cease sponsoring their kids.

I would assume that they are modelling for you what they want from you and act accordingly.

Reflect their own behaviour back to them but just quietly without making a big drama out of it.

My mantra since covid has been ‘match their energy’. It’s been pretty revealing and cathartic!
Just match what they do.

I sent pics of my children to the family group chat because if I don’t my mum complains. I don’t send them to get a comment from my sisters. If my sister stopped sending pictures of her son as a weird tit for tat because I don’t react to them, I wouldn’t notice or care.

Another one for matching people's energy! I wouldn't be petty and ignore, id do a thumbs up or a heart. I certainly wouldn't be dropping everything for a visit if they didn't even respond to basic messages.

Regarding the photos, just return the same energy (or lack of it).

Anything else, leave it to your husband as they're his family.

With the sponsorship thing, I’d say “great, of course. My little Johnny also needs sponsoring so I’ll give a fiver on your behalf and you can give a fiver to little Jane for me, to save us swapping cash”.

But yeah, match their energy. It sounds like they won’t care.

Thank you all.

I don’t think it’s a weird fit for tat as someone has said to stop sending pics. I would have to assume they don’t want to see pics as they don’t acknowledge pics sent.

Also it is different to sending pics to a sibling who you see all the time or even a bit. We see them once a year max which means the pics we are sending are in lieu of actually spending time with them as they are non UK

They're putting absolutely nothing into the relationship and instead are asking you for cash. Hate to say it but the chance of that money going to charity is almost nil!

Do they stay with you when they come over?

Absolutely brilliant. I wouldn't have thought of that.

Just by way of another example. For a long time my husband would attempt to FaceTime his brother every Sunday especially when the children were smaller. Often we would get no reply and then no call back. We stopped. We maybe now speak to them once a month and it’s often at their instigation as if we call them they often dont pick up (presumably as busy or whatever which is fine).

niece has on a few occasioned challenged us about this - asking us why we haven’t called or when was the last time you called us.

but literally we are lead by them re when and how often we speak on FaceTime as we had years or trying to call more frequently which they clearly didn’t want.

No they don’t stay with us they stay with in-laws who have a much bigger house than us.

the last time they treated in-laws like a b and b tbh didn’t really hang out that much with them but got free bed and board.

I’d still post pics keep updated. I would only comment on theirs if I want to and I’d decline sponsorships though

PS because they live in a v affluent country we are expecting to sponsor like £50 each child not £5 🙈

but when we ask for £10 sponsorship…nothing…just ignores the request

This.

We had a similar dynamic with one sibling and just started matching their energy but also politely pointing it out.

So for example - they send photos, say nothing, since clearly they don’t value commenting on photos. If they ever ask why didn’t you comment just say “oh we noticed you never commented on our photos, so we assumed you’re one of those people who don’t like comments on photos. But if you’ve changed your mind and would like us all to start commenting on each others photos then we’re fine with that?”. Then they have to actually say yes that’s what they want and so if they don’t do it you can query why they’re not.

Same approach for present requests. “Oh did you want us to send presents for your kids? We thought that as you never send presents to our kids you’d decided to cut back on present giving. If you would like to exchange gifts in future we’re fine with that, but obviously we haven’t got anything for X this time round”.

I am now having a mega rant sorry but another bugbear has been gift giving at birthday and Xmas.

they are really hit and miss about this and sometimes send something sometimes don’t. For example my husband had a milestone birthday recently and they didn’t send anything, not even a card.

then one year we just said please no adult gifts at Xmas time please just focus on getting the kids something. So bizarrely that year they decided to get us a voucher for a restaurant but we hadn’t got them anything. Just feels quite contrary sometimes and that because we said no gifts they had to do the opposite of that.

So just ignore their request

send photos to the people you want to interact with separately

match their energy and circumvent them.

I treat others how they treat me

Match their energy.
I know how annoying it is though. Esp if you've been told in the past that family is everything. But they sound very self involved.

But I did notice you said your niece wanted to know why you didn't call so often.. Maybe call her instead, since it sounds like she wants to stay in touch.

I’d assume they don’t care if you comment on anything. It doesn’t really matter does it? I don’t look at the family group chat except for like once a month if I want to say something. Dh has to poke me when there is a death or a new baby because otherwise I’d never acknowledge anything. 😂 I definitely don’t acknowledge people’s photos regularly. I assume they have stuff going on in life and look occasionally. Just be more like them. You don’t need to be passive aggressively deleting people from social media. Just have more stuff going on that isn’t just a group chat and then surely you won’t care?

Maybe they just package interest/attention differently. You seem to have a very specific expectations about interactions.

I don't understand your need for acknowledgment - messages like "great pics" are more of a noise to me than something of value. Just post something from time to time as they do, but don't comment if you consider doing it an effort which needs to be reciprocated.

Don't donate if you genuinely don't wish to, take it as an update about their life, not something you have to do.

Phone calls - maybe Sunday wasn't the best time, either of the brothers could use their words to agree a mutually working time and frequency.

Not everything needs to be a performative effort. If you see each other once a year, a bit passive being aware of each other sounds realistic.

@mindutopia yeah i have loads going on thanks - a professional career and young children of my own. I can still find two minutes to acknowledge a picture of my niece and nephew