Ducks in a row advice

[Adviceneededtonightplease]

I don’t want to give too much away. So I created a new username. I’m sorry. But it looks as though H and I will be falling apart next week. I know this because I can’t see anyway forward after a huge falling out. There’s a strong chance he will leave me. Or if he doesn’t, how I will be able to live with things. Tell me, what should I do? He’s said before in conversations when discussing divorce that I would keep the house, but that’s later. For now, I’m sure he’ll make us leave or make it unbearable to stay. Help.

Are you joint owner of the house? Start discreetly gathering all the information you can including his income . Take yours and the children’s passports . Make an appointment to see a solicitor to discuss your options .

I am joint owner. Passports aren’t really an issue. Teenagers are older. It’s the first few days. I’m scared about him telling us to go and I wouldn’t know where to go. Haven’t told family and wouldn’t go there anyway. Too embarrassed. I can sort of have access to the financials. That’s not really the problem I’m worried about. How on earth do I explain it to the kids. He’d probably tell them to stay and make me leave.

Where would I start with talking to a solicitor?

If things are as bad as you say then your children are probably aware of what is happening. They won’t be surprised.

Just call local solicitors and ask for someone who specialises in family law cases

Im scared about talking to a solicitor. It feels so final. I’d want advice but then again, is it final, can you just get advice or by going there does it start the process? What if things change?

They give advice. Nothing will happen as a result of you just talking to them. You would need to formally instruct them to start a process.

Am I mad to think I’d go to a hotel? It all feels so final to leave. I’m hoping it will pass.

You don’t have to leave. It’s as much your house as it is his.

After the biggest fall out. And then arguments to follow? What questions might the solicitor ask or what should I tell them?

Just out of interest, why would you and the children leave? Providing that there is no domestic violence, then there isn’t anything that means you have to leave your jointly owned house. But get some advice and that is all that it is, you don’t need to take it.

I believe the arguments will result in him shooting Just Go. I don’t argue back. I try to keep things calm. It will be unbearable tension.

Why can’t he be the one to go @Adviceneededtonightplease and you stay put with the kids?

We’ll see. I can’t make him leave either. I will make an appointment to talk it though with solicitor. Financially- anything else? I have my money, he has his money. We don’t have joint accounts. I pay the mortgage, he pays the bills. Should I be preparing myself for that?

Yes you can go to a hotel. Or an air b&b. Or a friend.

see a solicitor when you have some information and an idea of how you want to live in the future. They can help you work out what’s viable and sort out the process.

If you think this could be final you need to gather all the information you can about all your assets as a couple - a rough idea will do, but house equity, pensions, salaries, savings, debts, any big value items.

Think about what is likely for where the children will live (their views will be taken into consideration) as that will affect your finances. Also about how your DH is likely to behave in the short term.

While info from Mumsnet can be a bit variable we’re not too far off on the basics - if you want to ask questions here go ahead.

Thank you for your advice last night.

Make a note of any assets that you hold jointly or that he has. So any bank accounts or other assets eg car, antiques etc. These are all to be split.
When I divorced my exH got all the contents of the house. At the time I didn't care but actually buying all that stuff again for my place was expensive and I should have accounted for that in the split.

Did he leave or you?

Well depends on what you mean. He initiated the divorce. But in a way I left as I left the marital.home

Perhaps you set the boundary of you will only discuss (rather than argue) in marriage counselling as you know that the discussion is ineffective and it’s affecting all of you terribly. And repeat calmly if he rages.

At the very least, you will only discuss issues when he is calm.

If it escalates you calmly state that you are pausing discussion until things have calmed down.

Remind him that you are both responsible for how each of you react to situations, not how the other person does. And then focus carefully on how you react to him only.

If he can’t do any of that you suggest ending things and point out that the above is how the two of you will interact moving forward.

Don’t let him blame you for how he can’t handle a discussion as he is responsible for his own behaviour, no one else.