How can I manage email anxiety and an overwhelming friend after trauma?

[CareBearClaire]

Sorry it’s a long one.

Don’t really know what I’m looking for here but any thoughts appreciated. Looking for suggestions on how to manage this (other than needing proper mental health help!). I know some of the detail is scant so might be difficult to understand but I don’t want to give anymore detail as potentially outing.

I went through a couple of very very traumatising experiences a few years ago which have left a lot of damage - think along the lines of near-death of a very close family death in tragic circumstances during Covid and very difficult legal-type wrangle with another situation that eventually culminated in death of another very close family member with repercussions that went on for years afterwards. It was extremely difficult and I know I am changed forever as a result.

One friend, whilst I know they were trying to help, questioned me / interrogated me at the time about both situations. It was very difficult to avoid answering (in part, at least). Some of it was to help her ultimately (during the covid part). I found all of this extremely difficult to manage and caused me a lot of distress and discomfort. I shut down and stopped seeing this person as much as possible to protect myself.

Both of the situations involved a lot of legal-type stuff - responding to difficult and upsetting emails, letter writing, challenging encounters with very senior people in high-end positions. I dealt with it all myself - no real help from anyone else and it was awful.

I’m now left with terrible procrastination over everything - I can’t deal with emails, phone calls, I can’t progress things that need progressed, I put everything off. I feel my stomach turn when I see emails or get phone calls requiring me to do something and they then sit there for weeks and months.

I also still have that friend around and again whilst I know she ultimately means well, she overwhelms me - texts me at the crack of dawn (even on Sundays!), always asking what’s going on about things and tbh, asking overly personal and intrusive questions a lot of the time. I wake up and see a red circle on my WhatsApp and I know it’s her. I decide that I won’t reply until I’m ready but it takes over my headspace until I do (and makes me mad). I’ve tried to address it with them but they try to make excuses or give their reasons for why they act that way and then carry on doing it. Again, I really don’t think they mean harm but it does affect me all the same.

It sounds like small things but they cause me a lot of distress. Any thoughts at all on how to move on here? I can’t block or archive the person as (for reasons I won’t give) I need to remain contactable. How can I put these things behind me and stop reacting in this way? Is therapy the only way?

Thank you if you got this far and appreciate any thoughts if there’s enough info there for anyone to make any sense of it at all ❤️

So you need to remain contactable by her, but do you need to be contactable immediately?

I have one relative that is archived so their notifications don’t pop up on WhatsApp, but I have an alarm on my phone to remind me to check their messages once a day. I generally sit down with a cut of tea, then read the messages from the last 24 hours and then reply briefly to the ones I want to reply to.

So I do hear about important news but don’t have to deal with every message (and all the resulting stress) constantly through the day. I think it’s also training her to message less as she gets such slow responses from me.

Is that possible?

It does sound as if you would be better off with professional help rather than well-meaning suggestions from random strangers on the internet.

So there are two issues

• procrastination over important tasks and demands
• an acquaintance who is overbearing, intrusive and thoughtless and gets in your head

With the procrastination issue - what are you worried might happen if you deal with them? When all the other legal stuff was going on did dealing with stuff just make things worse/not lead to resolution?

Thanks - that is a good idea, that would manage it and save me getting the dread first thing in the morning when I see messages.

Thanks - I think everything I went through was so traumatising and difficult and emotionally exhausting, I think that feeling always crops up when I see the email or get the phone call or text so it puts me off dealing with it as I just want to avoid it.

What you are experiencing sounds like a very understandable response to prolonged trauma and emotional pressure, rather than a failure to cope. Clearer boundaries with your friend may help, but support from a trauma-informed therapist or your GP could also provide practical strategies for managing the anxiety around messages, calls and responsibilities.

One small step would be to archive her in what’s app. Then you won’t see the red dot or notification until you go into what’s app and look at the archive chat. They won’t know they have been archived. I do it with a few of mine that overwhelm me.

Ah I see someone already
suggested this!