is this boundary unkind or sensible?

[wenstias]

My parents are separated and are going through a messy divorce, they have awful mental health, hate each other, aren't talking to each other and are not hiding their struggles and thoughts from my siblings and I.

It's been an exhausting two years. I am due to go away with my dad right before the next court date, I know if I set the boundary to not talk about it he will keep pushing through. I have only thus far changed the subject and asked to talk about other things, but of course we always end up talking about the divorce.

He had a therapist for about 5 sessions 2 years ago and said it was useless.

They're both very emotionally immature.

Is it wrong to set the boundary to not talk about it at all? I know he will feel like i'm not supporting him and am abandoning him.

Also my mum feels very wronged by him and keeps bringing it up. She's very fragile and vulnerable but I am so exhausted talking about it over and over again.

neither parent respects boundaries

Why the f are you going on holiday with him ???

limit your access to them go low contact

now you are in this mess set the boundary and tell him you will put him on plane home if he fails to keep to the rule

its a yearly family trip I don't want to miss out on time with nieces and we do all have fun together

Since neither of them respect your boundaries, you are just going to have to build bigger ones. If that means you have to tell them to STFU then do it.

You are piggy-in-the-middle here, and they are both being completely unreasonable in each expecting you to take their side against the other.

Oof. They are both trauma dumping onto you/parentification of you. I am sorry. I have done it myself to mine. It did not/does not end well. They are both hurting but you should not be their safe space/person to vent to/flying monkey.
All you can do is instil the boundary. One of mine very gently and carefully says "I am not talking to you if you go on about x" and I no longer do that. It sunk in finally.
The other one warned me not to and I only wish I had been adult enough at the time to hear what she was saying and act on it. Make it clear to both your parents that they are sabotaging your own relationship with them and that you not wanting to talk about it is not personal rejection but it hurts you when they overstep.
Hopefully, they will listen. I do know that grief/pain can be so raw that you overlook others needs and it becomes a very selfish dynamic (me me me main character energy) but if they do not learn it now they'll lose you. Xx 💐

Of course parents should not discuss their relationship or troubles with their children.

You shouldn’t have to set this boundary, but you are completely reasonable to do so.

Maybe just don’t go on holiday together?

I also know setting this boundary is an instant mood kill and every ounce of my body feels like keeping a good mood is the priority. While he kills my mood by bringing it up, I kill the mood for both of us by setting this boundary

my only way to stop it subtly is to turn the conversation around to talking about myself unapologetically

He doesn't care about killing your mood, as long as he gets to offload. That is remarkably selfish of him. Perhaps you could tell him to stop ruining everyone's mood by talking about himself, and think of other people's feelings for once.

Don't be a people pleaser. He's the one ruining the mood, not you, and you have every right to tell him to bloody well stop it.

Well, no, him talking about it is the buzz kill. He won't/cannot admit that to himself yet but he has to ignore the compulsion. You could say, right, Dad, I am giving you 5 minutes (timed!) to have a vent/wallow but after that we are moving topic, for both our sakes! 😂 I have done that before with my mum!
(Yes, I know, if I have had it done to me, why would I repeat the cycle myself? Because unless it ends with us, dynamics/people can be complex sometimes/doomed to repeat patterns). You sound like a lovely daughter.
Tell him if he talks about it, you will walk away or give him the 5 minutes only or spend most of the holiday with your cousins. Can he not dump onto his siblings instead? Can you ask them to mediate?

he has one sibling left and I believe he does dump on her because she seems to hate my mum now.

it's like they're both obsessed with talking about it all and are trying to convince me the other person is the worst and they're so hard done by

Before you go away you can explain that it’s your holiday too, you’re not the best-placed person to be a sounding board. Therefore it would be best to discuss these issues with other people and keep the holiday divorce-free.

But you are right to be concerned that he might struggle to stay quiet if he has poor impulse control and it’s close to his next court date.

I might explore moving the trip forward or back if that’s a possibility.

I am so sorry OP.
That was my mum to a tee.
In fairness to my dad, he has never said a bad word about her (he was at fault).
Trying to convince you to take sides is emotional abuse. I would say those words exactly to them, so they realise the harm they are doing.
I never did that with my mum and wish now I had xxx

Don't 'be kind' and listen to him. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not going to pick a side, and that he is being totally unreasonable by dragging you into it. Get angry. You are an adult and you absolutely can stand up to him whether he likes it or not, and make sure he knows that if he continues to do it, then you will no longer want to spend time in his company. And you will tell everyone why.

Forget the subtle crap, just say I'm not talking about that, he'll get the message when you've said it a few times.

Be direct

Is your aunt usually reasonable?
If she is going on the trip, I'd have a talk with her ahead of the holiday. Tell her you know her brother is hurting but he keeps putting you in the middle and you are exhausted and need some respite. Ask her to be actively involved in protecting you ( no, you shouldn't need protecting from your own dad but he clearly is stuck/thinks he has to win you/believes misery loves company). This is your time with your cousins.
If your aunt is stable/decent, she'll either kick him into touch or be the soundboard for him.
Hope you have a nice time with the rest of the family x

How do your siblings deal with him?

aunt is bias and no she's not going. Siblings are at equal wits end but have kids so he tends to let them a little off the hook and pile it on me. They are also better boundary setters.

My parents were like this, but they never separated. The moaning and bickering didn’t stop no matter what I said or did, until I completely lost my cool. I stood up and said at the top of my voice “I am never coming here again until the two of you can stop complaining about each other.” And I went home. And I didn’t answer the phone when they called for a couple of weeks. They were very quiet and careful when I eventually got in touch, and were never as bad again.

Rather that kill the mood by laying out boundaries and saying 'we will not be talking about this on holiday' maybe wait and see if he brings it up. Then you could say in a jolly voice 'oh lets not worry about that while we're on holiday, we're here to enjoy ourselves' and then if he tries to argue or continue just pretend you haven't heard and go off and start playing with the kids.

I really struggle with boundaries and they get trampled all over

I had this during my parents divorce. Told them both to cut it out, that they had friends to talk to about it, I wasn't getting involved.

Neither one of them listened, so I just started saying "Nope!" in a loud voice the moment either of them brought it up and walking out of the room.

Worked on my Mum, less so on my Dad, but it had the desired effect that I didn't actually have to hear the whinging because I'd left, even if it didn't stop him trying.