It’s a seperate/joint finances one….

[Tillymintxx]

First of, I’m fully prepared to be told I am being unreasonable, unfortunately I do not have any living family or friends to talk to and so I need some advice.

we are a family of 4, 2 small children under the age of 6.

My husband is the main earner and pays the majority of the bills. I ‘send’ him money when I can, as he doesn’t join finances with me. his choice not mine. I am not in debt or have bad credit. The opposite in fact, as when we met he defaulted but that has now been wiped away.

For perspective he makes money passively, and his take home is around 5-7k a month. I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to start a business over the last few years and I am out the house a lot more than him. He does not work in the conventional sense (think about investing etc) and doesn’t feel the need to work because his passive income is so high. That’s fine, and I respect that. However he could get a 9-5 and double his income as he’s very skilled. He chooses not to, and stays home all day.

Due to my business not working out, I am starting a job in the next few weeks. I will not receive a pay till end September or early October. I am brassic. I am not sure I will make my commercial rent on my business. I am in the midst of closing it down but I am tied into a lease. I am bending over backwards, and plan to work over full time hours in my new job and my business.

I was crying to him earlier, because I have very little in my bank. I have no access to joint money. He mentioned ‘if you are struggling I’ll see what I can do’. He has over 15k in savings. He could get a 9-5 if he wanted to but chooses not to because his passive income is so high. I feel I’m unreasonable to ask him for access to ‘family money’ because he covers so much. He goes on holidays and trips away with his friends, nights out etc and I don’t even get my hair done. I am told I am incredibly lucky because he cover the bills and mortgage and I just send him 250-1000 a month. I also do food shopping when I can. He is not struggling and I am drowning. I am doing my best and prepared to work the hours needed but i cannot help but feel this is unfair? If I bring it up to him he says I’m lucky and ungrateful. He is generous with me and the children. I am doing my best, but I just feel like he could offer to cover to loan me my commercial rent for this month, give me access to family money for food shopping etc and I can give him the the money back when I’m paid. I don’t want to have to beg him.

I know my failing business is my problem but I can’t do anywhere then I am. My new job is full time and I’m still taking bookings in my business. I am going to work 40-60 hours a week to get out of the hole. (Of which he will moan about having the children on his own, but that’s another story)

Unfortunately this is one of many reasons that our marriage is failing, but he turns it on me and tells me I am lucky as he helps around the house (he should, he’s always here!) and financially stable 😢

This set up wouldnt work for me.

You need financial transparency, a proportional budget and a PAYE job (you are doing the last one)

Who looks after the kids?

I would not leave my husband unable to buy clothes or a barber visit while I piss off on luxury hols and he minds the kids.

he minds them as his income is passive or he palms them off on his mum

Are in the the UK as advice may differ?

Yes in the UK

He's your husband, half of everything is yours, surely?

His argument is, that I benefit from that tenfold because he covers the bills. But he does this comfortably. I’m honestly unwell with how little money I have in my bank, he knows this. I don’t want to beg him.

I mean only you know if its maccie ds and miss rachel all day but he is pulling his weight by the sounds of it.

2 small kids is a ft gig...

Palms them off is dismissive. Its nice to spend time with GP and parents can have a life too.

One viewpoint from what youve written could be...
He's earning and looking after them and meanwhile you've been on a hiding to nothing with your passion project....

The reality is obvs nuanced he might be a sub par father who does zero house work or domestic chores there may be context about the unprofitable business

I mean he makes enough why dont both of you not work and you all just enjoy life with the kids....

So he pays the majority of the bills and does the majority of the childcare and you still think that this is ‘unfair’? Why?

You might be going through a rough patch with work, but thanks to him, you aren’t at risk of losing your home or going hungry!

If you have no money then I agree that he should cover all household costs, including food. Unless your mortgage is sky high, even on his £5-7k a month he should be able to cover everything.

The issue is your business. I don't think you can grumble about him not having a 9-5 job when at least he is bringing in money each month. It's great you wanted to try your hand at running your own business but with two young children I would question your choice over doing this, and why you didn't return to or get a 9-5 job like you feel your husband should have.

Why are so many people willing to create a family by having children but not prepared to live as a family unit? One family, shared financial decisions and goals. Doesn’t have to mean fully joint finances but transparency, working together and treating each other well.

i agree with pp you need to get rid of the business, and you do need to get a job to support your family and protect yourself if this relationship goes tits up because your DH is already treating you with distain and you’re still married.

All of the money is family money and you should have access, not see it as begging him. Equally he already brings in a good income so you could not just expect he should get more work on top of that if that’s not part of you joint financial plan. It doesn’t really even sound like you like each other, to be honest.

A difficult one this. I would hope he would help until you are out of these issues caused by your business until you can resolve it but it doesn’t sound like he wants to. I note you are covering food bills. I would say if he will not help, then your food choices are the cheapest of student type meals until you can afford more. And refuse any optional activity you can on the basis you cannot afford it. If he will not share income, then his lifestyle will need to reflect what you can afford until this is resolved.

He has never suggested that I stay at home and not work. I do a large majority of the childcare because a lot of my work is remote and also I’m not earning. It’s me that cares for them when he takes 3 abroad trips a year. He does also palm them off on GP. If I’m working he doesn’t like having them on his own so will send them out the house even though he’s here. I am by no means perfect, some months my business has done very well. I’ve pulled up my boot straps though and I’m taking on a well paid job, but there is a short fall until I am paid.

Shared household finances I am largely supportive of but business expenses and finances should be totally separated for your personal finances, I am a bit confused there.

In your shoes (I.e. without a total overhaul), are you sending him any money this month? Hopefully he is ok if you don't? And if you need any money for household expenditure (groceries e.g.), will he cover that? Until your new wage starts.

So I would separate your issues into 3 problems with 3 separate sets of solutions.

1. closing down your business
2. tiding you over until your first paycheck comes in
3. agreeing a fair way of covering household and other expenses between you in future

I have returned to work, it doesn’t happen overnight. My previous job was well paid but because of my gap (not just business but having his children) it took several failed interviews and then once successful it had taken months due to police checks. I then won’t get paid till October. I am struggling with the short fall.

I made a mistake with my business, I know this. He encouraged me to leave work to pursue it. At times it was very successful, I’m not in masses of debt but my overheads are high. I can still take on work and I’m working to do that in the interim.

i don’t expect him to get another job, but feel he can’t claim poverty when he makes a large amount of money for doing sweet FA, and the kids are in nursery or school all day. I also do a large proportion of childcare. He also has it very good. He does pull his weight with the house work, but he also disappears on night outs, takes several trips away a year with friends. I never question this or not allow it. Indeed he’s disappearing off over bank holiday weekend and that’s left me up creek without a paddle as I’m in my new job. I don’t want to paint him as the villain, I already feel like I have failed. I just want him to say ‘look I’ve put X in the joint bank . Pay me back when go get paid’

Are you actually a couple? It sounds like you don't really work together.
No shared household finances, he goes off on holidays (possibly without consulting you as you say it clashes with your new job starting).
It doesn't sound like a very supportive relationship.

No not sent him anything this month. I average around 5-1000 a month that I send him. I also do shops or send him money for groceries. I spend money on the children and buy what they need and their clothes. I am incredibly grateful that he is so financially generous, and he really has been, but I just don’t know if it’s right if one person in the marriage is crying over money while the other is fine.

I genuinely would’ve preferred to put everything in a joint but he’s never wanted to operate like that. I am tied into a lease until next year with my business but September is always very busy and with my new job money will be coming in. I just feel a bit stung that I’m going to be working over and above full time hours, kids are in full time childcare and school so he isn’t doing me any favours, and he gets to sit at home and choose whether to help me out financially or not

Would it help if he went out for the day? Your issue seems to be your don't approve of how he 'earns' his money. You don't seem like the fact that it enables him to be home.

To me what you need to do as someone else has suggested is look at the overall shared costs - not just bills, but food and money for the children.
Does he realise these costs are not fully covered?
Does he think you are wanting money for luxuries?
I always feel that there is a reason people don't want shared finances - does he worry you are reckless with money or that you buy children unnecessary items for example.

While he might not want a shared account, can another not be opened that he puts money into that covers costs of the budget you work out and he only transfers in that amount?

He certainly does not sound like a supportive partner 😕

This is not a partnership.

In the beginning I didn’t want joint finances with him as he was personally wreckless with money. He was in a lot of debt, he had defaulted etc and so pre-kids I was happy for us to have our own money and send money back and forth. Since having children though this hasn’t really worked, but I think because we know no other different way of it, he doesn’t want it to change. I don’t resent him for not working, he did have a job alongside this but learnt when made redundant that he didn’t need to work as his passive income is so high. In truth I know little of what money he has, only what he tells me.

I think my resentment probably lies in the fact I’m going to be working above and beyond full time hours, and he stays at home making a lot of money. Obviously this is his prerogative and benefits me because I can go back to work full time and he can manage the children. I went back to work when our youngest was 8 weeks old because I had my commercial rent to cover (at the time was actually only around £400 a month) and was struggling on MA. If I brought it up to him we would argue and he would make me feel pretty rubbish.

It’s Difficult as I don’t want to be outing as if I said what my business is or any info about his money, someone could stumble across this and identify us as it is quite niche. I can make several thousand a month in my business but cost of living has hit me, people spending less etc. I have had months where I’ve made a lot of money and with this I’ve sent him half towards bills, paid for shopping, paid for us to go on holiday etc. I have advocated for personal finances in many respects and even now I feel bad that I’m expecting his help. Whilst my business has not worked out, I’ve seen the writing on the wall and jumped ship. I am not in any debt.

i think he believes as he covers the mortgage etc he rightfully does his bit, he knows I don’t want money for luxuries as he commented yesterday how sad it was that I am struggling with business overheads and that’s meant I don’t pay for new clothes or to get my hair done. I don’t expect him to cover these things but he 100% sees that I’m struggling and said that he will ‘help me out’ if I can’t make my rent. But I just don’t want to have to beg. We do have a joint account so he could loan me a small amount and I pay him back once I’m in my job

He sees you struggling and doesn't offer anything? Do you feel loved, OP?

Passive income I am guessing is trading or life coach income rather than being a landlord as divorce would give you a share of the properties into the marital pot.

He is not a kind, caring or loving man. If he was, you wouldn’t be so stressed and worried. He seems to have no qualms about just going away with friends, whilst you can’t afford a hair cut.