Why am I resentful now my husband is finally making an effort?

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Hi everyone, I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here other than does anyone understand how I feel?

DH and I have been married for 20+ years, and I'd say we've been happy, but happy in a way where I felt I was existing rather than really living. Our child has had serious health issues since more or less birth, and it's fair to say we've been through some incredibly tough times. Things have calmed down a bit over the last few years, and we're now in our 50s.

Recently, I changed jobs and have had quite a bit of attention from a man at work. I've laughed about it with DH, but he's actually become quite jealous. He's started asking if I'm happy, whether everything's okay, and so on.
What's really thrown me is that he's suddenly started doing things he's never done before, like cleaning the house while I'm at work (he's WFH), saying things like, "There's no reason why I can't do this too," and generally making a real effort.
To be fair to DH, he's never been anything but decent but just in a very 'I'll make the least amount of effort and in my own time' way.

The problem is I'm absolutely fuming, and I don't really know why. All I can think is, why the f**k couldn't you have done this before? Why now?

He keeps bringing up the man at work, and I've told him he has nothing to worry about. The truth is, there's nothing going on, and I'm making a conscious effort to avoid that situation because I know it's probably just the attention I'm enjoying although I am very attracted to the person.

Has anyone else felt this kind of resentment? How do you get past this? To be completely honest, whenever I think about the future I just want to be alone!

I think I understand a little bit of where your resentment is coming from.

There is something truly infuriating, and hurtful, about the fact that he is only now making this effort because he feels there is a potential threat at play with this new man at work. It's like - you didn't love me enough to do it before, but now you are concerned you might lose me and all the comfort I bring, only NOW can you pull a finger out. It is anger-inducing, to me at least.

I am not sure I have real advice to give but I just very much relate to the absolutely simmering resentment.

Suggestion: explain this all to him in very blunt terms.

Further suggestion: don't encourage anything with the work man, it won't end well. Be flatttered but don't do anything you will regret. The priority is to make your husband appreciate how much he took you for granted and how angry you feel about it, and figure out what next steps look like.

Not sure this is useful in any way but I totally understand and relate to your feelings as detailed in your post.

I think your last sentence is very telling, as is your comment re existing than living. It sounds like your relationship could do with some attention. Would you consider some couples therapy to get you back on track?

I’m not sure how a relationship recovers from this. His default position is to use you, your energy, your capabilities, your time. He’s used you for this whole time. Now he feels insecure, he’s willing to put in the effort. Once he feels secure again, he will return to his default behaviour.

You can’t teach him how to love you, how to value you, how to cherish you.

Thanks, both.

@BeetrootLentilsGoatsCheese your comment about his efforts being infuriating and hurtful, and losing the comfort I bring, really hit home. I know he does love me but I've spent some time thinking about how he's spent a lot of time making me smaller - not in an abusive way but slowly, slowly, making our lives smaller to fit him.
Thank you for relating!

@Mattressahoy I'm not sure how I feel about couple's therapy to be honest. I did suggest therapy to him a few years ago, but that was related to the aftermath of our child's health struggles, and he refused.

Thanks again, lots to think on!

@DidILeaveTheGasOn my thoughts exactly! I just keep waiting for it to revert back to 'normal'. He's also keen for me to leave this job and, despite protesting otherwise, I know it's related to this other man.

I think this nails it. You realise deep down that he's safeguarding an asset, that he knew this is what he should have been doing all along but couldn't be arsed to because he didn't have to.

@Rhaidimiddim I think that's my real problem. I know he loves me but it got to the point recently where I couldn't move but he was next to me! That just drove me mad.
I love him but I'm really not sure what to do next. I feel like I need some time alone to get my head together.

Why are you reluctant re therapy? Gently OP, I wonder if your post is as open and transparent as it could be? Do you want to end your relationship with your husband? Are you imagining yourself with this other man (even if you don't intend to act on it?).

Hi @Mattressahoy I really am being as transparent as I can be. I think the problem is that this has only just happened in the last few weeks and I'm still processing it.

I was taken aback at how angry at him I felt now he's doing all these things that are making my life easier. It also feels very performative.
I'm not imagining myself in a relationship with this other man, but I have imagined a fling.

I think I'm generally feeling restless and unhappy with my current situation- whether that means I leave my husband or not. Or whether I work on myself and our relationship. I just don't know if I have the desire to do that.

I get that. If you're still feeling stuck in a few weeks, maybe a bit of individual therapy would help? Your own space to think through your options (and your feelings) in a safe space.

The issue with things like this is that it highlights just how badly you have been treated, and that you didnt realise it for so long. So him being nice and helpful and kind actually shows what a selfish lazy shit he was being before who didnt care about you. Does he love you? Or does he just not want to lose the Wife Appliance that has worked so well for him all these years?

Knowing that he could have been so much better but actively chose not to is not something you can unknow, and I am not sure that that resentment will ever leave you. You can bet your ass that if you left that job tomorrow, you would be back living with the selfish lazy shit within 24 hours.

@PyongyangKipperbang That's exactly how I feel!
I think the truth is that I'm just scared of exploding a bomb under my life.

@PyongyangKipperbang nails it. In theory, whilst he continues to make an effort, you will continue to feel betrayed and hurt - he could escalate his efforts, even (can you imagine) and you'd feel even worse, because he hasn't been doing it this whole time.

So, how do you move forward? I don't know if you can.

In my case, I married a man that would not have sex with me. I had low self-esteem and shouldn't have married him. He turned down all attempts to initiate something even when we were on our two-week honeymoon.

After many years, I finally gathered the courage to leave. Suddenly, he became affectionate. He would tell me he was in the mood. And he was, it wasn't pretend. He just couldn't be bothered for all those years. So when he started to reach out to me, wanted to initiate, I felt cold as stone and honestly quite dead inside. I was so hurt and so over it. No, I didn't want him to want me because I had one foot out the door. Why had he never wanted me when I was really with him?

It still hurts, it's quite corrosive because the betrayal of someone choosing not to make the effort, not to love you, not to cherish you, cuts deep. Our marriage ended and I'm now in a relationship with someone else. My ex husband is getting married to someone else and planning the honeymoon and my immediate gut reaction was a whole new wave of betrayal - and we're not even in a relationship anymore!

That's probably a me problem and not a universal experience, but anyway. I'd say that if you stay together, this is going to burn and hurt until you get therapy together with someone else in the room that can look at your other half and talk to him and make him essentially go, shit, what the fuck was I thinking. However - well, my ex and I also did couples therapy, and the therapist looked at my ex and went, essentially, wtf, and my ex went, shit, what the fuck have I done, and the fact that he only recognised what he'd done, REALLY recognised it, was due to SOMEONE ELSE telling him, absolutely annihilated me.

You want it to help but it really throws light on the lack of your own voice and worth in your relationship. It's like you are muted. I swear when I spoke my ex heard white noise.

@PyongyangKipperbang so sorry to hear that. Why do people behave so badly. How badly do they need control to do these things. I hope you're very happy with your new partner.

In my case, I'm remembering all the things that happened over the years and it's adding to my rage. I sometimes wonder if we'd ever have got together if I hadn't been at a very low place in my life. I was very social, well liked, owned my own flat and so on. He still lived at home and tagged along. People were shocked that we were together. I realise I had very low self esteem and I allowed him to shrink us.
I'm not putting all the rage onto him, I was there too!

Do you think it would help to have therapy on your own, to work through it?

I think it’s maybe deeper than you are thinking. You say you’re very attracted to him and wish to be alone. Ie don’t wish to be with your husband. So he’s clearly sensing this. And worried. And yes of course he should have made an effort before. But now he is worried your marriage will end. So I get the resentment but I also get why he’s concerned.

why did you tell him? Did you wish him to feel threatened? Did you really think he’d think it funny, a man you fancy fancies you? I’m not sure that’s the truth, were you showing him you’ve options? And now you are thinking you have the upper hand?

what is it you want op. Do you want him to suffer a bit as penance. Do you want him to see other men find you attractive. Do you want him to worry?

If this was a man you’d not consider, maybe if would be amusing, in a cruel way. But someone you have mentionitis over and fancy. That’s not funny

and are you sure he’s making moves and not just being friendly. I’ve seen so many threads in here where women thought the male colleague fancied them and he didn’t. It was the last thing on his mind and he was just being friendly.

i suspect you’re playing with fire right now.

yes, get your own therapy. And also, don’t be afraid to share how you feel with husband. You’ve been squeezed to one side, now it’s your turn to express yourself.

I’d tell him, as he’s finally realised you are worth keeping sweet, it’s your turn to make the running. He’s chosen not to bother pulling his weight or showing that he cared for the last however long, and he has a lot of making up to do.

I’d tell him how hurt you are that he left you lonely and unappreciated all those years.

I wonder if you feel conned and now you feel similar anger and resentment because you've suddenly seen how easily you have been manipulated? You thought he actually cared and loved you rather than someone who made his life easier but was a lot cheaper than a housekeeper. Is he money orientated and worried he will have to leave his comfortable life and home?

Definitely seek out therapy for yourself (not joint). This must be such a head fuck

1. Use this as an opportunity to genuinely reconnect/make a fresh start
2. Use this as an opportunity to separate as you've had your Damascus moment
3. If #1 stop mentioning the bloke at work, it is manipulative
4. If #2 live by yourself for a bit to see what it is you truly want out your life
5. If you do that and you are single, another relationship might or might not come your way. Your current DP might or might not feel there was overlap. Either way, you clearly aren't happy in the here and now.

I had this with my ex. For years he always had excuses as to why he couldn't do thingsI wanted. Then when someone else showed an interest, all of a sudden he wanted to do all those things he had kept avoiding, and he wanted me to spend all my free time doing them with him. It opened my eyes to the fact that he could have done them all along, but didn't, because my happiness wasn't important to him as long as he was getting his requirements met.

Note the word ex. I left him. I'm sure that once the "threat" went away, he would have reverted to type. I didn't give him that chance. But we didn't have DC, so it was easier. It's harder for you, but now your eyes have been opened, I doubt you will be able to recover your peace of mind.

Thanks, all. I'm going to try to respond to all comments and advice.

I do feel resentment and a bit conned but I have to say that it's not all been terrible. DH is a decent man but lazy. He just wants to stay home and has never been a person to come up with interesting things to do!

Re the other person- he made a very overt comment to me that literally stopped me in my tracks and made me realise he was flirting. I told DH in a kind of wtf? way and we did laugh about it. It was a few weeks later that he told me he was feeling destabilised by it (as I'd had to spend some time travelling with this other person). I genuinely had no other motives.

This sort of happened to me, though I hadn't been married so long, was younger, and never been happy with him. I was planning to leave then he started being nice and doing things round the house. I felt really angry, and realised it was because I really wanted to leave him anyway and didn't want new reasons why maybe I shouldn't leave. I.e. I didn't want him to become nice, because I'd already decided to go, even if I hadn't fully admitted it to myself.
I left and never regretted it.
I think your situation is different but some some of this might resonate a bit.

And I really don't have mentionitis I promise you. I've avoided the other person but I do work in the same office as them. I don't want to hurt DH in any way.

Thanks @Halfbeaklily I wonder this too!

It’s akin to asking for a pay rise at work and being told no until you hand your notice in and suddenly the money becomes available. If it’s available now, it should have been available before the threat of leaving.

My ex-husband did the same when I told him I wanted a divorce and it left me cold.