Should I be honest with my therapist about what I know about him?

[italianoo]

I have been seeing my therapist for a couple of years. He was recommended by a friend, who knows him as a friend from childhood/young adult years. They are now both in their late 40s/early 50s, and I am younger. I also know my therapist's parents (though we were never overly close and I don't see them regularly now), from the same context as I know my friend.
As a result I know of, but have never met, my therapist's siblings. I know how many siblings he has, their names, and I know that he's married to someone who's reasonably well known in a particular industry. I have looked at his wife's public Instagram account and there are photos on there of the two of them, and also of their children.
My therapist knows I know the mutual friend, and he knows I know/knew his parents. He doesn't know that I know he's married, that I know who he's married to, or that I know his children's names.
Part of me wants to tell him, but I'm afraid that if I do he'll say that I can't see him anymore because I know too much about him personally and I've looked at social media of his wife and also his brother, where there are more photos, although none of them are recent. I really value him as my therapist and I don't want to have to start over with someone else. Do you think he would have to stop seeing me if I told him?

I don't think you need to tell him that you've looked at his public social media. His choice to make it public. But if you've looked at it because you feel a bit obsessed with him, it might be better to look elsewhere if you can't control that. If it was just mild curiosity, forget about it and don't tell him, but don't start internet stalking him!

Good luck with the therapy

why are you looking at things to do with your therapists personal life? What is the reason you are seeing your therapist? why did you use this therapist if you know the family?

are you able to separate out what you know of him from looking him up online, talking to people he knows etc from him as the therapist in the room with you ??

if you can’t - you need another therapist, explain, if you want that you are discovered too much about his personal life and this has become distracting from the therapy relationship

if you feel you can separate it - stop looking him up online / chatting about him, focus on the therapy in the room

First post nails it.

Ending the therapeutic relationship isn’t a decision you need to put in his hands, it’s a decision you need to make for yourself. Reflect on the reasons you feel the need to know about your therapist’s personal life and what you hope to gain from it.

If you feel that you are starting or wanting to see your therapist as a personal friend or a fantasy romantic partner, it may be time to try someone else who you can maintain more objectivity with.

im not sure I agree with any of these responses fully. You definitely don’t need to tell your therapist you know. However, it isn’t a big deal that you do. If he has a public presence on social media, many many patients at some point will google his name and pick something up. He will know and expect this already. And frankly, unless you are stalking him forensically, you have every right to check out the history and reputation of a man you are alone with and outing your trust in.

now if you are fixating on him or having strong feelings about what you have discovered, and it’s blocking your focus on your own journey, then that is more of a challenge. But it is also very common in Therapy to having feelings about your therapist and these feelings can actually be something discussed in therapy and can lead to insights about you. Psychoanalysts are extremely practised at this and will be actively looking for these moments, when your projections onto them /feelings about them can teach you something. Eg your fear that he would ask you to leave because you have picked up a few random details he has allowed to be in the public sphere is honestly highly unrealistic. A psychoanalyst might want to discuss this with you, as a learning - reflecting perhaps a tendency on your part to fear abandonment, if this kind of fear has turned up elsewhere for you? Or if you try to control things by examining people due to a lack of trust etc…. So they would be curious about your feelings and what you could learn from them. Other types of therapist may be less confident and inclined to discuss this with you. But I still maintain that unless you’ve literally done hours of detective work, then whatever is easily available publicly on him is fair game for you to know.

hope this is useful.

That is a really interesting and helpful post. I've changed my mind about the advice I offered (first post) after reading it.

As a pp said, the key is why you’re stalking him online via his wife’s social media? If it’s a transference issue, it’s something that needs addressing.

You’re overstepping boundaries

Find another one.

I think that both of you should have considered this before you embarked on any kind of therapeutic relationship. Mainly him, he should have known better.

I think he's stupid to have anything publicly viewable online, it's something that we are warned about during training in psychology.

The relationship between you should be purely therapist-patient, but in this instance it has kind of become more than that.

I totally get the desire to look someone up btw, and I don't think that's unusual or worrying. But you have now ended up blurring those boundaries and it has, understandably, led to you now feeling uncomfortable.

It's difficult because you've obviously developed a good relationship with him.

In an ideal world I think you would talk to him about it and maybe take a session to explore how it has made you feel. I think you will feel better if you tell him rather than having it at the back of your mind all the time. But as you recognise, that may result in him suggesting you can no longer work together

It’s unusual to have therapy for years. Do you have a goal for your therapy? Are you making progress towards it?

It's not unusual. Just depends on the type of therapy.

OP, all you have done is look atvstuff that is readily available on-line - you haven't been following him or breaking into his house or anything.

So if you tell him I doubt he will stop seeing you, unless there are other worrying signs in the therapeutic relationship. He might want to talk to you about why you did it though.

If you want to be absolutely sure, don't tell him you did it. Why do you feel a particularly strong impulse to? Are you hoping he will respond a particular way?

Knowing things about your therapist isn’t not the issue.

understanding why you’ve looked is the point.

It’s great therapy fodder. He won’t fire you he will likely want to talk about why it’s important enough for you to have looked at it. I’m a seasoned therapy client and I’ve learned to ALWAYS talk about the weird and tricky stuff - makes for useful realisations about your wider life.

you’ve hardly dug up the Crown Jewels

as for length of therapy - no one can tell you what length is appropriate. That’s your business and based on numerous factors.

I’d be interested in why it matters that you know publicly available information about your therapist. Clients often try to find out more about their therapist for lots of reasons, it can help them feel safer, redress the power imbalance in the relationship or just satisfy curiosity. You won’t be the first or the last to look him up on line. The important thing therapeutically is for you to understand why you’re doing it why it matters.

You thinking he’ll finish working with you suggests you feel you’ve done something wrong. Only you know how far you’ve looked, and whether you’ve gone a bit too far bit again knowing what that gives you is more important than you having done it. If he’s experienced he’ll be able to explore it with you (and will also shut down anything he doesn’t want people looking at).

Having therapy for more than 10 sessions can be counterproductive as you become dependent on that person and telling them your thoughts which is not healthy. Why have you internet stalked him? I’d get rid.

Why on earth would you feel the need to tell him in the first place? I don't understand the issue at all. Therapy is for talking about yourself, stick to that.

Spoken like someone who really doesn't understand what therapy is about.

Agreed-
more than 10 sessions is counterproductive??
do you work in budgets for NHS ??
health ministers would love to think this -
drive - through therapy

why would you need to tell him ?

🤣 ok