Keeping pregnancy from toddler but nieces and nephews have been told

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Hello, looking for some reassurance/a shake!

We had our 12wk scan yesterday and now we know all is looking good so far, we've told our close families. I want to try and wait to tell our 3.5yr old until the 20wk scan - partly because 6 months is a long time for a toddler, but mostly because I'm feeling more anxious about this pregnancy (I'm older, and we have had a miscarriage inbetween) so I would like to get to the anamoly scan before we share the news with her.

My partner knew this, we discussed it and agreed on it. We went to great lengths last night to call family when she was asleep. He told his brother and SIL on speaker phone (them) and their two children were in the room (8 and 4). I'm really upset at the thoughtlessness?! Like, just check the kids aren't there, it's the summer holidays!

I now feel like we're keeping this huge secret from our little girl and she's the only one not to know - I don't know, it feels a bit mean now somehow? I also don't like the idea of asking children to keep secrets.

Am I over worrying and the kids won't care? Or was it ambitious to think I could wait that long without anyone letting it slip anyway?

Talk me down please!

You're over thinking

You're not keeping anything from your toddler - but if you are worried just tell her.

There’s nothing wrong with choosing not to tell her even if her cousins know. Is she likely to see them and are they likely to say anything to her in a way she can understand? If so maybe it would be better to tell her yourselves before she sees them, but otherwise I understand wanting to wait.

Our toddler is 2.5 and we mentioned briefly that there was a baby in mummy’s tummy after the 12 weeks scan and after the 20 week that it was a little sister. I know a year older probably makes a different but we have keep it super light so he knows it’s happening but that it’s. It wasn’t a big announcement for him but a matter of fact thing.

We also had a miscarriage in between so didn’t tell him too early.

if you are worried just mention it as a thing but no big announcement

Thanks everyone, I did wonder if I was being over-cautious waiting for 20wks but it just felt right. And yes sorry I should've mentioned, we're seeing them next week for a holiday, we would've waited a bit but it's going to be hard to hide it - and we're excited!
They are pretty sweet kids, I think they would understand that she doesn't know yet (she's the youngest too). Maybe I'll play it by ear - just conscious that they listen and pick up on so much at this age! She probably already knows 😂

The 8 year old is definitely old enough to not mention it to your daughter if you ask them. My 4 year old would be able to, but obviously that age they can be loose cannons! I’d just explain the situation to the parents and then if they don’t bring it up or make a big deal then the kids will probably follow suit.

It’s possible that the 4 year old has already forgotten or your 3.5 year old wouldn’t register what they were being told anyway!

Given the update about the holiday, I would be inclined to tell DD. She’s bound to hear something (especially with DH being such a blabbermouth) 😊

Many congratulations.

@Likeiloveyou thank you! I know, I think he is the real liability here 😂
I think I will keep a close eye on the first day and then make a call - it's possible they won't be that bothered

4 year old might have forgotten already or might mention it.

who do you think is as thoughtless? Your partner or SIL and Bil?

it’s unlikely people will remember not to mention it around your toddler to be honest

We had exactly this - my 4 year old didn’t know but my SIL told her 8 year old. I think 8 is old enough to understand not to say anything, but 4 is too little to ask to keep a secret. We also only saw them once before we told our daughter, as they’re not local to us. I think I’d tell your daughter before the holiday as I think she’ll find out from the 4 year old.

@Octavia64 I felt it was a bit thoughtless of my partner to get them both on speaker without checking if the kids were in the room first, especially as we'd discussed it so much

@modgepodge yes I think it'd be unfair to ask a 4 year old to keep a secret too. I have. two friends who recently managed to wait until the 20wk mark to share with their kids, and I'm amazed how they did it now!

I'm surprised you decided to share the news with other family at 12 weeks if you're not planning to tell your DD till 20 weeks! I wouldn't rely on a 4 and even an 8 year old not saying anything to be honest, and it wouldn't be fair to blame them if they do blurt something out. Young children are not good at keeping secrets! I would tell your DD before the holiday - keep it light and just say mummy's got a baby in her tummy. She'll be busy having fun on holiday with her cousins so she'll have plenty of distractions and probably won't focus too much on the baby news.

@whippersnapper55 it's only because of the holiday, otherwise we'd have waited, it'll just be too hard to hide in the confines of a small house!

Thanks for the advice everyone, I think I'll play the first day by ear and see if the younger one is even bothered anymore (we're going in just under a week) then decide whether to say anything x

Also just to say I honestly wouldn't blame either of the kids if they let it slip! More worried about the adults now anyway 😂

I'm pregnant after 2 miscarriages and was also reluctant to tell DS whos 3.5 years old. I'd rather have kept it a secret longer but my husband nearly blabbed it several times by accident plus several family and friends knew by then and I wanted to be in control of how my son heard the news. In your position I'd tell your DD, sounds very likely that someone will let it slip.

At 3.5 my son has a great understanding that the baby isn't coming until November. He hasn't been impatient or anything, it's just giving him plenty of time to get used to the idea. It's also been useful him knowing to not jump on my belly and that I'm a bit slower (23 weeks now). We told him around 12 weeks but I was showing shortly after so dont think I could have hidden it until 20 weeks.

@ThatMintMember thank you, that's great advice - and congratulations! It's tricky after a loss I think, it's making me extra cautious but I'm also in the same boat in that I'm not sure how long I'll be able to physically hide it too, and they're not silly are they!

I’m late 30’s. We had to tell my 4 and 2 year old at 7 weeks as we have no childcare, baby wasn’t planned so we had to have a private scan before we went on holiday to check everything was okay and they were in the room with us. I was a little worried them knowing in case anything went wrong but I realised as long as we didn’t make a big deal of it initially, if the worst was to happen then they’re so young that they probably wouldn’t actually dwell too much on it if we said the baby was too poorly or something. Luckily everything was fine and we started talking about it a lot more after the 12 week scan and more so after 20 weeks!

Baby is now here and very loved by her older siblings ❤️

Thank you 😊 it's definitely tricky after a loss. I actually had a scare shortly after we told him which made me regret it a bit. I've also told other people very gradually this time around, no big announcements.

I'm sure my son was psychic about it. He was randomly talking about babies and what to name them and things before we'd even told him.

This book is lovely for telling them btw, we told my son and then read this to him :)
amzn.eu/d/094PJKaA