Support needed for vulnerable 17-year-old possibly trying to get pregnant

[llost]

I’m feeling desperate and don’t know what else to do.

I suspect my 17-year-old daughter is trying to get pregnant. Over the past few days I’ve found at least 12 pregnancy tests. Every time I ask her about them, she insists they aren’t hers but I don’t believe that.

She has significant mental health difficulties and has become very involved with her boyfriend over the last couple of months. She’s written letters and “manifestations” saying that he will be her husband. He’s only 16. Realistically, I can’t see him being ready for marriage or parenthood and I’m terrified that she’s making decisions based on fantasy rather than reality.

I’ve raised my concerns with both her social worker and CAMHS. They both keep telling me that it’s her choice. I understand that she has rights and that I can’t control her but it feels like nobody is acknowledging the context of her mental health or how vulnerable she is.

Sorry, this is a difficult and upsetting situation
But what do you want professionals to do?
Illegally coerce her onto contraception? Speak to the boyfriend and make him wear a condom - by breaching consent and confidentiality ?

Yes, I would be upset and angry if this were my DD, but as a parent, and also as a social worker and therapist, you need to parent your own child. No one can do the things you are able to, but they come at a cost! Breach her trust versus the idea of a baby at 17. What is the bigger deal to you?

She is at his house the majority of the time. Comes home for the odd night or just to collect more clothes. I have no idea when she is coming back. She refuses to tell me.

I would almost certainly advise any of the yp that I work with AGAINST having a child young, and would be speaking to parents carers re this. But there are limits to what professionals can do!

So she's sharing a bedroom with this guy?

How do I parent her? I can’t make her do anything. Nothing I say makes any difference. She has mental health problems. It is not so easy as to just parent her. I can’t stop her leaving the house and going to her boyfriend’s house. If I stop her leaving, I can be arrested for coercive control.

I have already mentioned in a previous post what I would like the professionals to do.

Yes. I told the boys mum I am not happy with the arrangement but she is and she said she will not send DD home.

I have been very patient but I am reaching the end now. She has regularly screamed the whole house down because I said something she did not like.

Tell the boys mum- in a letter- that your DD is planning to get pregnant and she can look after the baby as your DD is incapable.

Yes there are limits but they are telling her it is fine to drink when she has an alcohol problem and they say everything is her choice. She feels empowered and then tells me and DH that she can do whatever she wants and no one can stop her. She says how lovely CAMHS are and that I should be as nice and as understanding as them. They don’t live with her and neither do they face the consequences of her behaviour.

She is actively self harming and alcohol dependent yet they tell her she has capacity and can make her own choices.

@llostI don’t deny that. Unfortunately the options are quite limited. As someone who’s worked with many ND girls who are suicidal, and vulnerable, but not so vulnerable or suicidal to warrant MHA assessment - it’s really effing hard.
Personally when I work with yp like this its a hard balance to engage them in a therapeutic relationship, but I will always do my best tell them the truth if safe to do so, even when it’s not pretty.
However the most I could do is advise against something and try bring them round to this understanding themselves, doesn’t always work sadly. Parenting her isn’t easy, I’m sorry if that sounded dismissive, as I know it won’t be. What I mean is that you will have to make some very hard and upsetting choices and that isn’t necessarily fair or good for anyone but will likely be part of doing what you can to either keep your peace, or protect her as far as you can. There are also limits to what you can do, which is never a nice feeling as a parent.

She’s not going to look after the baby. No one can make her. Her and her son can just walk away anytime they want.

So can you though. I was younger than your daughter and my mum had nothing to do with raising my child.
If you’d feel guilty about the child going into care the other grandmother would have the same feeling.
Not sure why you think it’s different? You’d both be 25% the dna

Also @llost are you 100% sure they’re actually saying this - have you had a separate parent consultation or regular check ins to discuss her care. I try to do this with all of mine even if they are older.

the reason being is that they say all sorts to their parents, I’ve worked with kids many years in a range of settings and have watched them say all sorts. I will also always correct the whole ‘ you’re so nice I wish you were my mum’ spiel, ‘I’m nice because I don’t live with you and vice versa so we are removed from each other emotionally!’
CAMHS care does vary and people vary, but I’d check what she’s taking versus what’s actually being said

Yes I have separate meetings with CAMHS. They tell me it is her choice to do what she wants. They say she has capacity to give consent. They have said it’s fine if she drinks. I heard it from them myself.

I said that in response to this:

Tell the boys mum- in a letter- that your DD is planning to get pregnant and she can look after the baby as your DD is incapable.

Make it clear to her that you won't be taking on the responsibility of a baby. If she gets pregnant she'll be on her own and won't be allowed to stay with you. Unless you are prepared to bring up a child for the next 18 years.

I know but you said she can just walk away and no one can make her, but the same also applies to you.

OP what a nightmare. I'm really sorry. And I feel (some of) your pain as I have a daughter who self-harms and very nearly killed herself before, and is currently being let down by the latest lot of psychiatrists/therapists, who are turning out to be every bit as useless as their predecessors.

It's awful when you're turning every which way for help and all you get is trivializing and shallow, blind, forced 'positivity'. 'Capacity' my ass. And to watch your child doing damage to themselves, knowing that they act out of pain but that they also know that at some level, the threat of self-harm gives them power. And to know that if you try to press a perfectly reasonable point with the 'experts', you'll only be labelled 'difficult'. It's all so nightmarishly dysfunctional.

It does sound like you're out of options, quite simply - certainly as far as preventing a pregnancy is concerned. I'd be tempted to at least try to get a letter to her, spelling out the practical consequences of pregnancy. You'd have to enumerate a lot of potential bad outcomes - being dumped, fetal alcohol syndrome, dropping out of education, baby going into care... I'd try to not phrase it as a threat, just as an enumeration of things that can go wrong. Not to badger, just to unfold for her the reality she'd create for herself.

But above all, try to do something for yourself. You've clearly been through several awful years with your daughter and you deserve to focus on your own wellbeing too. The 'let them' slogan is facile, but maybe you can pull back a bit, try to set the whole mess aside, do something you enjoy. Breathe. Or maybe you need to scream into a pillow first. I hope you find a way forward for yourself, whatever your daughter does.

Well that’s when you involve SS although presumably would already be involved.

There’s no answer here. You can’t stop her seeing him, you can’t stop her sleeping with him, you can’t force her on contraception, you can’t force her to have an abortion so if there ends up being a baby that you don’t want to look after then she’ll either step up to the plate as many many young mums do or she won’t and if you don’t want to help then the baby will be placed into care. I completely get that this sounds extremely flippant and it’s not meant to and every word is typed with sympathy and me trying to put myself in your shoes having pretty much already been in your daughters shoes. It’s an awful awful situation for you both. Your poor daughter feeling that she needs to do this for whatever reason.

I am really surprised and concerned that professionals working in mental health services are encouraging your daughter to continue to drink. Alcohol is a serious depressant.

I mean this gently OP-does she understand link between sex and pregnancy...
I worked with a 14 year old once who wanted a baby... She thought French kissing a boy would result in baby. She had pregnancy tests too

Absolutely this, if we were to say 'YOU MUST NOT GET PREGNANT, YOU MUST NOT HAVE SEX, YOU MUST NOT DRINK' to someone who is vulnerable they would be seen as pushing their personal opinions onto her, the work is about empowering people to understand what choices are positive for them and what ones are not. However that doesnt work with young people who cant seem to make wise choices. They would be seen as controlling vulnerable clients

Having said that, I do say that to young people and to hell with the consequences but I know why others dont.

Families think that professionals have some magic wand or magic way of fixing their young people who are like this. Unfortunately there is no fix for this. She hopefully wont get pregnant but if she does, its not likely the child would stay in her care, either going to family members or being adopted most likely.

I hear you. But that seems to be your only option. As she is effectively living with them.

Well it wouldnt be, neither the girl nor the boy sound as if they would pass a parenting assessment and the child would probably have an adoption plan given its a baby

OP could ask for a capacity assessment and if she is found without capacity a decision could be made as to whether she should be forced to have contraception, thats the only option but the law allows for people to make unwise choices so the threshold for that is incredibly high

Over the years despite hammering home 'you cannot care for a child you are 16/17, you need education, you have no where to live' etc etc, until the cows come home, kids get pregnant. Girls want babies, they see it as a fantasy, particularly kids like OP describes. Ive worked with girls that are far more able and savvy than OP's daughter and they still go ahead and make unwise choices despite a plethora of advice and guidance. They dig out their contraception or they dont take the pill or they choose not to renew it or any number of things.

Thank you. I am very sorry you also have a daughter who self harms and has nearly killed herself. Keep pressing your point with the therapists/psychiatrists even if you get classed as difficult. I have done this myself to get my daughter additional support. DM if you would like to discuss.

I am happy to point out all the negatives of a pregnancy but she denies she is even sexually active so won’t talk about it. She point blank refuses to talk about anything she does not want to. CAMHS won’t push her either. They asked her about the pregnancy tests. She said no concerns. They told me it is nothing to worry about and they will keep working with her.

I do need to find a way forward for myself because my whole life has been consumed by this for years with repeated A&E visits, appointments, assessments, washing blood stained sheets and clothes from the self harm, her drunken abusive behaviour. I have done a lot for her but she is reaching a new level that I can no longer tolerate.