I’m in a really unhappy marriage. My DH is the laziest man I know, he literally does nothing to help in the house and will sit scrolling on instagram for hours on end watching me trying to cook, clean and look after the DC. He has never, not even once, woken in the night to help with our children, our youngest is 3 and has still never slept through - that’s a lot of nights! He has literally never prepared or cooked a meal for anyone but himself- not even toast for lunch! He’s great at being ‘fun dad’ so on holidays or theme park days you’d think he was father of the century, but the other 350 days a year he’s a lousy parent - I don’t even like the way he speaks to them. (He’s never been abusive, but little things like they’ll be sat playing in the hallway when he wants to get past and he will literally just bark ‘move’ and keep walking) - I’m constantly telling him don’t speak to them like that! He goes out 2/3 nights every week as there’s always another thing he wants to do - cinema, cricket, friends, out with his dad, more cinema (I know how it sounds but he really is doing all these things) - I think he just prefers not having the responsibility of parenting and likes a selfish lifestyle. I’m not resentful of him being out because A) - I genuinely want to be at home with the children and B) I’m a far happier person when he’s out. But the audacity of it all makes me angry. I changed job roles years ago to 4 days a week pastoral in a school to minimise childcare and maximise time spent with them - he has a typical ‘9-5’ job which has allowed him to climb the ladder and earn over double what I do - this should in theory be great for our family - but he insists on 50/50 towards everything because ‘I choose to earn less’ - all bills, holidays, days out etc we go 50/50 on. The DC I somehow end up paying everything for though - not a penny comes to me towards clothes, shoes, clubs, entertainment etc. Even household things fall to me - when the oven broke last year I had to replace it without a penny from him because he sees that as my responsibility. We’re not intimate because, though he tries, I feel real genuine anger when he does and think ‘how can you expect so much from me all day with no support, and now expect this’.
Anyway, my actual question, I want to leave, I feel happy at the thought of it. But I worry that he’ll ask for 50/50 custody out of spite and then the DC’s needs won’t be met for 50% of the week (and I selfishly don’t know how I’d cope… I live for them) and worry that I will no longer have the back-up of financial stability (even though I don’t see it - but I know that when old we’ll be secure with a decent pension). I also worry that the children will blame or resent me for breaking up with home, even though the older 2 (we have 3 DC) do argue with him a lot and seem so much happier when he’s out.
So what was life like for you once you left if you had similar circumstances? I like my own company so don’t worry about meeting someone else. I’m close with his sister and her DC, closer than he is, so do hope she would understand (she often makes comments) and we could maintain that relationship.
I struggle with confidence/confrontation so don’t know how I would broach the subject. My DH struggles with empathy so I genuinely don’t think he’s considered how I feel or that I’m miserable - so this will likely come out of the blue for him.