Should I stay out of my brother-in-law's difficult new marriage?

[sansawega]

I feel awful for BIL and very guilty for even writing and thinking this. Like maybe I should just be less judgemental and keep my nose out of it.

He got married to his best friend since high school. They got engaged very quickly after dating just weeks and their wedding was 7 months later.

It could be love but could be desperation and comfort. We asked him many times about her over the years and he said they are very incompatible for marriage.

They both got rejected and rebounded onto each other at the same time. He really wanted a parter and family. So DID she. She comes from a very poor family in an Asian culture, and his is wealthier from the same country. So she has struggled a lot in life.

3 months after the wedding she no longer wants kids, ever. She says she wants to travel and have fun. He looked so deflated. He thinks she will change her mind. He doesn't know what to do if they don't. They're late 20s. They argue all the time. He is very mild natured so it's hard to imagine him arguing back. I've known him for 10 years. We went away with them recently and every tiny thing he did wrong turned into a 45 minute argument. Stuff I wouldn't even raise if DP did. She didn't really accept a quick apology from him but wanted to argue. He looks like he's madly in love with her but very worn down and unhappy. Other than this she is a nice person.

It's been 6 months of marriage now. They come from a culture where it's very hard to find a partner if you're divorced. I know he fears he won't find someone as he was single for 6 years and got exhausted with the apps. He is financially supporting both of them. She quit her job when they got married because she didn't enjoy it and is now trying to monetise her hobby.

She is very beautiful and has lots of lovely qualities about her.

My DP is very unconfrontational and diplomatic and trying to support his brother by asking lots of questions but he is being a good cop. He never would give his opinion just be an ear. No-one else knows about the kid thing. My MIL cried because she felt her son was being abused emotionally because sometimes SIL screams at BIL but they argue every single day. They all live together. MIL feels theres already a bit of tension so she can't raise anything. BIL is good at listening but always keeps his cards close to his chest.

Is this none of my business? do I just stay out of it? It's been on my mind a lot.

I am also close with BIL.

Obviously stay out of it.

I think it is ok to say is this what he really wants?
Do not give an opinion but simply ask him questions.

Would you want someone sticking their beak into your marriage?

Stay out of it.

Didn’t really need to even read past the title.

Butt out.

For so many reasons, butt out.

@Hotpants123 DP is doing that. I just feel he chose to tell us when he could have kept it to himself. Maybe it was a cry for help

Stay as far away as you can.

Stay out of it.

They come from a culture where it's very hard to find a partner if you're divorced.

He'll find it way easier than she will anyway.

You're his blood family so it is your business.
People really shouldn't marry if one wants kids and the other doesn't, as that's about the only thing you can't compromise on, so you could suggest they see a therapist who can talk about this.

Of course the OP isn't her brother in law's blood family 😳

I would if I was being emotionally abused.

you need to support him and maybe encourage him
to counselling and stand up for himself.

I think that a wife not wanting children and him wanting them is a very socially acceptable reason to get divorced - if he puts that on his marriage cv lots of broody women will be very interested in him!

the quicker they divorce the better in terms of finances for him.

Maybe he needs you both to tell him that he won't be shunned by his family and loved ones if he divorces this woman.

serious question - what do you hope to accomplish with getting involved? I'm trying to imagine what the even looks like.

You're not going to be able to fix that. I think you should stay well out of it. It's entirely up to BIL and SIL in terms of what they do. They each may think it's better to stay married rather than be single, even in those circumstances, and that is their call.

If roles were reversed, and it was brother in law shouting at her and deciding once they were married he no longer wanted children, would most responses still be keep your nose out or ltb?

How does 'keep your nose out or ltb' even make sense as a choice?

Obviously he should leave this marriage, and obviously the OP should stay out of it.

I just don't think I can see someone get emotionally abused and do nothing. I feel I have to do something.

Here are the ways one could get involved:

I think he wouldn't consider the treatment he is on the receiving end of as abuse so someone pointing that out to him.

Letting him know that the arguing isn't normal (I think he grew up with a shouty dad so may not know this) and encourage therapy.

I think taking him through and coming up with a plan for the no kids thing. Such as asking him if he would want to put a timeline on the relationship. So if she hasn't changed her mind in 2 years to reevaluate then? I just picture him being unhappily married to her for years and years.

DP is pretty incapable of doing this as he would see it as interfering.

MIL lives in the house with them, I could encourage her to raise it with them. She would only do this with encouragement.

I expect to still receive a barrage of people telling me to keep my nose out.

I expect to still receive a barrage of people telling me to keep my nose out.

Well listen to them then, and to your husband.

ETA: Just seen he's your partner, so this man isn't even your BIL?

Even more reason to keep out.