Not sure what I'm hoping to gain from this post. Thanks if you manage to read it all and apologies in advance if the post is incoherent. My mind is a little scrambled at the moment.
I have a toddler who was recently diagnosed with autism.
One way or another, I am convinced I am responsible for her autism.
I had a really troubled upbringing. Although I have always been aware of this in a vague and undefined way, it's only recently that I've come to understand that my dad was probably abusive, my relationship with my mum and siblings is really dysfunctional/codependent, and our home life was generally unhealthy. I spent a decade self harming from my mid-teens, and frequenctly overdosed on PKs. I didn't tell anyone or seek help. My siblings struggled in their own ways.
Despite all this, I muddled through life. I got a PhD, a decent job, I lived alone in a nice part of the country (away from family), and maintained a small number of fufilling friendships. I remained self employed however because I struggled with work place politics, appraisels, and the bureaucracy that comes with employed/"normal" jobs. I also struggled romantically and remained single during this time.
My parents seperated when I was in my early 30s. It was a catastrophic seperation. Around the same time, I met one of very few men to show me any interest. I married him and we had a child, all really quickly. He isn't a bad man, but he has his own issues and we struggled to communicate our (complex emotional) needs, and eventually seperated.
Soon after seperating, my toddler was diagnosed with autism. She is nonverbal, no where near starting potty training, still using a bottle, her emotional meltdowns are difficult to manage and daily. I feel like I have failed her. Initially I felt guilt about the stress I was under during my pregnancy , then that I had a difficult (assisted) birth, then I couldn't breastfeed her, then I felt guilt about crippling PND that stopped me from leaving the house, then the seperation from her father.
I've never really felt "normal", even now. And not just normal but an adult. I've always felt like a child, a little girl just pretending to adult and failing. I cannot command authority or respect in my workplace for example despite often being the most highly qualified there. I don't feel like worthy of being a mother or a wife. I see others living their lives, whether it's employment, motherhood, their marriages, and wonder when I would start feeling like a proper adult.
I am currently estranged from my father (he didn't reach out even after my birth of my daughter, his first and only grandchild), and from my siblings (who have chosen not to speak to me, they've blocked me on all platforms). I'm struggling with work a lot. Struggling to maintain friendships. I joined a MH support group for mothers of young children recently. We have a WhatsApp group and my suggestion that we meet up over the summer was met with silence. I'm wondering if I am just a weird and cold and unlikeable person.
Anyway, not sure what it is I am after. If anyone has lived through something similar, maybe you have any pointers or advice.
Thanks so much