Unsure about marriage due to his mental illness

[AutismPosts]

He's still in hospital. They've changed his meds again. I'm starting to wonder if he even will get better.

But as people hinted at or said outright in my previous posts, this might be marriage ending. I don't know if I want him home at all. Even if he gets better I don't know if I see a future with him anymore.

It's our 20th wedding anniversary in a few weeks. I feel almost certain we wont reach 22. I feel sad but mainly flat about that thought, like it is inevitable.

I'm not making any decisions right now or in the near future. Hopefully this is just me being emotional and my own way of protecting myself and daughter for the time being.

That's so hard. I read your previous threads and have no real advice but much sympathy.

Only you can decide, and nobody has the right to judge you, regardless of your decision. I hope you make the right decision for yourself and your daughter.

I'm sorry, and I understand. It's got to be so hard and you have your daughter to think of.

I don't know if I missed some posts, but how did the holiday go?

A friend has just ended a 25-year marriage to an alcoholic, after at least 10 years of battling for help, dealing with the chaos, paying for rehab and trying to shield their children. But although he possibly won't cope without her, she's realised all her effort would never be enough to keep him sober; it just wrecked four lives instead of one.

I think your vulnerable teenager needs you, especially now.

It's in a couple of weeks. I'm slightly more excited than I am terrified now so that's an improvement! 🤣

He's stopped asking me not to go so that's also an improvement but I'm not allowed to mention it either.

That was very strong of her.

I think at some point he chose to drink alcohol. I know it can quickly get out of hand and sometimes alcohol misuse is a coping method but it isn't something that happened TO him and his family, he had at least a small part in it.

My husband had no choice in this so it seems really unfair on him and us.

I don't want to have to think about whether all the medicines are where they should be all the time or worry about if he is late coming home one day.

I think you’re right to consider if this is sustainable.
it doesn’t make you a bad person.
People might say it’s a selfish decision but why is being selfish always a negative, it shouldn’t be.

It’s ok to prioritise the wellbeing and happiness of you and your child. That’s sensible and appropriate. Your priority is your child over another adult.

I’m so sorry OP. I’m glad you are going on the trip.

I generally visit once a week now. It's not him I visit, just something pretending to be him.

But it upsets me. I'm walking on eggshells and constantly have to think about the impact of what I say. I had some good news that he would normally have loved to hear but I couldn't tell him because it had a clear association with a trigger point, although not directly linked to it and I didn't want to risk it.

And he says he wants me to visit but never seems pleased to see me. He asked me to bring him something today. When I visited, the first thing he said was "have you got it?" so I said "hello to you too". He replied "yeah but have you got it?". He generally doesn't ask how we are but when he does, he clearly doesn't actually care. I dont know how much is his meds/lack of interaction/depression but it's exhausting and leaves me feeling awful.

OP, I think you need to worry less about it not being anyone's fault, and more about the impact of someone else's serious MH problems on you and your child.

Because when it comes down to it, whether someone hits you because they meant to and threw a punch or hits you because they accidentally threw out their arm while next to you, your nose is still broken either way. If someone makes your life and the life of your child exponentially worse, you should concentrate on minimising the impact by whatever means, rather than what is causing the behaviour. That's their issue to seek treatment for and sort out.

I used it more as an example of how trying for years sometimes still can't save another person, just sink more of the family.

Actually, alcoholism runs through his family like a stick of rock. Bipolar disorder and psychosis run through mine (and have divided relationships). Sometimes you can only save yourself and your children.

I have little sense of time these days! But I'm glad there's a bit of improvement in your excitement and his attitude.

Given that your visits are once a week now, you being away isn't really going to make any difference, surely? Will he even notice?
I really hope you both have a great time though. You couldn't deserve it more.