I'm carrying a lot

[ExpressHydration]

Last year my dad died.

Towards the end of last year, my husband left me. Utterly unexpected to me. I thought we were good. Been together for 30 years. He went about it in a particularly unpleasant way, very premeditated and unkind. Long term affair. Financial lies.

He left and didn't look back. I've been managing the fallout for our children. I've been managing everything. The financial side has been particularly stressful. And just, fitting in all the sports and taking them to stuff and doing, well, all of it.

I'm selling the house. Have to. It's quite a process. It's like a whole extra job.

I am a hod at my school and I lead another initiative, as well as full time classroom teaching. It's quite full on. My team don't really know what I'm dealing with in my personal life. I keep work and personal separate. And my job at work is to support others.

I've been doing okay. I think I've been doing well. It's a lot but I'm still standing.

But just recently, I've been struggling to maintain friendships. Replying to texts and seeing friends feels like yet another thing I have to do. I worry that might not be healthy.

And I'm a bit tearful recently. My kids were at the kitchen table playing video games and singing along to the radio and it made me sob. (they didn't notice 😁 I slipped away).

I suppose I'm asking on a practical level of there's anything I could / should be doing? I am carrying a lot because there is a lot to carry. But I can't crumble. And I suppose I worry I'm starting to show cracks. I need to do it all for a bit longer.

You are carrying a huge amount.

I think you need to tell work what’s going on. Not as an excuse, just useful information. Presumably there’s an inset day or two next week when you might have time to raise it quietly? And you have the summer break coming up which provides reset time. Can you use some of that period of space to make some progress on the house admin, and also to look at anything you can drop (do the kids need to do all those activities/ is there another parent who can share drop offs etc)

You should definitely try to find some time to prioritise your friendships if you can as they will help sustain you long term. How many of them know the extent of what you’re carrying?

I’m so sorry you have been through all of this, it sounds like you have been doing an amazing job. I wonder if you are trying to hold too much inside, I couldn’t do that. Telling one or two trusted colleagues at work wouldn’t take away from the fact that your job is to look after other people. It’s the old saying about putting your own oxygen mask on first, isn’t it? Are you having any counselling? I would just try and make sure you are doing little acts of self care. Go out for coffee with a friend who will listen. Get a massage once a month. I hope you can relax a bit during the summer holidays. Good luck and I wish you all the best.

Oh this sounds so hard.

You need to start getting some support - it feels like you are holding everything in. Do you have close enough friends or family to lean on for a while? Could you afford some counselling?

It does get better but the first year or so can be a haze of distress and pain. It’s when you need your friends and support systems.

You are carrying a lot. Will things be easier once the house is sold? Is that the light at the end of the tunnel?
On a practical level - is there any counselling type support you could access through work/your union? Could you tell your manager/head what’s going on and would there be an option to reallocate some roles? Do you think you might be depressed (the unexpected tears, apathy towards friends)? Perhaps doctors to discuss? Could be menopause? Sorry OP sometimes life is overwhelming. I just wanted to say I have read your post this morning and wish you the best.

Thank you for your kind replies. They made me cry.

I think I have bottled it all up. I haven't fallen apart or taken time to process any of it. I've just carried on. I think this might be unsustainable - but also I actually can't fall apart. It's all on me. I need to keep going. I suppose there will come a time I need to stop and think.

It's not all bad. My kids are amazing and they are doing well.

The last sentence of your post was good to see. I was coming on to post that you need to focus on the positives. When I got divorced I had to move out of the family home, my ex stayed as he could afford to buy me out and he could afford the huge mortgage, but it meant I don’t get to see much of my older teen children who mostly stay at the big house, in their old rooms. I am envious of the single mums who have all of their children full-time but recognise how difficult they have it too.
You are lucky to have that. But you definitely need to reach out to friends and decompress occasionally to stay sane.

For me, going through a nasty divorce, and same re a financial abusive exH, I did have to go on anti depressants. Divorce is still ongoing but I’m off the pills now. I think I was on them for about a year.

they helped me.

Tough times for you OP but personally I wouldn't be selling the house. If he wants it sold then tell him to get on with it. The same as the divorce, if he wants a divorce then let him organise it. I'd just sit back and chill out a little bit and concentrate on my MH.
Why are you taking it all on?