To not really understand comments like this (sexuality)

[3cats00]

A new woman started at work, a male colleague in our team seemed keen to get to know her. Then a few days later he said to 2 of us, 'Do you know that new girl is actually a lesbian?!'.
He seemed quite surprised. I asked him why he was surprised and he seemed sheepish and said he "wasn't expecting it" then made a joke about how you "can't tell these days". I wonder if he was assuming all gay women are 'masculine' with short hair and so on?

What's to understand?

What's to understand is that some men are shocked that a more feminine woman with long hair isn't automatically straight.

I would suggest that if she has felt the need to tell him this after only a few days then it implies he has stepped over the line of what is appropriate at work.

The fact that he felt the need to then share that all with you would only seem to confirm it.

Bless his cotton socks. His ego has taken a bashing. How can an attractive woman not possibly be attracted to the opposite sex.

I can understand that ppl are diverse & some are slow on the uptake. This is ok.

What an absolute Neanderthal.

I think society has actually become more stereotyped about this kind of thing, rather than less.

But apart from that, sometimes you do get a strong sense from someone about sexuality and it can be a surprise when it turns out to be incorrect. I have a friend everyone thinks is a gay man, they are shocked when he isn't.

He probably has a very two dimensional view of sexuality and expects lesbians to correspond to a stereotype. No doubt wishful thinking on his part because he wanted to sleep with her and hoped she might be available.

As a PP suggests, it’s quite likely she told him she was a lesbian to get him to back off. So who knows whether she actually is a lesbian.

Surprised how often people think that lesbians smoke a pipe and wear braces!

This is where the phrase “that’s a curious thing to say out loud” and a good bit of side eye comes in useful

Yup, homophobia should be completely astounding and totally unacceptable in this day and age.

Yes, it is incredibly tedious and quite insulting. I frequently get told (as a lesbian) that I don't look like a lesbian, as if that is supposed to be a compliment!

He very likely overstepped so she had to shut him down.

Or… he could have asked about home life and she said something natural like ‘my wife is…’

I don’t make a big thing of announcing it to work colleagues, it just naturally comes out (no pun intended) when getting to know people

OP you’re right in that he probably had a vision in his head of what a lesbian looks like. I’ve even been told in the past “well you don’t look like one” 🤦‍♀️😂

Its probably the first time he's knowingly met a lesbian. Wait till he finds out about Gary in accounts.

What’s to understand? I remember at art school when every other person seemed gay, me and a gay friend were talking about a new older student. We both thought he was gay as he had the stereotypical appearance and manners of being so. He wasn’t and we were both astonished. That’s no different.
That was back in the 1980s, when it did seem easier to identify someone’s sexuality by appearance, though as above one could get it wrong., as I think then if you were out, you were OUT. Now as it’s more common? Normal? Accepted? that there are different sexualities it is also harder to label someone as this or that. He was surprised- so what?
@MistakenFlutterby in my work it was fairly common for people to date each other. And gossip too!

I’d assume he fancies her and was cracking onto her and she had to tell him he she was gay; what a leech.

He has clearly led a sheltered life, many of us are hiding in plain sight, throw a sprinkling of children into the mix, a dog as opposed to a cat and a hatred for any left wing politics and it really confuses 😁

A lot of people still have a lot of stereotypes over how certain groups are meant to dress, act and behave based on all manner of immutable traits.

It’s stupid but lots of people are stupid.

She may have told him that because she doesn't like getting chatted up- I've known several women who have ducked unwanted attention this way.

My friend ''S'' is in her 60s, only 4'10 tall, never wears ''feminine'' things like skirts/dresses, no makeup and has short hair, but not very short, collar length. Never married, no kids - both by choice. She's gay.

She's not anti-men, but never had any interest in them in an intimate way, and she's not bothered by kids. She told me that, other than a natural thing, one of the reasons so many women are gay is because of the thought of creepy weirdos like the bloke you mentioned appalles them, and I fully agree!

I'm 61, never married/no kids by choice, but while I'm not gay, and not anti-men, I don't fancy blokes either.

That awful bloke obviously has such a ginormous self-obsessed ego that he thinks all women should fancy him! Would he have made such vile comments if the lady were 5 ft tall, 23 stone and ugly? No, he wouldn't!

If she's not gay, she might well have told him she is, to try to back him off.

I hope she kicks him in the bollocks so hard he'll never be able to breed!

Okay is it bad that I laughed at this because I am a lesbian and have been craving a cigar for weeks?!

I have heard similar comments in my work place. A member of staff is gay and presents as feminine. It seems it’s surprising to some.

Tell him it’s 2026 . People are gay . Animals are gay . Get over it .

Oh yes of course she might have naturally mentioned it in passing, but him feeling the need to announce it to the team is rather telling on
himself.

Do you ever say to them that they don't look straight or they don't look like an idiot, but you just can't tell from looks, can you.