Am I unreasonable to think my friend is upset about missing her wedding?

[Peonyblush2026]

Hi, just looking for an objective opinion on this scenario.

I got married a few years ago. My then maid of honour got engaged about 6 months ago. I got her a gift and a card and got her some lunch to celebrate. She never brought it up but I realised that I wasn't going to be asked to be a part of her bridal party. I was and am ok with that.

Fast forward and we have been to her hen do. I got up early and left the house at 7:15 am and travelled 2 hours 45 mins to the destination to attend the scheduled activity that was on early, attended the day and went home around 9:30 pm as I didn't want to spend the night there. While at the hen she brought up a semi embarrassing story about me that was distorted from her bad memory in front of the other ladies, whom I didn't know. It was a bit awkward and when I gently pushed back on her version she doubled down and didn't apologise for it. Just a bit weird and awkward but I wasn't impressed.

Now I've looked fully at the calender and I have realised that I work course to do all around the time of the wedding and I'm still on probation as it's a new job. I messaged her a nice message and explained that I can't go because of work but offered to meet up etc and she hasn't replied. It's been a couple of days. I'm thinking she's annoyed and I'm concerned about what it means for the friendship.

I thought back on it all over the last couple of days and realised that she has had boundaries too over the years. I hadn't asked much of her during the wedding prep. I had asked her once to attend a dress fitting with me and she declined citing work and I said ok. Then after the wedding my friend messaged her and asked if she'd like to help her organise a small baby shower for me and she declined saying that she was busy and when I let her know that I knew that she had been asked but that I didn't want one anyway she said yeah I told her I don't have a free minute for that. I would have thought given that she would understand what it's like to have a busy schedule.

What do you think?

I think she hasn't said anything yet. I would just carry on with your life assuming she's ok with it since you can't know otherwise until she says so. Maybe try getting back in touch in a week or two?

Honestly? She sounds a bit self centred to me. What exactly does she bring to the friendship table? You can’t go, it’s that simple. She’ll just have to have the titty lip on about it.

She has read it and it is out of character for her not to have replied by now

She’s probably upset. Why assume she’s angry? When I had a friend drop out of my wedding I was upset about it.

She probably thinks you’re angry about the hen do story and so are refusing to come to the wedding. Which is true.

I get she might a bit annoyed but I would have thought she'd understand why and get that I've tried to make an effort for her but I'm wondering now if any of it is appreciated lol

OK and she probably is sad that her close friend won’t come to her wedding after you said you’d attend the wedding. Give her some grace and a little time to be upset about it before requiring her to reply instantly to assuage your feelings.

Not true that

I mean that's ok and maybe she is replying later than usual - but you don't know she's annoyed! You're getting all self righteous about it without her having said anything. She might be upset and just taking her time writing a message that lets you know she's disappointed you can't come but understands. She might be doing something else. Yes, she might be livid but you can't do anything about that can you!

Not a smart move on your part to tell her you suddenly couldn´t come to her wedding right after some small not seeing eye to eye moment. Now she thinks the two are connected.

Not true that that's the reason Im not going. I can't go because of work. I'm just annoyed about her remarks but I would have gone regardless.

Which bit?

That you only checked and ‘realised’ you couldn’t attend after she annoyed you?

That you said you’d attend and have now cancelled?

That you want her to reply instantly so you don’t have any more negative feelings about it?

Sure doesn’t look like that from the outside.

I believe you but she is going to think about it and either a: no duty eg bridemaid b: hen party comment.

She doesnt sound very nice. I would try not to be overly concerned

When is the wedding? If she has had the hen do then it must be very close. If that's the case and you have let her down last minute YABU.

If however it is a year away and you have only had a save the date not a proper invite YANBU.

When is the wedding? I'm assuming you have already accepted the invitation and as the hen do has taken place the wedding date is imminent.

If that's the case then it really is bad form to suddenly be checking your calendar and announcing you now can't go. No wonder she's pissed off at you and not replying.

I can see why she's upset. Firstly you accepted then declined, secondly you declined after the uncomfortable discussion at the hen do.

You've no idea what the time line was or when the invitations were sent. I never told her I was going. I just assumed I was going. When I received the invitation last week I checked my work training schedule and realised that I had this on. I asked my manager and she said that it's mandatory. I took the hint not to push for it off. The hen was a month ago.

That’s very weird for her to have the hen before the invites are even out. Invites usually go out about a year before the wedding and the hen is usually only a month or two out.

If you’ve just received the invite then it’s obviously fine to have declined as your initial RSVP. Did she not send Save the Dates? Did you not discuss the date before the hen?

It’s all very unusually ordered.

How did you word the decline?

That’s fine we can all decline wedding invites we have many times. Don’t get into the ins and outs. Just send a nice card saying sorry can’t make it. Then send a card and thoughtful gift just before the wedding day.

You had no idea of the date of the wedding before the hen do of someone you describe as a close friend?