Moving into a refuge tomorrow, help me make a list

[YesIveNamechanged80]

Myself and my child are moving to a refuge over 130 miles away tomorrow, I’m in a flap because it’s all so overwhelming.
Im hoping to drive there if I can get help with petrol.
Pets are being fostered, I’m breaking my heart over missing them already and we’ve not gone yet.
Im trying to make a list of things to take and my brain has gone to mush.
Clothes - how much?
Basic toiletries
Chargers and laptop
Medication
Passports and documents

I literally can’t think, do I need bedding, towels, and what do I do about food, I literally did a big food shop on Saturday and I can’t afford to replace it. I can no longer work being so far away so my life has literally turned upside down. I will just have universal credit.
What do I do about bills for home? My source of income has just vanished so what about things like my utility bills, my car finance etc. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to return to my job because I might be too far from it when I get rehoused.
Can I get help with fuel?
We have a little cottage booked next month, will I need to cancel it?

Please help

Thank you

It's 13 years since I was in a refuge so I might be a bit out of the loop but I'll try to help!

When you get there, they will help you with all your life admin stuff, so don't worry about bills etc right now.

Take what food shopping you can because you'll have a fridge and so on to keep it in.

Clothes- what you think will fit into a couple of chests of drawers.

Bedding will be provided. Take some towels.

You can still go on holiday, but they'll want to be sure that you're going to be safe there.

Honestly, don't worry. The staff are all very very good at what they do and the freedom, the sheer relief, will be just amazing.

All the best! Please PM me if you want to. X

Just adding, I turned up with literally the dress I was wearing, a bag of toiletries and crisps a woman volunteer in the hospital had sorted for me, and nothing else. Everything was still completely fine!

Just a post to give a bit of moral support and to say you’ve got this.
Remember to change passwords on your email accounts and banking if they are known by your partner.
Make sure you have any tracking apps deleted eg 360 and make sure your child does too - snap chat location needs to be turned off.
If your child has a favourite toy or snuggle blanket take that.

Woman’s Aid website has a list of what to take when leaving (not specifically to a refuge), including important documents like birth certs, prescription medication.
Have you got a safe leaving plan? Hope all goes well and for the future OP

You ladies are so brave and im full of admiration. I’m lucky never to have experienced DV but wish you all the best, you sound like you are doing an amazing job getting the pets sorted etc. I asked chatgbt about help with fuel, Some options include:

• Emergency support payments – Many domestic abuse services can access emergency funds to pay for essential travel, including petrol, taxis or other transport needed to reach safety. They may also help with food and temporary accommodation costs.
• Rail to Refuge – If travelling by train to a confirmed refuge, free rail travel is available through the Rail to Refuge scheme. The refuge or domestic abuse service arranges the ticket.
• Refuges and local charities – Organisations such as Refuge can help people access emergency grants, arrange safe transport, and find accommodation.
• Local authority welfare assistance – Some councils have emergency welfare funds that can help with travel or other immediate costs when someone is fleeing abuse.

If the person you’re asking about is in England, they can contact the National Domestic Abuse Helpline (tel:0808%202000%20247 0808 2000 247) or use the live webchat through Refuge. They can often arrange practical help very quickly if someone needs to leave.

Glasses and spare glasses. Contact lenses.

Prescription meds.

Birth certificates, passport, driving license, insurance docs. Pension information. Wage slips. Benefits info.

Old photos (as in physical photos you don’t have a back up of).

Precious items like baby’s first shoes etc.

Any cash you have. Any valuable items eg expensive jewellery.

Phone and laptop chargers.

Are you sure there is no tracker in your car?

Have you asked your employer to temporarily keep your job open? Might be worth doing.

Op what you need to think about firstly is what is actually practical for you to get out with. For example if you pack a bag will that be noticed and make you unsafe as opposed to a small gathering of important documents like your passport/ driving licence, kids birth certs etc.

If you need to pack a bag perhaps leaving it at a friend's house in advance could be an option if you can do that safely.

There is nothing but yourself and any kids you might have that cannot be replaced if it comes to it so getting yourself out safely is most important apart from necessary medication.

Does your ex know about the cottage?

Thanks so much, I’m writing it all down. My head just isn’t working today so this is amazing.
I will get the locations turned off on devices, no tracker in my car, I got it after he went to prison, he’s been released so he’s never seen it. Spoken to employer, they are getting HR advice so waiting on that bit. I’ll take jewellery, documents, my ex doesn’t know about the cottage no. I’m 2 hours from it now but will be 6 hours when I move! I might see if I can change the dates through holiday insurance. Only a might, just want ti be in the headspace to enjoy it as I’ve saved for a year for it.
Apparently my refuge space is self contained.
What on earth do I do about my child’s education? I have no idea how long I will be away.

I was a child when me and my mum went to womens aid lived in wales went to womens aid in scotland , we went with the clothes we had on my mum had everyday clothes and I had a school uniform.
From What I can remember they were amazing and helped with everything , from moving into the refuge , to eventually getting us settled into out own home, I still support womens aid to this day , they saved out lives i know its a scary time for both you and your child but it will be ok , I wish you all the happiness you deserve the most important thing is you make yourself safe , everything else will work out X

Oh I could cry at the kindness, I feel so overwhelmed but thank all of you so so much. Tomorrow is the first day of our new start, told my child it’s a holiday. Hopefully it won’t take long to get settled into a new home. I’ll know then I’ve made it. ❤️

Your child's favourite soft toy, doll, book, toy car.
I see if a friend will keep some of your other items, photos, winter clothes in their loft.

Make sure he doesn't spot you packing, number 1! And yes, documents, passports, sentimental items, and the most important basics.

Keep in mind that you may not have access to these things again so take the things that are most important to you.

Keep in mind that he will probably pester you for ages afterwards so avoid taking any shared items or anything you have doubts over. He will just use these items to keep up contact/ leverage. Unless expensive, I would cut your losses with those things.

Refuges are great for supplying the basic essentials and will help get you set up. Also, check in with a doctor, don't be slow to go on anti anxieties for awhile if needed. There could be a bit of adrenaline running through you for awhile. Ask about childcare while at the refuge also, they may provide free childcare/support.

You've done the most important step already. And that's deciding to leave. A huge well done. Stay confident, don't doubt yourself and focus on you and your childs needs and not your ex 'i need, I want' etc. your ex is a big boy and can well look after himself, trust me!

Best wishes for the next chapter of your life.

Do it room by room, obviously depending on what space you have in the car.

Work on the assumption that you may not come back for a long time, just in case.

Bathroom: your special toiletries and make up. Medicines. Don't bother taking things like cheap shampoo and soap, because you can buy fresh as needed: the space in your car may be better used for other things.

Child's bedroom: clothes, but not ones they are growing out of or will have grown out of come Autumn/Winter. Favourite books and toys. If they have a favourite duvet cover take that.

Your bedroom: your more expensive clothes, and a few cheap clothes. You can get more of cheap things like leggings and t-shirts. Check: Top half: tees, tops, jacket or coat, warm hoodie or jumper, Bottom half: skirts, jeans, leggings, Other: underwear, socks, footwear, nightwear.

Sitting room: electronics and chargers (phone, laptop, whatever tech you have, maybe the TV if it is expensive?) Any favourite items for hobbies or sports. A favourite throw or cushion. Any favourite ornaments. Photos.

Kitchen: any favourite small tools or small bits of equipment that you love. e.g. I have the perfect can opener and potato peeler, and I would not want to have to replace them.

When I was in my one, any children went to the closest school.

I commented as if it was just your home, but it is different if it is his home too. That also affects the likelihood of you ever coming back.

A @TeaBiscuitsNaptime said, if you used to share this home with him, don't take any big item that might be his, or half-his. Only take what is definitely yours or your child's.
So if he is coming back there, don't take the TV. Take small things that he won't care about like a cushion, kitchen implements, and ornaments that you bought.

If you might never come back, prioritise expensive or irreplaceable things (tech, photos) over cheap replaceable things (cheap clothes, most kids toys and books).

Great advice on here. Wishing you and your child the very best future

Best wishes for tomorrow and massive good luck!

Good luck. I hope it all goes smoothly.

You've had some great advice here. I'm the manager of a refuge in London and we make up all of our rooms with the following:

• Brand new bedding - duvets, duvet cover, sheets, pillows etc.
• Towels
• toiletries
• a welcome food package - just the essentials so you can make a basic meal when you arrive
• brand new pots and pans, crockery and cutlery
• basic cleaning supplies

If your room is self-contained, you should have your own kitchen and fridge, so if you can take the food with you that you bought on Saturday, then you will be have somewhere to store it. Bear in mind parking though - depending on where you're going, sometimes the refuge will be in a controlled parking zone where you might need a permit or have to pay for parking.

You'll have a support worker in the refuge who should help you with registering with the GP, sorting out your benefits (you'll get housing benefit for the rent and you're entitled to continue to claim your housing costs from UC for up to a year while you consider whether it's safe for you to return or not), and registering your child for a school place. As it's so close to the end of term, it's most likely they won't have a place till September, but it'll be fun for them to start their summer holidays early.

You are entitled to request up to a year's extended leave of absence from your work, during which you would not be paid or accrue any benefit entitlement. Hopefully your support worker at the refuge can help you draft a letter to send to them to request this. However if your ex-partner knows the location of your work it may not be safe for you to return.

Wishing you so much luck; you are taking a very courageous step and I hope everything works out for you.

(If you have any other questions, feel free to message me.)

Hi - so I've worked for a domestic abuse charity in a women's refuge.

Clothes - The one I was in had a washing machine so I would say something like a week of clothes would be great and you should be able to wash as you go.

Bedding/towels - they will find some of needed but you may appreciate having your own if you are able to take it.

Food - I would take it with you (use a cool bag for fridge stuff if you can) and if your cupboard/storage isn't big enough I'm sure other women will be grateful for it and at least it won't go to waste.

Bills - I would ask when you get there - they will be able to advise and help you make a list to contact.

Fuel - I know there is a system to get free train tickets but not sure about fuel.

Cottage - you may be able to go, if it's just a week they'll likely just ask you to let them know dates/address so long as it's not too close to where you are from.

Schooling - staff will help you apply to a local school when you get there, it may be for Sept now but they will do their best.

All the best to you! Well done for taking this brave step x

@YesIveNamechanged80 just to say there will be a school close to the refuge that will be used to children joining basically as an emergency. The refuge will help you sort it, it's end of term anyway so will depend where you are in Sept.