I'm being ridiculous aren't I?

[ScrubbingtheCarpets]

Changed my username but been here for ever.

Not really very sure how to start this thread off, but anyway here goes.

My friendship circle is long established (well over 15 years) and we've been through so much together - all the major life events, fun times and when the shit hits the fan.

Unquestionably, I love these women (and their families) and would drop everything to help (and have definitely done that)

One person has been unwell on and off over the last six months, and along with another person, we've done loads to help out, we've taken her kids to school, done the food shop so her husband can focus on her and the kids, taken her to appointments, listened, advised - all done with no expectation and done out of love.

At the minute she is in hospital, following an admission on Monday and I've found out quite by chance. She isn't aware I know, and I've not said anything to anyone, including her. I just assumed that if she'd wanted us to know she'd have said. We've been messaging as we normally would, there's been no mention of it, so I assumed she wants to keep this op private. All fine

I know her medical issues are none of my business and she can tell who she she likes what she likes, however everyone else in the group knows she's in the hospital, and everyone has been told not to tell anyone else ( all our husbands have a hugely outing hobby and were talking about it yesterday).

So here's where I'm being a twat... I'm the one she always asks first for help, I'm the one she calls to get me to book our kids onto things, I'm the one who has sorted out several crises over the years, but I'm the only one she hasn't told that she's in the hospital. She's rung everyone, spoken to them all about it, told everyone not to tell anyone else, but me and DH are the only ones who "doesn't know".

My DH is really pissed off with her, he's known her since they were in juniors, I'm just hurt that after all these years of being her "super big sis/big bro Ben" she's made it really fucking obvious that she doesn't want me us know.

I'm torn between asking her what's the problem here or just not bothering with her until she asks what's up ( which is a bit childish).

Why would you deliberately not tell your supposed best friend that you're in the hospital? but tell everyone else?

(I sound like I'm five....)

I would be very worried that it was serious and she wasn’t able to tell you yet.

This.

I understand your hurt. Not bet behaviour seems odd all round, telling the others to keep it secret. Is she usually like this?

I was in hospital for a while last year and I found it difficult to see my friends....not sure why, although the treatment was fairly hard. I put most of them off. I sort of closed down.
I have no idea why she doesn't want you to know, perhaps it's a similar thing and as you are closest to her may be a factor. All I can say is being in hospital does make you feel in ways different and irrational.

It’s a very odd situation with her telling everyone and then telling them not to tell anyone they know.

Is she prone to drama?

i would be backing the fuck off and waiting for her to contact me, and then being mostly unavailable unless i really wanted to help

It isn't serious, but I definitely would understand if that was the case.

(Gynae issues)

It’s very strange. I don’t get why she’s busy ringing everyone to tell them then instructing them not to tell anyone else! Is it something particularly serious?

edit I see you say it isn’t serious. She seems a little drama queen-ish

Maybe she thinks she's already told you?

She sounds HUGELY dramatic

Is it possible that as she usually asks for help first that she feels she’s taken advantage a bit and is asking someone else instead? Or not telling you so you don’t feel you have to offer?

I suspect they’ve found out by chance because they’ve offered to do somethingi which isn’t necessary while she’s in hospital for eg.

its also much easier to give bald details to people you care less about than to those who you’re really close to and whose pain / worry can feel like a burden, requiring energy you just don’t have to reassure them. Even if that’s not actually true.

She can be dramatic - but it's the fact of her telling everyone not to say anything, and not saying anything at all about it to me more than anything that stings

The ‘don’t tell anyone else’ worked well with the husbands then…

It could be that it is serious and she has no idea how to tell you but why tell everyone else?

I’d feel hurt at being excluded too but would keep that to myself until she chooses to speak with you.

I’d be hurt as well, and feel used. Being generous, maybe she thinks you know already, but you say she hasn’t referred to it in her usual communication. Not even a ‘op went well’ , or ‘coming out on Sunday’ type comment. Maybe she’s wondering why you haven’t asked after her (thinking you already know).

Not sure what the way forward would be, apart from to be less available, unless it was all a case of miscommunication.

Oh I mean our husbands are the worst gossips. We don't tell them stuff usually 😊

Her husband told my husband, my husband said, "what are you on about" so my DH knows everything.

Her husband was very surprised that we didn't know.

She's asked each of them not to say anything, but they've all told their spouses who've all told their hobby group 😲
That worked out well as @adragoncalledaudrey said.
It is strange that you've been left out of it, have you talked to any of the other people in your friend circle?
I'd be stumped and unhappy to have been excluded.

Well.....there you are. She and her H thought you already knew!

Jeez. The drama 😳

I think you need to wait a little, have faith in your friend and wait to let her share what's going on.
It could be as simple as her husband was delegated to tell you but didn't, it could be fear, a new diagnosis, anything. She might feel she has overburdened you. Give her some grace

It seems much more likely to be an oversight than a deliberate snub. The woman is ill. She doesn’t want the news on social media. She missed contacting one person.

If her husband was surprised you didn’t know, it is unlikely to be intentional.

I'm not going to throw my toys out the pram, and I will let her tell me in her own time, but I am bloody confused by the drama 😐

Ok so if you are sure this isnt actually something serious then frankly, I'd be backing off a bit at this point.

I've had a hysterectomy fairly recently and havent made a huge drama out of it by telling certain people and asking them not to tell others and all that bollocks.

You've gone above and beyond for this person who even you admit loves drama and now she's snubbed you in a massive way.

Back off a bit and take some space for yourself- this doesnt mean you have to be unkind to her, or drop her completely, but I certainly wouldnt be running around after her like Florence nightingale as you have been!

She probably thinks that you already know.

Honestly when I have been in hospital keeping track of who I have told and who I have not was well beyond me I just told everyone who rang or texted.

it wouldn’t occur to me to tell them not to tell others.

I'd text her. If her husband tells her that he's told you all then its going to look really odd if you pretend not to know.

Text her "I just heard from Bob that you're in hospital - so sorry to hear that. I hope you're feeling ok and healing well" and see what she comes back with (dont offer to do anything - just best wishes etc) Her reply will be very revealing.

This.

If her husband is the one doing the talking then it has opened the door for you to contact her. It would indeed be a little odd if you didn’t.

The above text suggestion is perfect.