Starting over at nearly 40 and struggling after leaving abusive ex (please be kind)

[Fedupcreative86]

Hi everyone, just looking for advice and reassurance. A little long as I find writing carthatic, so I'll try to break it down.

I left my ex of nearly 8 years last year and moved to Liverpool from my backwards home town (I had a thread on here about that but it seems to have gone- he turned out to be more than twice my age and I only found out after I got hold of his passport (he refused to let me look at it when we were coming home from Spain). Anyway, I ended the relationship, he went mental and began stalking and threatening me, and I got to Liverpool with the help of WA, the police and a mate I had there. I had been wanting to move there for a while, but this is not how I imagined it would happen- I was planning to get a job and flat lined up and just go.

Anyway, a year on and I feel like a complete failure and like I've made a huge mistake. My ex would always say I'd regret leaving him and said I woukdnt last five minutes in a new city, and I fear he's right: I have no job (had to leave my job when i left), no permanent housing (living in temp accommodation- shared house with 3 other women, not so bad) and no relationship.

Housing wise, because of his behaviour I've been awarded band A for social housing here (which i feel huge guilt about), but I've been unsuccessful on every flat I've bid on so far, and I'm terrified I'll end up in an area I don't want/know. Currently I'm in a shared temp accommodation house- lovely house and the women i live with are kind, but unless a miracle happens i'm here for now. Job wise, my confidence is shot- job searching hasn't been going well and I only worked in retail before I came here even though i have A-levels and am quite bright. I want to train for something better or try an apprenticeship. My dream would be something to do with music, and I know there is a place over the water that does courses etc, but I've lost all motivation and feel there's nothing out there, even though I now live in a city with much more opportunity. Relationship/dating wise, I've put on a lot of weight (5ft 4 and a size 16/about 14 stone)- the kind of man I want and fancy wouldn't want me (I truly settled got my ex and have settled for previous partners as well). There is a man here I fancy but he's 5 years younger than me and successful in a creative and very "public" role- why would he want an overweight woman with nothing when he could easily have one of these tall, thin, arty girls I see everywhere here?

I feel my life is over and won't get better at my age and that my ex was right. I'll never move back home and want to try and make a go of it here because I wanted to come here for so long, but my mind is just in overdrive with worry about the future all the time....if I even have a future that is. I live in this wonderful, friendly, vibrant city and I can't enjoy it because my head feels f**d. Also, other people my age (and even 10 years younger!) have it all together- own their homes, car, good jobs and career future and happy/settled relationship. I have nothing and no hope of ever owning my own home or building a good career.

Sorry, I don't want/not looking for pity, its just I have no one IRL to talk to and feel that my life can't possibly get better pushing 40. I've competely f**d my life up 😞

I think you need to split all of this up into separate issues and deal with them one at a time. Too overwhelming all at once.

Getting your housing sorted first will give you a base, you'll be happier, more confident and more settled, & you have your award. I'd focus on that for now. Make that your priority.

Once you are in a permanent home, then job or education will follow naturally. You can look at local colleges and employers.

And don't worry about what other people think. I can absolutely guarantee they aren't thinking about you. As for your ex, well done for getting away. Good luck xx

Yes you're right- the housing is my no1 concern atm. I just have this mad tendancy to try to sort everything at once because I feel I'm running out of time.

Thank you x

Sorry op. You sound like you're having a hard time. I just wanted to say don't feel guilty about needing social housing. It's there for a reason and that reason at the moment is you.

Nobody has it all together. I think this too, but then I speak to people I thought had a perfect life and they have their own struggles and troubles. Try not to compare yourself to others because it will only make you feel worse.

I feel like you would benefit from someone to talk to, are there any subsidised therapists in your area? Eg there is somewhere near me that caps their prices and can even negotiate down if you have a low income. Have a look online maybe.

You sound creative and are articulate, don't put yourself down and think why would anyone want you! I think that too about my dh (why would he want me), I think it's normal, but you sound like you maybe need to work on your self esteem a little bit.

You've been through a horrible ordeal. It's fine and healthy to hunker down for a bit, take a breather, and do some work on yourself. Don't forget hobbies (maybe do something with music - join a choir?) and make time to relax.

Best of luck.

You’ve got nothing to feel guilty about (your housing band) you’ve been assessed as needing to be in that band. Hopefully it won’t be a long wait for you. I’d personally focus on the housing first, then think about studying after. You’re only 40, it’s really nothing. Lots of people start again in their 40’s and beyond.

Just wanted to add the job market is unfortunately crap for everyone. Make a claim for UC if you haven't already so you have some money in the meantime.

Well done on getting away. I think @Meadowfinch advice is spot on. Break it down into projects. Spend some time on your own rather than jumping into another relationship. You’re in a city now with loads of opportunities. Apply for the course and see what happens…