Through my work in mental health, I’ve seen how this kind of parental mindset can have lasting consequences for some children.
Many grow into adults with a chronic sense that they’re never doing well enough, despite being objectively successful by most measures. It can manifest as poor self-esteem, depression, anxiety, eating disorders and relentless perfectionism. They can spend their lives feeling as though they’re constantly performing, always chasing the next achievement without ever feeling like they’ve arrived.
I recognise that my perspective is shaped by the fact that I work with people where this approach hasn’t gone well. Even so, I’m often struck by how many people I meet who have objectively successful lives on paper still carry a deep sense that they are never quite enough.
The issue isn’t excellence or ambition. I think children benefit from high expectations when paired with unconditional acceptance and the knowledge that their worth isn’t dependent on their achievements. Problems arise when achievement becomes the primary measure of their self worth. Over time their identity can become tied to their output, status, or who they know, rather than to who they are inside.
To be clear, I don’t think this is about private schools being inherently good or bad. In general, I think many private schools provide an excellent education. I had both state and private education myself and my experience of private education was very positive. The smaller class sizes, fewer classroom disruptions, and greater resources created a better learning environment for me. They can also broaden a child’s sense of what’s possible, and parents often have more influence in advocating for the support their child needs.
My point isn’t about private education itself. It’s about a particular parental mindset, where the focus from the age of four or five is on securing a place at the most selective, prestigious schools, rather than simply choosing the school that is the best fit for the individual child. Those are different motivations that can create very different pressures for children.
It’s worth considering what it means to grow up in an environment where the level of competition is so intense from such a young age. Even if a child is simply told to ‘do your best’ they’re still comparing themselves with a peer group where expectations and standards are exceptionally high. Whether intentionally or not, that environment sets the bar remarkably high and can shape how children come to measure their own worth.
I’d also add that sending your children to elite private schools doesn’t guarantee the networks that many parents hope for. Those networks exist, but they’re often longstanding, intergenerational, and less accessible than people assume. Simply attending the school doesn’t automatically make someone part of them. A child may leave with confidence, polish, good manners and the cultural capital that comes from those environments, but not necessarily with the influential network parents imagined they were buying into.