Had enough of DC asking for more more more

[Hippymum89]

NC as don’t want identifying and post regularly.
I just broke down in front of my two younger DC (10 & 12) this evening as they, mainly the 12 yo but now the 10 yo is starting, CONTANTLY asking for something new.
With DD (10) it’s a new pet.
DS (12) it’s a new bike (he has a brilliant fancy bike he got for Xmas/bitthday. And a trampoline scooter.

Im a LP and earn fuck all (it’s not FA but feels it), I have no way of increasing my income for the next 12 months due to caring commitments.
Recently had a load of unexpected expenses which have pushed me into some debt which is manageable but extremely tight.

DS has started a new school with a lot of well off kids, idk if he’s trying to keep up with them or it’s just him, he’s always wanted the next thing ever since being a toddler.

Things are complicated with their DF, I won’t go into it as it’s too complex but he can’t/ won’t spend money he doesn’t want to. He’s tight basically.

anyway I just had enough tonight and started to cry. It really shocked them and they both were sorry and tried to comfort me. I’ll apologise in the morning but am too upset now. I just feel like I try so hard to make things nice for them and it’s never enough.
I worked extra shifts to pay for school residential, sell and buy on vinted so they never go without.

I do ALL the renovation on the house myself, including hiring concrete breakers and moving literally tons of concrete to make the garden nice and built a log cabin for them to have friends over.

Just wanted to have a moan really, no one in real life I would share this with. They’re great kids really, I just hate this instant gratification world we live in now!

I have a younger child and I am setting very strict boundaries now about expectations. If you have always worked more to get what they wanted then they haven’t understood the meaning of ‘No, we can’t afford that’. It’s painful but you need to start implementing this now so that they learn they cannot have whatever they want.

I’m sorry but why the fuck are you moving tons of concrete to make a garden cabin for them?? What is wrong with their bedrooms??

Do you say no? We have 4 children, grown up now, but we were perfectly happy to say no, we cannot afford it. They were very respectful growing up and hugely grateful when they did get things.

Despite what people here will say, it is absolutely fine (and helpful) for your tweens to see what the pressure of having to provide the best and newest thing does to you. In future you can be more muscular and less explanatory about why you can’t do it. Dont be ashamed or embarrassed. Kids will push it as far as they can. What they really need is love and listening, not stuff.

You need to be firmer with your No. Equally getting everything they want isn't a path to happiness. Your doing a brilliant job and I'm sure in time they will appreciate it.

Don’t feel bad for showing them a bit of reality! Kids need to learn, and sometimes they need a hard lesson. Also they need to learn the importance of family, values and life over things. You’re doing great! They’ll thank you for it.

Also, many people will not understand the separated parent dynamic. It is very different if you are a 2.4 family, and both singing from the same hymn sheet.

10 and 12 year olds will start to sense the family economic dynamics dor sure. Mum provides, dad has to be persuaded and it is hard to do so. Stepping out of that can be tricky as you might feel your “selling point” is under threat with them.

All I can say is, they need you for more than your material shizzle, and it is totally fine to say no. Dont run yourself into the ground any more than you already are.

I do say no, a lot. It’s just like they don’t hear it.
Im honestly not soft with them, they’d never be rude or anything to me, they just seem to think money grows on trees and DS in particular gets fixated on things. I’ve always made do, and they are used to that, don’t mind about second hand uniforms etc, it’s very recent this constant chatter about buying this or that.

They have bedrooms but are quite small, the cabin is simple and really lovely actually, I enjoyed building it and they helped a bit too.

I do just need to cheerfully say “No! Can’t afford that” and move on, I know this. I think the massive bills recently just tipped me over the edge and I’m a bit -very- stressed about it

I really appreciate your kind words by the way, I’m glad I posted. Thank you

They will learn and understand, you’ve just got to keep holding your ground. Most kids want, want, want. Most adults do too to be fair, we just understand the finances.

Do they get pocket money? Could you start that or switch up for you do it so they have to save for their own stuff? Do they do chores at home?

Say yes, that there's nothing preventing them saving their pocket money to buy whatever they want.
If they whinge, say that's their problem to figure out and not to whine at you again.

Yes, I give them £3 a week each and for that they do whatever chores I ask (I find that easier than specifics). DD is a bit of a spender and DS has saved loads but also happy to spend his money, he just wants contributions form me (and the things he wants are crazy expensive! He and his friend down the road are obsessed with bikes and are both coveting a £1.4K bike on eBay!) what the heck? He seriously sees that as a possibility, wants to sell his nice bike for &500+ and have us pay the rest. I think it’s obscene to spend that at any age, never mind 12/13. Am I completely out of touch?

Children often try to push for just a bit more than you can give. I just smile and say you can have what we can afford. If they tell me a child has just been given something very expensive, I say that's nice for them I hope they look after it. It doesn't hurt children if you say you can't afford something. I also say when you grow up if you become rich you will be able to buy what you want. Work hard at school.

Why are you going to apologise? What happened to a simple NO

You are doing the right thing, it just doesn’t become apparent for a long time. I found I preferred to say ‘that’s not in my budget’ sometimes rather than that I couldn’t afford it. Because then it’s not about, well when can you afford it then Mum, it’s more a message that Mum isn’t planning on buying it for you full stop. But it changes the whinge/no/whinge/no pattern a bit.

Keep going strong, you are doing great and your kids are ‘normal’ for their development, you are not raising greedy monsters even if it feels like that sometimes!

I'd slightly up the pocket money if possible - 0.5 x age per week is what we did - so they know as they get older its more.

After 11 we put it monthly into a bank account that they had a card for. It makes money real to them and they learned to budget (for Mr Spendy it took time but it was very valuable)

When they say they want X - go, okay I'll put it on the birthday/christmas list and write it down. Keep writing it down so they can see the whole list of what they are asking for - and then they can choose what is within budget.

Make your budget clear - birthday present = £, christmas = £ Stick with it.

Make it clear where the edges are.

In a few years the 12 year old will be able to earn their own money.

Wanting stuff is normal. This generation are more marketed to than any generation before - they are consumers from preschool so it's harder for parents than when it was just Mr Frosty on Saturday cartoon adverts (and boy did I want Mr Frosty)

Not getting stuff is also normal - I'm fairly sure you don't get everything you want and I know I don't. Make it clear that this is something everyone has to cope with.

Don't feel bad, and you've got nothing to apologise for. You breaking down into tears in front of them hopefully have them the cold hard shock they needed to understand that they can't just have everything they want. Hopefully they'll be more understanding now if you say you can't afford something

I am unsure why our kids are the way they are but they have grown up with privilege and general hasn’t asked us for a lot of material things ……. They know some of their friends have more and some have less but they have generally been happy with their lot

I think this will have helped them to realise the consequences of their actions on others. I have similar but different situation, ND kids who get fixated on things and when we finally resolve something the next thing starts immediately, no break at all. I have cried several times, it's overwhelming.

One thought I had for your situation, do you involve your DC in deciding priorities? We had little money when we were young and my parents prioritised holidays when me and dsis would rather have been able to buy the same clothes and trainers as our friends to feel like we fit in more. You mention spending time and money on the garden as though it was for them, is it really what they would have chosen? Obviously fine if you are doing it for yourself but don't expect them to be greatful.

Kids are being marketed to all the time and at 12 I doubt your child understands just how much £1.4k is and how long it takes to earn and save. I have very open conversations about money, what the priorities are and how if we buy x we can’t also buy y. I’m doing a lot of work to the house and negotiated that we can either buy new carpet and furniture for their playroom/tv room (much needed) or we can go on holiday. They both chose sorting their tv room. Involving them has put the brakes on unreasonable requests, they have a decent allowance they can spend and/or save but once it’s done it’s done.

You're right to say “no” to extremes, no one can afford everything all at once and it’s an important lesson for them to learn heading into the teen years.

They had friends round this afternoon and it was great watching them all playing in the garden. DS has bought himself a trampoline scooter with his own money so is looking forward to that arriving. I’ll see about increasing the pocket money, maybe up the chores a bit so I feel like I’m getting something back!
They both have rooster accounts so can see their money. They’ve been good today, we’ve been out for a bike ride and dog walk, then met a friend at the beach and went rockpooling and played cricket. Very low spend!

They're old enough to know that mum works hard to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. Show them a simple breakdown of the family budget so they can see ALL the bills that need to be paid. Make it clear that extras need to be saved up for. You sound like a great mum - showing them a bit of reality won't do them any harm. And if they've saved for their own things, they'll appreciate them much more.

In the last 10 years all my cars have cost less than 1.4k

Children do not necessarily understand how money functions

High value bikes, should also be insured seperately on your home contents insurance

It sounds like you are doing your best

Nobody gets everything

It is OK to day NO !

Mine were like this. What changed it was giving them pocket money and then, when they asked for XYZ, telling them to save it and buy it. Suddenly they wanted very little.

I say yes to my 11 year old ridiculous demands. "Yes, you can definitely get that, how do you want to save for it?" interest usually wanes in about 3 days.