Partner’s secret debt - how do I move past this?

[Or003]

Partner and I have been together since late teens and now early 30s. On the whole great relationship.

Two years ago I found out he’d got himself into over £20k of debt. He had nothing to show for it apart from expensive jewellery/clothes/aftershave. I’d say most of the total owed ended up being interest. We both earn comfortable amounts, there was never any need for the debt.

I found this out by accident and it rocked my world, I really did consider leaving him. But we have kids. Kids I just can’t put through a break up. I stayed and I made a promise to myself that I need to truly forgive him as otherwise it’d be unfair on him.

He’s now half way through paying back his debts. He has took up a hobby he’s very good at that is now how he pays for the repayments as well as his full time job. It’s great that he can do that but this hobby takes up 3 nights/days a week where he goes and enjoys his time with his friends and I have to solo parent tired kids, and the kids miss out on rare family time. We rent a house that is now so run down, we were due to buy but of course now can’t as he can’t save or be accepted for a mortgage.

I get so depressed thinking about all this money that could be put into our family is going on paying back this debt. I get so depressed living in a house we’ve grown out of. He’s always known how desperately to want to own my own home. I’ve saved and worked so hard, all for nothing. I get so down and become so moody with him which I think is unfair as ultimately I decided to stay. What do I do? How do I get over this?

It’s ok to not get over it
he spent £20,000 on stuff and he wasn’t worried about his kids then
and now a time consuming hobby
he’s selfish and horrible

I couldn’t

What a sneak he is and clearly VERY adept liar

he didn’t even spend it on you or family. Just stiff for himself. So selfish to boot.

Please say you don’t have children together? Oh shit you do

think what that money could have one for your children?? I would be furious

And why didn’t he tell you? He lied and concealed this
you don’t have to stay
you’ll be fine on your own and have your own place!
I couldn’t imagine keeping such a big secret from my husband and i wouldn’t

He was selfish then and he's selfish now. He spent all that money on himself - that's really shocking.

I'd separate, OP. I wouldn't be convinced he wouldn't be tempted into borrowing again. You deserve a much better life than this.

Why isn't the fact that you have children in your opening paragraph??

I mean, it changes everything?

Does it?

It would be the end for me either way

What a sneaky selfish liar

For me before we got into a proper relationship we discussed what we exp3cted and what we wouldn’t tolerate, my non negotiable standards are lying, cheating and debt.

id be gone if any of these things happened.

If you both earn well, why did he not just buy these luxury items outright?

I don't see how you can stay with him much longer since the two of you have different goals.

Whether or not you stay, you absolutely must never link your finances to his. So if you buy a house, you must buy it in solely your own name because clearly you can't trust him with money and probably, if he were on the mortgage, you'd end up losing the house, all the money you'd spent on deposit/mortgage and your own credit rating will be in tatters.

At this point, I would feel very resentful about paying rent & household costs, supporting him whilst he pays off his debt. He has been living off you for several years now: first when he was racking up his debt and now when he's repaying it. And since he's spending v little time as part of your family, I'd struggle to see him as a positive factor. In MN speak, he is a cock-lodger of the highest rank - this is a whole new level compared to the average waste of space partner. He is a consummate CF.

Even after he's paid off his debt, if he's going to contribute to buying a house, he'll need to continue his paid hobby which means you won't see him any more frequently. (Having read too much MN, I wonder whether he'll meet a new lady through his hobby and then start living The Script in earnest)

And whilst marriage is usually a good idea for people who have children together, I think that, in this case, you are very lucky that you are not married to this man.

This does his hobby pay back the loan? If it isn’t like poker or betting/gambling then surely it’s working rather than a hobby? Then it’s harder to judge if he’s bailing on family time for a hobby vs him trying to earn more to pay off the debt. Ideally you’d have equal time for hobbies and relaxing but hard to judge that as well if his hobby is earning money.

agree tho we need more info on how he got into the debt if he earns well and it’s mostly the interest he’s now paying back.

plus it’s the lying and deceit as much as the spending you need to dig into.

if he just likes spending then maybe you’re not compatable.