Domestic abuse referral involving autistic teenage daughter - looking for advice

[justlost1]

I'm looking for advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

My daughter is just about to turn 17. She is autistic and has significant mental health difficulties. She has a history of self-harm, alcohol misuse and emotional dysregulation and is under mental health services.

Over the last couple of years her behaviour towards me has become increasingly abusive. This includes shouting, intimidation, insults, refusing to let me speak, making unreasonable demands, and expecting me to meet all of her needs while treating me with hostility. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells. My own wellbeing has deteriorated significantly.

Her social worker became concerned enough about what was happening that they made a domestic abuse referral for me. However, when discussing it, they also said they didn't want my daughter to know about the referral because they didn't want her to feel blamed.

To make things even harder, my daughter has now decided she wants nothing to do with me and has stopped speaking to me completely. She says I am responsible for all of her mental health problems. I find that incredibly painful because, for years, I have fought to get her the help she needs. I've spent countless hours advocating for her with CAMHS, GPs, schools and other services, attended appointments, managed crises, supported her through hospital visits, and turned my own life upside down trying to keep her safe and access the right support. Yet I now find myself being blamed for everything.

What I also struggle with is that she is nearly 17 and is is smoking, drinking alcohol and has a boyfriend. She has already taken the morning after pill because of unprotected sex with him. She is considered old enough to make those decisions herself, yet when it comes to the way she treats me, the emphasis seems to be on not holding her accountable because professionals don't want her to feel blamed. I find that very difficult to reconcile.

Yet when it comes to her behaviour towards me, the emphasis seems to be on not holding her accountable because professionals don't want her to feel blamed. I find that very difficult to reconcile.

I'm really struggling with this. I completely understand that autism and mental health can contribute to behaviour. At the same time, I feel as though the focus is entirely on protecting her feelings while my experience of being abused is almost secondary.

I know my daughter is vulnerable and struggling. But I also don't think being vulnerable should mean that abusive behaviour towards a parent simply has to be endured.

Has anyone experienced something similar? How did professionals balance compassion for your child with recognising the impact on you? Is it normal for domestic abuse referrals involving children or teenagers to be handled this way?
I'm feeling very alone and would really appreciate hearing from anyone who's been through something similar.

I’m not sure who they’ve made the domestic abuse referral to and how they plan to progress the referral without your daughter’s knowledge. Depending on where you are (ie which nation), there may be a duty to inform her about the referral and for her to consent to work with services. Again depending on which nation you’re in will influence whether they’re working with her as a child or under an adult referral.

There is a fine line to be trod between supporting her to engage with them and being clear about the nature of her behaviour. Child to parent abuse is still quite poorly understood and there are few supports out there. What are you hoping the outcome of the referral will be?

The referral has been made to a local domestic abuse service.

As for what I hope the outcome will be, I don't know. The abuse needs to be recognised as abuse rather than something that is simply accepted because of her diagnoses.

At the moment it feels as though the focus is entirely on protecting her from feeling blamed.

I also worry about the message it sends if abusive behaviour can't even be discussed openly because the abuser might feel blamed.

Her autism does not mean that she gets to abuse you in your own home OP.

I had similar issues with DD (ADHD) at a similar age, and our GP did mention that puberty in girls that are ND is often disregulated so they can go through phases earlier or later than their NT peers and I certainly think that happened with DD. She seemed to hit it much later and it really kicked in around 15/16.

However what did help were some very clear ground rules laid out for her. If she was shouting/throwing things/kicking off, then we would walk away. Give no reaction at all. It's a bit like the whole toddler taming concept again - only acknowledge positive behaviour. And our other DC and ourselves had locks on the insides of our bedroom doors so we all had a safe space away from it when we needed it. Can you make yourself a space in the home that she can't access? It saved my sanity on many occasions.

I do not show any reaction when she starts abusing me. She is saying horrific things and I walk away not responding. She then gets angry and follows me shouting and screaming even louder. Even if I respond quietly and say I will not engage with you, that makes her scream and shout too. I have trained myself to not raise my voice at all when she gets into these states.

I have had to leave the house and drive away but I cannot keep doing this as it is often during the day when I WFH or late at night.

I have locked myself in the bathroom and she will bang on the door and shout for me to come out.

She does this only to me not DH. She usually does it when he is not around as he will step in. He can't be with me all the time. I can only leave the house if he is there as she has threatened to kill herself.

Ground rules do not work - she ignores everything and says she does not care.

CAMHS just say keep her safe and I am her safe person and that is why she abuses me. No one is interested in the effect it has on me. Yes the social worker has put in a domestic abuse referral but at the same time has said daughter must not be blamed in anyway for her behaviour.

If she’s not doing it to your DH, she can control it to some degree - safe place or not it doesn’t mean you can be used as her punch bag. I’d explore what the domestic abuse service actually offer. Ideally I’d be looking for somewhere that does direct work around self regulation but also acceptable boundaries in relationships, your right to safety and her accountability for her own behaviour. I don’t think it’s ok to excuse behaviour on the basis of additional support needs given she clearly has some awareness and control.

If she is able to consent to sex, she must be a reasonably independent person. What are the long term plans for her life? Will she live on her own or will she need support?

If she is going to need supported living, it may be time to push for it sooner than later. I don’t say this lightly. She is still a child and normally you want to be there to support and nurture her. However, removing you as the enforcer of rules might allow you to actually be the person who nurtures.

I don't think she is able to consent to sex. She is an alcoholic who is self harming and suicidal. CAMHS feels she can consent so they are supporting her in her relationship. Her self harm and drinking have become worse since she has been seeing him.

She wants to leave home. To be honest I want her to leave home as well. She thinks she can live on her own but she can't run her life. She needs a huge amount of support.

My reserves are very low. I have supported her for 6 years but been on the receiving end of abuse for the entire time. I brought this up time and time again with CAMHS who just said she feels safe with you.

However, removing you as the enforcer of rules might allow you to actually be the person who nurtures.

I have been trying to enforce rules. This is one of the reasons I feel she no longer wants to talk to me. She constantly says now you can't make me, no I won't if I insist on the most basic of tasks.

I can only be removed as the enforcer of rules if she leaves. I will ask the social worker about supported living options thank you.

I have older DS who has left home sadly because he couldn't live with her anymore. I don't blame him.

This is a tricky one and must be awful for you. As a PP has said, if she only targets you she is able to regulate to some extent and make a choice.
CAMHS observation may be correct but that doesn’t help you. After a meltdown does she know and remember what she’s done?
Sounds like you are already trying some strategies that aren’t working. If you recorded everything she’s doing in a note book, do you feel she’d be shocked or show any regret if you showed it to her?
You could show CAMHS and see whether or not there’s a pattern or any triggers.
This article deals with children but of course she is your child although older. Some of the strategies and links may be helpful.

https://www.wellchild.org.uk/get-support/information-hub/child-to-parent-violence-cpv/

This sounds odd to me.

I have a 16 y.o. AuDHD son with mental health problems who engages in abuse - smashing up house & contents, verbal abuse & threats and physical assault (only physical with me, not DH, though he gets threatened). The police have been repeatedly involved and since he turned 16, they have always been very clear with him that this constitutes domestic abuse and we have explained to him that I am on their records as the victim of DA.

Your social worker probably doesn't have any experience of dealing with this kind of situation. SS have been useless here, which from asking to others in similar situations, seems to be pretty standard.

Have you had any input from specialist organisations eg Newbold Hope, CAPA or PEGS? I'd expect you'd get more useful help and input from them than from a standard domestic abuse organisation or from CAMHS.

Agree with the suggestion upthread about talking to SS about supported living.

We definitely see things worsen the more I'm the rule/boundary enforcer. (I'm both my son's safe person and also the one ho does all the discipline / enforcing.) I'd be inclined to drop as many demands as you can whilst holding very firmly to boundaries around safety.

We have several doors I can lock myself behind, most of which we've had to reinforce to prevent him kicking holes in them. We've removed most of the stuff in the area he spends time in (so he can't throw so much or pull over furniture). We keep all knives and glassware locked away. When he becomes dysregulated I would immediately lock myself away and call police I'd necessary. He's a lot calmer nowadays so I don't do this so often.

Have you ever investigated PDA or demand avoidance?

This is one tough gig.

Has she had any occupational therapy input?

Supported living could well be the answer here, OP. I'm so sorry, this sounds horrendous for you.

Sorry you are going through so much.

I have looked at those organisations. I have signed up for a session with CAPA to get some support. Thank you.

We also have a lock box with meds, sharps, knives etc. She has money to go and buy blades to cut herself.

I will look into PDA or demand avoidance.

She is refusing to speak to me at all now so I can't even set any boundaries.

She had some sessions but refused to engage. She is not willing to do the work.