I'm feeling so sad this morning and I don't have friends or family I feel like I can talk to about all this stuff so I hope its OK I post here.
DH and I have 2 DC, 5 and 7. Last year we decided to try for a third, I got pregnant straight away but miscarried in the spring at 9 wks. DH said he wasn't sure about trying again due to a health condition he has, which was heartbreaking and I really struggled with it but didn't try to persuade him to come round. In December we chatted and he said he did want to try again, his health was better and he also wants a larger family, like me. We started trying straight away. In February things between us had been better than for a long time, we were really aligned and happy. Then I found out that he had been paying for content from sex workers and messaging them. It felt like my insides fell out from me. I'd known he had used porn the whole time we've been together and I'm very good at compartmentalising and so I boxed that up and ignored it but paying for and messaging sex workers was an escalation and complete betrayal.
He was immediately contrite, understood that his behaviour/use of porn had escalated and decided to completely stop watching any pornography. He sought specialist therapy and we worked together to find a couples therapist.
Because our marriage is good otherwise, his immediate acknowledgement of the issue and his work to do and get better, because I dont want to lose my family, and, in large part, because we were trying for another baby, I decided to stay with him.
About 2 weeks ago he was looking at money - our finances are healthy, good saving, good pension and good income - and he said he's not sure about a third baby as he wants to be able to provide as much financial help as possible to our current DC. I didnt pay it much attention at the time as I thought he was just in his head about it. This morning, after a few days of being under the weather with his health condition, he woke up and said he's not sure about trying for a baby now, he's worried his health isn't up to it. Which, from him, means he's going to stop trying.
I am so sad. I feel so hurt and retraumatised by what happened in February. I feel like I've stayed with him under false pretence and all the effort I made to move on from the hurt he caused was pointless as we are no longer in alignment about our future, it turns out the support he got was very short lived, we had 3 sessions of couples therapy which didn't even touch on the betrayal in Feb- it was all focused on how stressed he is and strategies for coping with stress.
I just feel so sad about it all. I have one friend who knows we are trying and one other friend who knows about him paying for content and messaging sex workers but no one who I can tell about both and so I dont feel there is anyone I can work through this with.