Was friend crap or just protecting herself?

[Anonemousse]

I've been friends with Sue for a long time. I've always been a shoulder to cry on and supported her. I am very private so I've never asked for that back.

4 months ago my partner (Mary) got ill. I was scared and texted Sue asking for a chat. This was the first time that I'd EVER asked Sue for help. She said no because she was "anxious". She didn't even ask why/how Mary was ill before saying no. It might have been nothing but she didnt care.

Obviously that hurt and as far as I'm concerned, the friendship is over. I'm not interested in drama so I've stayed civil but we're done.

Sue hasn't asked about me or Mary since then but is aware it's ongoing because I've had to drop out of a load of stuff in our friend group. This shows Sue doesnt care to me. If she'd originally asked what I needed and then said she couldn't help, then I'd understand. I'd still be hurt but I'd understand. If she'd dropped me the odd text in the last 4 months saying "thinking of you" or I dunno sent me a block of chocolate to at least acknowledge how difficult this is, then I'd get it. But it was a straight out not interested

Mary has been in hospital for most of the last 4 months. She's been in solidly for the last 3 weeks and I don't know when she will be back home. It's just starting to hit me and I'm terrified.

Our dog died last week. It wasn't unexpected but it tipped me over the edge and I've been signed off work for 4 weeks.

I guess Sue found out from a mutual friend I work with because she's now texting me asking how I am and how she can help. I'm so angry with her and pissed off and I can't help but think she is only after the gossip rather than caring. I want to reply "fuck off Sue and dont pretend you care" and block her. Instead I've just muted her.

I dont think she would even realise what she has done. I think even if I told her, she'd say she was protecting her mental health.

Am I being unreasonable? Is Sue just protecting her own boundaries and should be applauded? Am I directing my anger in the wrong place?

It's just the one time I ask someone for help and it was so hard to do that and she rejected me and its shit and months have attacked our spare bedding (in the last week) which is also shit and I miss Mary and our dog. I'm so scared and people are shit. It's all so fucking shit.

I’m sorry about Mary, and your dog.

Sue might be crap, or she might not have fully realised what was going on.

As someone who will never ask for help so I can imagine how difficult it was for you and how hurt you must have felt that Sue wasn’t there for you.

What other support do you have?

I hope things get better for you soon.

I think she was being very selfish - exerting her boundary in this way . However you may be taking your anger out on her.

It sounds like she is sorry and trying to make it up to you , but the question is whether you can forgive her.
You could try to tell her how upset it made you feel when she closed you down. She perhaps lacks insight ?

I am so sorry that you are having such a shit time of it xx

Did she ever show concern or ask how you were previously? Or does she tend to talk about herself a lot?
Sorry you're going through so much 💐

Sue sounds self-absorbed and not the kind of friend you need around when you're going through a hard time.

Sending well wishes to Mary.

So sorry to hear about Mary and your dog . I hope that Mary gets better soon .
That is good that you got signed off work as you have a lot to deal with .
I wouldn’t engage with your friend at all and if you can manage , just be civil to her if there are any group get togethers .
I don’t think she was just putting in boundaries . She was a crap friend . She is used to you being the one to listen to her and wasn’t there for you in your hour of need .Then she didn’t even contact you or do anything for months . Even if she was having a bad day when you first phoned , she had other opportunities to check in with you , even if brief messages to see how you were doing .
I wouldn’t waste any more energy / anger on her as she really isn’t worth it . Concentrate on you and Mary and I hope that you have other friends / family who can support you . Take care x

She’s not your friend. The fact that contacts you about your dog and not your partner is insulting.