Want to be less terse and strict with my child

[comoatoupeira]

I wonder if anyone has any experience of this.
I worry that as parents we have lost the plot a bit about being unconditionally loving. As in, we are too conditionally loving.
As a child I remember being jealous of other people’s relationships with their mums (it was always mums) where they seemed to love each other really overtly, really simply. With mine it was loving, but always in a slightly ironic, a little sarcastic even, maybe very British way. I think some people might know what I mean and many won’t… I’m not trying to say anything about British parenting, just to not derail the thread.
I’m not emotionally reserved, we cuddle all the time and the child is happy and doing well at school and always tells me stuff. I don’t lose my shit more than a couple of times a year, and have never been physically violent. I am generally calm and don’t shout a lot. But I am maybe nervy and a bit grumpy?
Yesterday all those old feelings of being a child sprung up again when I saw a school dad friend of mine, and his kid ran up to him and gave him the sweetest hug and kisses on his cheek. One kiss after another, just so lovingly. And this boy is about 8! Mine is only 6 but he doesn’t have that reaction to me at all.
I think I get cross too much, show too much exasperation with parenting, and am too pushy in trying to teach things. I wish I could change things and just be seen as the safe haven, the person they love and trust more than anything. Nothing more.
I’m not talking about permissiveness, I just feel like I’ve inherited some sort of coldness from my upbringing and I don’t know what to do about it.
Anyone know what I mean?
sorry this isn’t very well written.

OP, I do know what you mean. I have a teenager now and I do catch myself before I nag or complain because she can perceive criticism where there isn't any so will pick up on any irritation. It has taken a bit of practice. Yes, it is annoying that her stuff is all over the kitchen after school but I try and ignore it until she's eaten and generally decompressed before asking as genially as I can if it would be possible to move it before dinner. This is much more effective than my previous moaning.

Can you give it a go trying to be super positive with your DC? I don't mean letting them misbehave in any way but in letting go of the small stuff and putting connection with them ahead of other things that aren't that important? I don't always manage it but I am better than I was.

Might it also be that the other Dad is a rare collector from school? Very unfairly, the parent who does the least is often very exciting. I do sometimes refer to my DH as 'Fun Daddy' when he is in charge and she's still up at 10:30 on a school night because they have been 'improving her darts in the garage', or something I might not have seen the value in. I remember being in a rare night out midweek on a school night when she was in Year 1 and him sending me a photo of her in her pyjamas at 9pm with her feet in the sea.

We both bring something different to the table and I've relaxed about it now. She would have been really excited if he picked her up from school because he didn't very often. Might there be a bit of this at play?

It's partly the child's personality. My dd isn't demonstratively affectionate but she smiles happily when I'm affectionate with her. Similarly she often says she's not in the mood to talk but she'd rather I just do the talking (my dh is like this too). So at pickup time she just nods sullenly when I greet her but inwardly she's pleased that I'm greeting her affectionately if that makes sense.

Conversely, my ds has a more similar personality to mine and he's loud and triumphant at every pickup, runs the length of the playground with arms outstretched "MUMMY'S HERE!"

My dd is doing that in her head.

Edit to add - we carefully treat them both exactly the same. So it probably isn't you, it's them

I think we are all a product of our upbringing. My family is very physically affectionate, my husband's is not and he definitely was a bit uncomfortable with this at first. Over the years he has got better and is affectionate with our children but probably not as easily or comfortably as I am.

When you say you're often cross or grumpy, what sort of behaviour from your little one makes you react that way? Maybe you could practice ignoring low level bad behaviour and instead concentrate on praising the good? Focus on having fun with him and even being a bit silly - make an assault course in the house or garden and race him, or put music on and have a dance party. Enjoy playing with him and seeing him laughing and having fun.

If you've grown up in a more reserved household, it takes time and a concerted effort to change. At first it can feel a bit false or forced but persevere and it will start to come more naturally. Try to ease off a bit on the teaching and disciplining and focus on just enjoying him and his company. You sound like a very caring mum otherwise you wouldn't even be questioning your parenting!

Thanks so much, the advice in your first paragraph is really helpful. I’ve bookmarked it.
Re: the small stuff, a lot of this is spearheaded by my DH who doesn’t let anything slide and expects good to great behaviour 99% of the time. So our house is just a concert of do this do that, don’t do it like this do it like that. It’s saddening. Of course everyone comments that our kids are wonderful! I just wonder if it’s really what I want for them. When I saw the other dad I thought no, I want that.

Actually this other dad is really present, I see him at the school gate most days and he’s on the PTA and everything! I think he might just be … a really lovely dad.

I do know what you mean though, in other family dynamics. Just not the case here.

Yes, I mean it’s very basic: it’s when they don’t do as I ask! But I think that’s about me maybe not enjoying the moment and just trying to get everything ‘done’, and if they block that, I get annoyed.

Thanks for the advice about having fun, I think if I had more fun in my own life too this might rub off!

That does sound a bit onerous and depressing for your DC, tbh, and I really value good behaviour in children. The fact that even you think its a lot probably means it feels even more oppressive to the child who its aimed at.

And re: physical affection and different families, I really hear this. I often wish I was from a different part of the world where being warm just comes so naturally to people.
I often wonder what it’s like for people from, say, Colombia, to be married to a classic Brit! Must be so difficult to understand ways of showing affection and get the loving gestures you crave.

And yeah, no hugs and kisses in DH’s family, no obvious signs of affection. Love is shown by showing up at family occasions and having a good chat. But not very personal.

God your DH sounds depressing! No wonder you don't feel fun and you watch that other dad longingly! I don't think the issue here is you OP!

Dont think I want this thread to be a DH bashing one if possible.
more looking for what I can do - should I have therapy? (Cost puts me off)
any books I should read?

I think therapy is a sledgehammer on what is not a huge problem. What your dh needs is to see other, more affectionate dads, with their kids, to see what that's like.

Organise some big playdates or throw a barbecue where dads will be there.

DH is affectionate. I’m just saying his family are not. So it’s a big leap to being really adorable, and more instinctive to him to be teaching how to behave and life skills.

we are both affectionate, it’s not the issue. The issue is this slight distance or coldness or weariness of children, that I am picking up on and reminds me of my mother.

But I agree with you that it definitely helps to hang out with other families and realise that we’re being too picky with behaviour sometimes

Gosh OP I have similar feelings as a mum, and I’m a single parent so I am everything to them at all times. I really do know what you mean yet I find it so hard to articulate! I have been having a few eureka moments lately regarding my kids. I tend to constantly correct/advise - most likely this is a bit lecture-y and boring. Since I went on a weeks break with my kids tecently and really looked at them, really watched them, I started to do way, way less. Say less, educate(lecture) less on random questions. And it’s changed something! I can see our dynamic as a family has altered! I can’t fully explain it, it’s happening and I’m still only experiencing it, but our connection feels warmer somehow. And my son is declaring random “I love you!”’s to me which is so crazy endearing (he’s 10).

I know I am generally over consumed with work filled with time, being the sole parent, doing everything, and just taking my life down a notch has changed things. I find life makes me anxious, and possibly joyless at times. And for myself I am deploying a “let it go” mentality. I don’t mean I am sliding on manners or anything. I’ve also stopped “over selling” on what we are going to do. I’m now more on side with them and truthful for example, if we are going somewhere and there are comments of resistance I’ll say, “yea I’ve no idea, it might be rubbish, I really don’t know. We’ll have a look” whereas before I would be talking up and persuading.

i have come down ten notches about dropping after school activity and endlessly encouraging more which as the effect of putting them off!

it’s probably not the same but somehow me backing off - I can see a change in them - they have room to breathe - and I am seeing them better than ever. It’s helping my parenting and I feel … just better somehow, softer.

oh my god @Boobyslims , this is exactly it! You've completely understood what the precise problem is. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply (see there I go again, I'm encouraging you too! lol)
I'm going to try this during the summer holiday and will report back.

I think I get what you mean, OP. I relate to it too, and agree that I think it’s a kind of British thing and I’ve inherited it from my own parents.

My husband is not British. He’s exactly like the school dad you describe. Our children (5, 3 and 1) love me but they absolutely adore him.

Like you, I don’t think I do anything awful. But I do find that I can tend towards being a bit stern for no real reason other than a personal hatred of mess and chaos, which isn’t their fault. I also find it difficult sometimes to let go of the never ending to-do list in my head and just be present and give them my time. My husband has a really stressful and busy job (surgeon) yet is able to park that and be 💯 in dad mode when the children are there, and I really want to be better at this.

I have recently found a therapist and am due to start my sessions after years of putting it off (also due to the cost)!