Can our relationship recover after his behaviour since our second baby?

[Batnm]

Sorry I’m advance, this is going to be a long one.

My husband is a good man and (was until recently) a great father. I suspect he has postnatal depression after the birth of our second, he has refused to seek professional help.

I have done every single night with the baby since birth. The 4 month sleep regression has hit me hard. I’m now exhausted and can’t cope picking up the slack from my husband anymore. I’m the default parent in every way.

The problem is he has no patience with our eldest who has just turned 3. He gets overwhelmed easily when the baby cries. I don’t feel like I can leave him alone with the two kids for me to get a meaningful break. I am lucky I have family nearby to support me otherwise I would have had a breakdown by now.

To top it off, he is no longer affectionate with me. I genuinely think if I didn’t initiate conversation then he would not talk to me.

All of these issues came to a head a couple of weeks ago. One night, I felt overwhelmed when the baby cried. I asked my husband to take the baby so I could calm down. When I came back my husband started shouting in my face that it was my fault I was so tired. Apparently “women would cut off their right tit” to have help from someone like him.

A couple of days later, it’s my birthday. The eldest is at nursery. I was excited to get some much needed sleep. It was realistically the only day in two weeks that I could do this.

I was eating my breakfast, barely able to keep my eyes open, and he starts in on me again (a lot less aggressively this time). We end up arguing for hours. I know it takes two to argue but why would you start a fight with someone who is obviously so tired?!

So, I end up not being able to sleep. I tried but I was too upset/angry. I’m left crying my eyes out on the sofa. Not the birthday I had imagined.

A few weeks have passed and I’m still not over it. We’ve talked about it and he has apologised multiple times. I feel incredibly let down. I’m holding on to a lot of anger and resentment. I just don’t feel like we are working well as a team anymore.

How do I move past this? I’ve never been someone who holds onto grudges. We have been together for a long time and never had problems like this before.

Is he being soley verbally aggressive? Are you safe?

Given you’re doing 100% of the parenting yourself anyway, could you stay elsewhere and get a break from him? Perhaps with family or a friend. You don’t need or deserve that kind of treatment.
Do you want him around?

No I don’t think there is any potential given his personality

Not the point but I would be really interested to see all these women who would "cut off their right tit" to be with him - I can imagine exactly 0 women would be up for this because he sounds like a right tit himself!!

I'm so sorry that he is doing this to you - has he been like this before? In the short term do you have parents around that can help? In the long term - is this really a relationship that you want to be in? He's unsupportive, not helping with the children and has shouted at you when you are vulnerable.

I'm not surprised you are finding it difficult to move past. He's treating you awfully.

That’s a very violent and misogynistic image he used. I’d feel very uneasy around someone who spoke to me like that.

Could he move out, go stay with his dps for a while? It sounds like it would be easier without him.

How horrible of him ruining your birthday ! What’s he actually adding to family life at the moment ?

He sounds selfish and unkind 😔 I've never understood how someone can see their partner struggling with exhaustion and not step in to help - it's just cruel. When our children were babies, DH and I shared the load and would take over to let the other one get some sleep - he was working so would do the early evening shift till about midnight/1 am so I could get some sleep and then swap over. Your DH needs to step up - if he's depressed he needs to see the GP. I think it's time you sat him down and lay your cards on the table - you can't carry on in this exhausted state.

He is not a good man OP. A good man
would not behave like this towards his wife, the woman he is supposed to love and care about, and who is the mother of his children. In face any decent human being would not behave like that towards an exhausted mother giving everything to care for her children.

I agree with pp: ask him to leave, at least temporarily. Do you have any friends or family you can call on for a bit of help and support atm? Take every bit of support you can.

Thanks for the replies. It was cathartic to write down the problem. It was really amazing to see people respond. Thank you.

To answer the questions. I don’t feel unsafe around him. He has never shouted at me like he did that night. He has certainly never got in my face before or since.

This behaviour is new. He was wonderful with our first. Complete 50/50 split of every night. We were both exhausted with the first so it seemed daft to do the same thing twice.

What I didn’t anticipate is how different he would be around the second. He still cares for the baby but gets so easily wound up. If he was female, I’m almost certain he’d have a postnatal depression diagnosis, he certainly fits the criteria.

After the two shouting incidents, I kicked him out for the weekend and got my parents over to help. Husband and I talked about it and he apologised and we agreed to move on. We put some changes in place and he has done a lot more with the kids. I’ve even had a couple of nights “off” since.

I think/hope his behaviour is temporary. The shouting incidents were just awful and in normal pre-baby circumstances I would have left him for them. I know I deserve better. With a young family, I’d like to work through it if possible.

This is why I’m stuck. He seems to be doing better but I know view him in a different light. If he has a physical problem then I’d stick by him, it shouldn’t be any different with a mental health problem. His behaviour has caused me so much upset and frankly anger. I need to let go of both to move on.

Your replies have given me some perspective. Today, I’m giving him the ultimatum, sort out your mental health or this relationship is done. I’m happy to support him through getting better but this situation can’t continue. It’s not like having two kids is going to get much easier!

My family are aware of what is going on and thankfully they are a phone call away from helping me out.

Husband and I are going to
have a long chat tonight and get things sorted.

Thanks everyone.

If he has a physical problem then I’d stick by him, it shouldn’t be any different with a mental health problem. His behaviour has caused me so much upset and frankly anger.
You only have to help a physical problem for short bursts such as doing the cooking, cleaning or getting dressed and it is a known quantity usually. A mental health problem that isn't managed is there 24/7 and isn't a known quantity as it could escalate in seconds. Totally different.

There is one thing you might need to be aware of. Abuse can appear when a woman seems trapped, eg pregnancy and maternity, but it can also start after the second child when finances are tighter, the inability to fight back due to being even more tired, being less help as there are two children, the woman's choices are more limited than with one child. It is a known thing. I'm also saying it is more likely abuse rather than mh for him as he absolutely ruined your special day which is supposedly about you. Add in the fact it was your one day to rest. Classic textbook signs I'm afraid.

And that is why you are so angry and confused. The one person you should be able to lean on to care, support and protect you is attacking you instead. Watch him like a hawk, it's unlikely he will change, he'll just become more subtle.

Feeling pity for men and wanting to help them through their mental health issues is a major reason for why women stay with men who are abusing them. The men are perceived as the victim.

In your conversation with him tonight OP, don’t shy away from labeling his behaviour towards you as what it is - abuse. You have to be clear (with him and yourself) that you have zero tolerance of abuse going forward.

Although the tiredness will ease as the children get older there will be new stresses. Children are hard, annoying and can be very difficult. I would worry that the aggressive outbursts could be aimed at the children at some point in the future.

If he is genuinely depressed then he needs to go to the GP and get some support. If he’s refusing to do this I think he’s admitting he’s not depressed, he’s an abusive arsehole whose mask slipped.