Help … I can’t see what to do

[ffsimbreaking]

Please help, I’m a long time lurker but first time poster- I can’t work out what I should do and I’m crippled with indecision. I’ve been with my husband for over 20 years- 2 kids, now teens(doing GCSEs etc) we had our own business but post Covid became employed elsewhere. I’m really struggling with current role and feel very undervalued, and I’m desperate to leave- I might have found a way out but husband has decided to jump on the wagon and leave too and make it all about his situation- completely dismissing how I am feeling. (Backstory- he has always kept his own financial matters very guarded) this evening it has completely blown up by me asking to see his bank account- bare in mind I only use our joint account so everything I spend he sees- he got very defensive and eventually showed me, but made me feel like I was utter shite for having the cheek to ask him- question is what to do I do, I feel completely blindsided, but in absolutely no situation to leave- am I in financial abuse by husband not being transparent with his own bank account? Bear in mind we have been together over 20 years and this is the first time I have insisted he show me- Even though he can check what I do any day or night- he was really shouty and dismissive when I asked him …

Hmm depends if he is restrictive with money going into the joint account, or pays his way fairly and makes money available when needed and then doesn't necessarily want to show you the detail of his current account. Also depends on how you asked I think. You haven't actually said if you saw anything concerning? Is he bad with money or spending on stupid stuff when you're struggling? I think all of this is relevant.

Thank you Jelly- he is quite stingy- it mainly me doing all bills but he does pay mortgage and life insurance. He
will pay if it’s really necessary but often quite controlling when it comes to family spending (ie need new clothes, haircuts etc) we hardly ever have holidays unless I pay. I didn’t see anything massively concerning though there are quite a few payments for prize draws and lotteries- but then he said it’s for us if we win!
he also in the last year spent a lot of his own money on his favourite thing to do (think hobby) without telling me- which caused huge issues and I felt very betrayed- he doesn’t like me bringing this up now as thinks I shouldn’t bring up past events- sorry for drip feed-