Does it get easier with two young children, or just different?

[followtheswallow]

I’ve had a really exhausting and if I’m honest not very enjoyable half term with my two children. I am a bit down because I had hoped it would be getting easier by this point.

DS is five and a half and he is just an absolute ball of energy. I can’t even put the TV on for a bit of peace as he talks incessantly so can’t follow any sort of plot or storyline. He goes into these impassioned monologues that don’t make much sense but wants your sole and undivided attention throughout - they probably only last a minute or so but feels like hours. I am conscious we’re in a bad pattern at the moment of me desperately trying to extricate myself from these verbal barrages and then he increases it because he’s wanting to connect with me. But it’s constant and so tiring. He’s also quite loud; not his fault, he has some hearing problems we are under the ENT for, but at times it feels like I’m sharing my space with an evangelical preacher on the city streets.

DS has a lot of energy and I do use this as positively as possible. This half term alone he’s spent an entire day at a farm, at a national trust place where we were out for the whole day, forest school, a woodland adventure course, there’s more, he’s done loads. But irrespective of how much he’s done or how much time he’s spent outside he never seems to just ‘chill.’

I have tried asking him to make less noise, to give mummy some quiet for a while; it generally lasts around ten to twenty seconds and then he starts again with ‘MUMMY … MUMMY.’

My youngest is three in July and alone is much, much calmer but presents different challenges. Eating is a major one: she’s never had the best appetite but she had a bit of a bug or virus last week and her appetite this week has been nonexistent. She then fills up on milk and I just don’t know whether it’s best for her to have milk but no food or effectively deprive her of milk and try to encourage food that way? I don’t know; I’m worried though. But as always both my children together for prolonged periods is such hard work. I was at the woodland place last week and siblings a bit older than mine seemed to be having a great time together; I’m really hoping mine will get to that point as they do seem to get on. But right now, they talk over one another constantly, one walks slowly behind, one likes shooting off in front, it’s like herding cats getting them anywhere, I can’t give one a cuddle without the other barging in.

I just feel chaotic and dysfunctional with them both. I was out with them yesterday and there were two families on either side each with one young child sat calmly in a high chair while the adults talked and it looked so damn easy! While I was constantly telling ds to sit down, trying to eat myself and ds is helping himself to my food and trying to persuade dd to eat something, anything … Does it get better? And when?

Yes, it does get easier. My two do fight (they are 8 & 13 now), but life is certainly much easier. They get hard in different ways as they get older. For example, last night my eldest refused to get out of bed and tidy up her shit which was spread about the hotel room (we are currently away for a sports competition), then cried because I asked her one too many times, threw a shoe at me and went to bed without brushing her teeth. 🙄 I wanted to chuck her out the window. There is more talking back and hormones (compared to most, mine are both very good in terms of behaviour), but it’s not like 3.

Honestly, when they were little, I planned days during the school holidays when one would be in nursery or holiday club. It made the week less chaotic and I got one to one time with the other. Also Dh and I always traded off, so it wasn’t me doing everything all week.

I think part of is accepting your DS is never going to be that quiet kid who sits in a cafe with you. 5 and 3 is still really demanding and it definitely gets better in terms of day to day stuff but they might never play together that much and that's just the way it is with some kids. I think by 5 your DS needs to learn there are rules around conversation. This is tricky. Maybe if he wants to talk about something set a timer and say tell me everything about it in 3 minutes, then you move on. Teach him gently that people have different interests and he might want to talk for hours about one thing but other people might not want to listen. He should be listening to someone else talking for as long as he is talking. He will find it hard to keep friends is he thinks he can monologue all the time.

Also if you can take them out separately. The biggest source of argument in my home is whose turn it is to talk so you definitely arent alone there. Living with a sibling who interrupts all the time is hard for both of them so one to one time would be a nice way to bond.

It gets so much easier. Mine are 13 and nearly 16 now. I guess you're on your own as you don't mention a partner? I was alone from ages 3 and 5, and I completely relate to the torturous monologues - but as you say, the more they don't feel satisfactorily listened to, the more they persist.

I used breathing exercises and counting to 100 in my head, it worked really well and looking back now that was really just a short phase.

Hopefully they'll start playing together soon and that'll take the pressure off you. Hang in there and best of luck!

I found 2 about the hardest age, so my experience is it gets easier once you no longer have a toddler.

It does get easier. There are different challenges at every stage, of course, but I think 5 and 3 years are particularly full-on ages!

My DS was a lot like your little boy at that age. Inexhaustible and a chatterbox. The combination was tough at times. I vividly remember the constant ‘look, mummy!’, ‘listen, mummy!’ ‘Are you listening, mummy?’ and endless monologues about sea creatures and trains. Similar age gap between my DS and DD, too, and I remember feeling wrung out by the end of a half term with them.

You sound like a lovely, engaged mother btw, and your little boy sounds like a bright, sweet and typically annoying 5 year old 😆 He is still at the stage where Mum is his best mate…that will change quite soon and you will miss it (the irony).

Re: Your DD’s eating.

Obvs see your GP if you are worried, but my DS was like this and although it was worrying at the time, it all turned out fine,

He went through a phase from about 2.5 to 4.5 yrs where he ate very little and only wanted milk. At one stage I think I could only get him to eat Petit Filou, spaghetti hoops and cheapo sausages in very small amounts. I tried to delay milk and tempt him with food, but I didn’t stop the milk as he was stubborn and would just not eat some days.

I used to feel like a child abuser giving him that diet. But he survived! And became increasingly less fussy and with a bigger appetite once he started school. Turns out he does have some sensory issues, and he has always been a bit of fussy eater re: textures …but at 21 years old and 6’4, I think he’s OK!

Hang on in there.

Thanks. I think we’re all pretty tired at the moment! So difficult with ds as he seems to get more manic the more tired he is!