Do abusive men share dark secrets early to test and trap partners?

[ThisStateOfIndependenceShallBe]

Sorry this is probably going to be a bit rambly, not quite sure what I'm trying to say or ask. It's just that something's got me thinking.

Over twenty years ago now when I was in my early twenties my new boyfriend, who was in his late twenties, told me that a couple of months before he'd met me he'd slept with a seventeen year old girl.

We met travelling overseas, and he claimed that in the country we were in it was statutory rape to sleep with someone under eighteen if there was a ten year age gap. (I've since googled this, and it's not, the age of consent is sixteen and in the eyes of the law the age gap doesn't matter.)

He seemed determined to convince me that according to the law of that country he was a paedophile and put on a bit of a tortured soul act.

I can see now that that was a massive red flag, but at the time I just kind of shrugged it off. It was before we met, she was over sixteen, lots of my friends had much older boyfriends when they were in their teens, so I just refused to see it as a big deal, even though he seemed to want me to.

Now thinking back I'm wondering if he was trying to bind me to him by sharing this, sort of making me part of it by telling me about it. Or testing me to see what sort of behaviour I found acceptable. Or pretending to be this tortured soul so I would fall over myself to be the one to save him from his demons, and put up with his bad treatment of me.

Part of me even wonders if maybe it would eventually have come out that the girl was actually fifteen, and he would have said, "you were okay with me sleeping with an underage girl of seventeen and fifteen is only a bit younger, so why is it any different?' And then I would have been drawn even further into his twisted world. (Obviously that's just my imagination running away with me, I have no real reason to think the girl was any younger than seventeen.)

I know that when he cheated on me he told the other woman something about our relationship that also painted him as a tortured soul, and even though I think she believed we'd split up, it made her complicit in his abuse of me, so I think when she found out that actually he'd been cheating on both of us probably the only way she could justify having been with him knowing what he'd done, probably putting up with the same mistreatment because he was such a tortured soul and couldn't help it, was if she convinced herself it was true love. (I don't actually think he's capable of love.)

Anyway, telling her his dark secrets clearly worked better on her than it did on me. When I found out about her I broke up with him. She married him several years later.

Thanks to anyone who's bothered to read my probably incoherent ramblings.

I suppose what I'm really wondering is, do you think abusive men typically tell their girlfriends their dark secrets? Do you think they do it to flatter them. ("He trusts me enough to tell me!") Is it to trap them by making them complicit with the knowledge? Is it so they can get away with bad behaviour- the poor soul is fighting demons, he can't help what he does?

Judging by threads I've read on here, they alway seem to tell their new girlfriend about their 'crazy' ex.

Oh yes, he did that too. Not the seventeen year old, but the woman he'd lived with for several years before.

No doubt I was another crazy ex in the story he told his now wife.

Yes they do share dark secrets whether these are true or not we'll never know. But they definitely test the water to see how far they can go and what you'll tolerate from my experience, which unfortunately has been too much

agree

I think so, yes. My ex told me literally on our first date about the time in junior school that he "snapped" and broke another kids wrist. In hindsight I can see that he was setting me up to later be terrified by his rages. By the time things escalated to physical abuse I had been controlled for years and it was always in the back of my mind that he could "snap".

Yes, they test boundaries very early to see if it's worth persisting.

Thanks for your replies.

💐for those of you who have been in abusive relationships. I hope things are better for you now.

It's just occurred to me that he told me he had committed statutory rape.
He told me he was a rapist.
And I didn't listen.

Also wondering if he told me something bad he'd done in the hope that I would return the favour and share dark secrets about my past that he could later use against me.

I suppose what I'm really wondering is, do you think abusive men typically tell their girlfriends their dark secrets? Is it to trap them by making them complicit with the knowledge?
100%. It is so they can say they told you they were shit and you didnt have an issue with it.

Yes beware that one. A friend had that happen to her. None of her 'secrets' were anything bar the normal youtful mistakes but he turned vicious when they broke up.

Not my experience at all, no. In fact quite the opposite - putting on a perfect, charming persona and being showered with gifts and flowers.

My exh told me about a time he beat a guy up to the point where he had to be stopped from throwing a rock on his head and killing him. But how he had changed and bla bla bla. Of someone told me that now I’d think they were an absolute nutter and run like hell but yeah, I fell For the tortured soul act. Insane to have accepted that 😒

I don’t think it’s anything to do with making you complicit in anything. He shares horrible things because he’s looking for a woman who will tolerate shitty behaviour from a man. Like you said, he’ll either just continue being gross or escalate it and claim you have no right to complain, as you’ve shown you’re willing to tolerate pretty horrible stuff already.

Either because they’re young and naive, so won’t understand the power imbalance and how gross it is. Or they have poor life experiences which normalise the behaviour. Or very low self esteem so they know it’s bad behaviour but willingly overlook it.

He put on a charming persona too, completely love bombed me, but then he would suddenly change, show me the real him, I suppose and confide something bad or say something mean to me and then go back to being his charming self.

Yep @ThisStateOfIndependenceShallBe they absolutely do...my abusive ex told me all sorts of horrible stuff, inc a rape accusation, to make me feel sorry for me (he was innocent of all of it of course) and being the too-trusting and helpful soul that I was, I believed him.

I now understand that this was actually all confessions and testing to see what I would put up with. I fell for it big time and it's only in hindsight I can see it clearly. I try not to beat myself up about falling for it, he was so clever at deception and presenting himself as the victim. Absolutely evil, a very unpleasant man.

I am now the crazy and spiteful ex...and very relieved to be so.

With him I think there was an element of making me somehow complicit with him.

He told me he had committed a crime, although actually what he said he'd done wasn't a crime. (I didn't know that then though) and I stayed with him and the thought of reporting him never even crossed my mind (don't really know how I could have reported it though, not knowing the girl he'd slept with.)

By staying with him, knowing what he'd done and keeping his secret I did sort of become complicit. I think there was a sort of "I'm bad for doing that, but you're bad too for accepting it, so this is the relationship you deserve" attitude to him.

@ThisStateOfIndependenceShallBe I don't think you should be accepting responsibility for his behaviour, however obliquely, through feeling that you were complicit in some way. It is all too easy for those of us who find ourselves in an abusive relationship to think that some or all of it was our fault, or that our acceptance of their behaviour somehow makes us guilty...but we were duped by men very proficient in manipulation and subterfuge...my ex presented himself as a bit stupid but as I understand more and more of what he did, I realise that he was anything but, Machiavellian is a more fitting description.

You were one of the victims of your ex, not his accomplice.

I understand why you think he wanted you complicit but no, I don't think that's it at all.

As others have said, there's two elements to this - 1 is to see how you respond to their less positive traits and characteristics and 2 is to find a way to get you feeling sorry for them.

In many acases, I don't even believe they do it consciously. I have seen it often where early in a relationship a woman will tell me that her new boyfriend did x or said x or whatever and I'm thinking, "WTF?" and they're excusing it or seeing it as a reason for them to be even nicer to him. For example, one of the many issues with exBIL was that he was able to hugely control her with his mood. She was constantly terrified of being late or doing something he might not like or going somewhere without him because of the atmosphere, silent treatment etc she'd be subjected to. What we didn't learn until later, was that right from the very start of their relationship this was happening. Apparently in the first few weeks if they had even the most minor of disagreements - what movie to see for example - he would ghost her for days. But then, when he came back, he'd tell her that because of his abusive/cheating ex, and his childhood trauma, he really struggles to cope with conflict and he'd tell her how this relationship means everything to him and so he's terrified if there's a disagreement etc..... and so she thought she just needed to be more supportive so that he got more confident. I might have accepted it once, but there's not a chance in hell that I'd have put up with that more than that. So if he'd met me or someone like me, the relationship would have fizzed out before it even started, leaving him free to find someone who WOULD put up with this shit. And FYI - exBIL truly doesn't think he ever did anything wrong, at any point, throughout their 15 year relationship.

The point is that men like this say and do the same thing to every woman they meet. Many of those women see thse red flags and politely move on without even thinking about the bigger picture. But some women don't. And the abuser then settles in all while thinking, "I was honest with her from the start".

Absolutely!

I have experienced this so overtly. The man in question was even pushing things like "I have told you all about my trauma... You need to trust me with your trauma."

He was testing me to see my reaction by saying different things... Using hard drugs in his youth, doing criminal things in youth, etc

It was all testing my acceptance of him and feigning a "deep bond". Massive red flag I will look for in the future!

Woman have choices they dont have ro move men like this in, thry can date and if unsuitable move on

Are women less intelligent then men? Otherwise why dont they own their own brain and make better choices to begin with

If they show you/tell you they are terrible, that's your cue to say 'see you later, perpetrator!'
If you stick around, they know you don't have strong morals/good boundaries.

Yes, they do it to test your boundaries and see how easy you’ll be to manipulate.

My mum is married to a convicted paedophile. He told her on their first date that he sexually abused his daughter. Got out all the court documents over dinner. 😳

She saw it as him being so open and trusting and knew he must be a ‘good man’. Really he was testing to see her reaction and if she could be groomed. She has facilitated his contact with children he has abused since. She thinks it’s all fine because he’s such an open book and so honest. 🙄 Obviously, I am NC with the lot of them.

They find out what your boundaries are too. They encourage you to talk about past relationships to find out the shit you've put up with before. It's not because they are being empathetic, it's because they are finding out if you will put up with their shit too.

Exactly this. It’s basically a test for how gullible someone is. Someone less naive then the OP would just have said ‘I’m pretty sure that’s not the law, but you do you’ and moved on, wondering why someone she’d just met was determined to convince her he was a paedophile.

Yes, my ex told me a traumatic story about witnessing the gang rape and subsequent suicide of his first girlfriend.

He then went on to rape me and groom my 12 year old daughter.