Pregnancy after SIL miscarriage

[caslaga]

SIL had a misscarriage at 10 weeks. She told everyone she was pregnant from week 2, it will be the first grandbaby so IL went crazy and bought up all the baby stores and went OTT. There was a party thrown and celebration dinner SIL was having the time of her life. Then the miscarriage happened four weeks ago. I feel so bad for SIL as I think the big deal made out of the pregnancy only makes the miscarriage worse. MILs have been crying, and keeps pestering DP and I to message SIL and send stuff. My sister had a miscarriage last year and we checked in on her and sent her a box of chocolates. We did the same for SIL but PIL are asking what else we can do to support. SIL has felt really depressed.

My partner and I decided a while back we were going to start TTC in June (a weeks time!) as I will be ovulating and we are away on a weekend break at the same time (all planned for this). I really don't want to delay our timeline. We would quite like a spring or summer baby (no idea if it will go to plan so need to start trying June and hopefully will get pregnant in first 3-6 months).

We are the eldest couple so everyone assumed we would be first so the excitement over us having a kid has been built up for a long time. I was disappointed we weren't first and I feel really guilty about that now. SIL is a very nice person.

Problem is, even if I tell ILs away from SIL and BIL (which we would have to do) all my excitement about telling ILs I was pregnant has gone entirely. It almost feels cruel to get pregnant. I don't want to upset SIL and I worry it will be a trigger for the whole family. As a result I feel so much less excited about TTC.

I planned a really creative pregnancy announcement with a game as a huge reveal bit doing this now would feel tasteless. I also feel the IL reaction to SIL pregnancy then miscarriage is all very OTT. I don't expect the same treatment as we don't live anywhere near them.

I also want to feel really excited, but don't know how to approach this sensitively? I also feel I deserve the same excitement SIL got and I won't get that. I know when I get a fraction of the excitement SIL got I will feel rejected. SIL has had preferential treatment only because of proximity and I understand that.

I will feel better TTC knowing I have had a bit of a plan and thought this out a bit.

My own mum is so disinterested in grandchildren that I really only had the ILs to share in the excitement with.

What is reasonable and unreasonable for me to do/expect?

How do you go about this?

In the nicest way, everyone plans to get pregnant straight away and very few do. I would see how it goes before you start worrying how you will manage all the feelings. Maybe mention you are starting to try so they can prepare for an eventual announcement.

I think you wait and see if you get pregnant first tbh. This is handwringing unnecessarily. Worry about it if and when the opportunity arises.

I planned a really creative pregnancy announcement with a game as a huge reveal bit doing this now would feel tasteless
That alone sounds dreadful in any circumstances.

You have planned and overthought a million things and you haven't even yet tried to conceive? This is bonkers. Your in-laws sound bonkers as well going mad about a pregnancy so early.

All of you need to calm the hell down. Start trying, hopefully it will all work out.

I am having a lot of anxiety because I haven't through this through so I know it's premature but I need to have a plan in my mind to ease my anxiety about it.

Things change. If you’d got pregnant a year ago maybe you could do all the revealing stuff but you’re right, and it would be inappropriate now. I think you need to focus on hopefully getting pregnant, hopefully staying pregnant and then just the joy of having your baby. It’s more than enough I promise you. And seeing what your SIL has been through should make that even clearer to you.

And you’re not ‘anxious’ about it. You’re annoyed and looking for ways around it so you can still do what you wanted but honestly don’t. And let it go.

You’re overthinking it.

Women get pregnant every day. SiL will be fine.

Go forth and DTD.

You really need to stop over thinking all this. Carry on with your plans and then address the announcement when you get to that stage, it could be weeks/months/years. Hopefully its the former, but thats potentially still several months on from SIL miscarriage and the collective mood will be different

I read the title as if you were already pregnant. Since you’re not, it seems unnecessary worry. I’d come back to this once or if you become pregnant. SIL might be pregnant and have a baby before you thus no point in worrying.

You really don’t have to make a huge announcement. As you have sadly seen with your SIL the really important thing is having a healthy baby not all song and dances about pregnancy announcement, baby showers etc.

This is a non problem OP. Just live your life. Things change and as adults we have to go with it. I’m sorry your own mum is disinterested. You’re not even pregnant yet. But when you are, don’t tell your ILs until you’re 3/4 months in. Hopefully everyone’s learnt something here about not getting excited too early, so naturally your ILs may be a little more muted about your announcement, when it happens. That’s normal.

Don’t do the game announcement though - that doesn’t sound good tbh in any circumstance. A friend of mine did something similar and filmed it all and shared it with everyone and then had a MC, it was so awful for her as she was also early 40s at that point.

I’m saying this with kindness, but you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself at such an early stage. You’re at the start of a very long journey and this level of stress at every turn will be crushing. The reason some of these posts may seem negative to you is because once you have kids you know that pregnancy, childbirth and children have a habit of laying waste to any plans you make, in the nicest way possible! You might get severe morning sickness and the last thing you feel like doing is playing a game to make an announcement, you just never know.

Hopefully you’ll fall pregnant quickly and can have a quiet word with your in-laws about what is appropriate and what you want for yourself and your husband. I would be wary of the level of fuss that was made though, you’ve seen how it can play out if things don’t work out.

Good luck!

Her miscarriage isn't about you. You're not even pregnant- it might happen first time, it might take longer than 6 months. SIL might be pregnant by the time you announce your pregnancy.

Elaborate pregnancy announcements are tacky whatever imo.

Then deal with your anxiety. That's the problem.

You need to sort that ASAP so you can enjoy any pregnancy and being a mum. You don't want anxiety overshadowing the rest of your life. See your GP.

She could be pregnant again by the time you get knocked up. So I wouldn't worry about it.

You're annoyed because it's gonna ruin your jnsta moment but you don't even know if you'll catch yet, it could be you with a loss you just can't predict this stuff.

I suggest you seek treatment for your anxiety, OP, if you’re this crippled by anxiety about a ‘creative’ pregnancy announcement and ‘deserving’ the same excitement as your SIL before you’ve even started trying to conceive,

I agree with this. You need to calm down.

Hard agree!

As a mum whose daughter miscarried a couple of months ago don't go over the top.
Your excitement at getting pregnant is real. But just tell people quietly. Miscarriage is common and honestly the mental anguish I have felt since my daughter lost her babies (it was twins) at 9 weeks has been so painful.
My daughter said to me "the innocence of getting pregnant has gone" she'll never feel as excited again as she will be too worried.

Your sil will still be feeling awful.
I do hope you get pregnant quickly and all goes well but don't get over excited as the fall back to reality is awful.

Yes, this OP. You aren’t anxious- you are trying to work out how you can still do your big reveal without looking heartless. (Also kind here to hear how this game reveal works tbh)

If you are successful, then just tell your SIL quietly before anyone else so she has time to process - especially if your family are prone to over excitement. Don’t involve her in any over the top elaborate reveals of anything, unless she specifically is happy to be as such.

Best of luck with your TTC 💐

Well, SIL was an idiot telling the world at two weeks. PIL’s were idiots for going so OTT. You’re an idiot for getting wound up about something you may never go through.

And a huge pregnancy announcement with games etc is tasteless. You aren’t the first woman to have a baby. And you ought not have anything like that until baby is in your arms with both of you (both of you, I say) hale and hearty. Yes, I am old.

Just take things in the normal course of events and be quietly thankful if and when everything works out for you.

Don’t do the gender reveal, no one cares but you. Stop borrowing grief from the future and just carry on as you were. TTC, relax etc and deal with announcing it when it happens