Assist partner in Dignitas or not?

[cakedup]

What would you do?
Partner has had life limiting condition for last 5 years which has gradually worsened. Been together 8 years.

He is applying for Dignitas, he has asked his close friend if he would accompany him and he said he would.

Should I offer to go too and support him? I don't know if I can. I don't think I'd be able to stop myself from getting emotional and I know he won't want to see me upset. But surely as his partner I should put aside my feelings.

Could you, would you?

Yes I would, I say that as someone who has recently been widowed and held DH's hand and talked to him as he slipped away. BUT it of course depends on how close you are, and whether he has asked you to be there. I'm so very very sorry that you find yourselves in such a tragic situation, it must be horrific for you both x

I would support my partner in his choice, I would find it difficult but would like to be there for him.

I had a close family member with a terminal illness and he was looking into Dignitas and I offered to go with him. He remained at home with nursing support instead as he wanted to wait as long as possible but due to frailty he would have to terminate his life sooner.

Sorry to hear you've been through that. I think if dp was dying naturally, I would definitely be there. But assisted suicide feels very different.

Yes, I would. It's something I would consider for myself and I hope my husband would be there to support me.

I find it absolutely bizarre that he hasn’t discussed it with you and you are sitting thinking about whether to offer to go or not. What kind of a partner is he? Do you live together? The idea of a someone simply making this decision and asking a friend to go along without speaking to their partner kind of indicates they don’t really see you as a proper partner.

Yes I would. But you should talk all this through with him.

I agree with this.

I'm so sorry you and your partner are in this position; I can't begin to imagine how horrible it must be for you.

To answer the question, I hope I would be there for him if he wanted me to be, but I honestly think no one can really know for sure till they are in that position.

Best wishes for whatever you decide.

A few years ago my husband mentioned (just in passing really) that he would go off somewhere and commit suicide if he was ever diagnosed with a terminal illness.
This upset me terribly as I wouldn’t have had a clue about it (he said he wouldn’t say anything beforehand) and I said if he really wanted to die like this I would accompany him to Switzerland where his wishes could be carried out (but I would not administer any measures myself).
He agreed in the end and after I said his way would be absolutely awful for the family, imagine the police knocking at our door to say he had been found somewhere and we had known nothing about it.
I said I would like similar help from him should I ever need it. That is how we have left it.

No, but I'd pray for them.

But he hasn’t asked you to come. Perhaps that says something . If my partner hadn’t asked me I’d respect his wishes. That experience will stay with you for a lifetime if you haven’t been asked then don’t put yourself through it.

I would. I think it would be natural to be emotional but hopefully wouldn't let that take the focus off my partner. Perhaps your partner has asked his friend because he knows you might struggle? Whether you should offer maybe depends how long you have been a couple (dating 6 months or living together for 17 years, with a jointly owned house and two children).

I know someone who went to Dignitas, and spoke a lot with his wife during and after. She was grateful the whole family was with him at the time. It was a complex process to get in place, it is not something that happens without a lot of checks and balances. I think I would go (entirely hypothetical as I am a widow).

I am fully in support of assisted suicide and I am therefore relieved that your partner has the funds to enable him to make this choice, OP.

However, before you commit yourself to going with him, just do some research into your legal position. I'm sure you won't want to be investigated by UK police on your return.
(The same applies to your partner's friend).
I think there are ways around it, but you do need to be very careful.

There’s a documentary called Simon’s Choice about a man with MND choosing Dignitas. Unfortunately it’s been removed from iPlayer, but his wife was extremely against it and wouldn’t even discuss it, until one day he tried to kill himself at home. Then she realised how important it was to him, and she did go with him and was with him at the end. It was a very difficult watch but if you can find it somewhere online, I would recommend it. It was oddly uplifting in the end; he got the power back and left this world of his own choosing. And she recognised that it was the right decision for him and supported him.

If it were my partner, I would want to be there, but I find it strange he’s asked his close friend but apparently you haven’t had that discussion? Have you been together long? As that obviously changes the perspective. I think it’s worth an honest discussion, where he says exactly what he wants, rather than you offering when he hasn’t said he wants that. It needs to come from him I think, but he needs to have the opportunity to have that discussion in the first place.

We do not live together full time, I spend a few nights a week at his house. He has two young adult children as do I. He did ask me to accompany him a couple of years ago but I dismissed it, and said I believed he could get better with proper treatment and that we should try that first. Also I would feel responsible....how would his children, family and friends react to my helping him to die? What if its the 'wrong' decision? Would I always feel I had a part to play? Maybe he's just having a rough patch.

He has even mentioned that it would be easier for us both if he split up with me beforehand. He hates putting me through all of this. I hate seeing him suffer all the time and completely understand why he is considering it. But the reality of it is overwhelming.

Funny enough he has a very similar condition. I'll look for the film.

Yes I realise we need a proper discussion about this. Ideally when he is having a good day. I just wanted to be a bit prepared.

I am sorry to say this but I think you have to research the legalities, I think you can be investigated when you return to the UK. I know there was some media coverage about this last year. I think you have to be quite careful.

I hadn't realised...thank you, will look into it.

Definitely not. Family members ended up
being the questioned by the police after doing this. Assisting a suicide.

It may be legal there but it isn’t here. His doctor reported it as they have to do so. There was NFA by the police but it was stressful and upsetting.

No, I live in Switzerland. There have been various scandals over the years with Dignitas and the other assisted dying organizations. Some quite recent.
Also if the person changes their mind at the last minute - or when it’s too late - that would be very hard.
There is also no guarantee their death would be painless/quick. Things do go wrong.
I would not go with them.