Do you need to respect your DP?

[Ophidos]

And what does this mean to you?

I’m not one for an argument! I do like a debate about ideas

This is exactly what provoked my musings

The twin pillars of any relationship are trust and respect. If you don't have both, walk away.

Unless they are incredibly beautiful and fantastic in bed and you are just using them for sex, then yes, I would say you do need to have respect for them..

I agree.

and having sex with a man who does not respect me? Not good either. Not good at all.

I have no attraction if I don't have respect for the person and they must too respect me.

I think those things are basic requirements for being an adult so yes I would struggle to respect someone who couldn’t or wouldn’t do those things, and I wouldn’t be in a relationship with them. A romantic relationship is a partnership, it’s hard to be in partnership with someone who can’t cover the basics.

But surely you just have sex with them, or have a very casual ‘fun’ relationship without strings or any expectation that there’s a committed future? You don’t waste years of your life on them, and you certainly don’t contemplate children with them.

Of course. I don't even want a partner, but if I did? That's the bare minimum.

Yep. I’m old, so not looking for the father of my dc- I wouldn’t even contemplate that with someone with very different values

There’s no relationship without respect imo.

So is it that you have someone in mind, and they’re fun, but you don’t respect their views or values, you think they are irresponsible with money, easily influenced and a poor parent? And you’re wondering whether to start or stay in a relationship with them?

Yes! I was trying to articulate this when i posted earlier (it was too early !) but couldn't find the words.

I mean the majority of us want the same values in a human being if we're going to chose to share our lives with them long term. Like basic kindness. To animals and kids. ect ect

But there has to be something ..... i can't name it ... for me. It wasn't there with first husband and i was too young to see that.

Second husband - it's there in bucket loads and even after 20 years together i still get butterflies. It's not just physical but mental.

I respect him. I would never mess him around. He's good at stuff - built our house - he's very bright, he's usually right, and is also kind ect. He's good looking and he carries himself well. He was right off the rails till his mid 20s and knows the pit falls of drink drugs ect. He will mentor youngsters at work as much as he can.

He has traits which i know (from reading mumsnet for years) would put others off him immediately. But what ever it is which works for me he's got it and he's got my respect.

If you’re talking about a fuck buddy, no I don’t think you need to have respect for them/their values/their beliefs etc. As long as you fancy them, you both have a good time together and treat each other respectfully, that’d be all that was required for me (as long as they were a decent human being of course). However, it’s massively different with a partner. The expectations for everything would be so much higher. I would definitely need to have respect for what they valued and believed and who they were as a person. I couldn’t love anyone that I didn’t respect. Even if their values were different from mine, as long as they had strong reasons that made sense behind them, then I could respect them.

Yes. Although I disagree about looks. For me, there needs to be something they do really well. It could be empathy. Or a practical skill.

Kind of, although I picked traits I thought showed the kind of things I was thinking about more generally

I’ve kind of slipped into a situation which is fun in some ways, but it occurred to me that maybe the respect is lacking and that made me wonder what others think

i can be quite judgey so I like to consider whether it’s a me thing!

I am very independent and self motivated, so I don’t need to rely on anyone. Though it might be nice!

And there are no arguments, nothing like that

I wouldn’t have had three babies with someone I don’t respect. That would be a terrible idea.

We have quiet an equal relationship and I wouldn’t say he’s “the head of the household” but he does have a solid say and if he doesn’t want me to do something and he has a good reason or it makes him uncomfortable then I won’t do it. That works both ways though. He can’t forbid me from doing anything and I can’t forbid him from doing anything but we tend to listen to one another. Happy wife happy life and all that (and happy husband happy life).

I respect and value his opinion above basically anyone else apart from maybe my mum and dad. I really respect his work ethic and drive to provide a good life for us. When I met him I was actually his boss and within a year of meeting he’d been promoted above me and let me cut my hours to focus on my degree (we worked at spoons). He never held money over me and encouraged me to save my money, he really made my life easier during my degree. When I was pregnant he made my life easy, I hear about and know a lot of woman who’s husbands were fucking useless when they were pregnant so I’m thankful he did that - I mean I think that should be standard but it’s obviously not.

I think if you can easily imagine a scenario where you'd be embarrassed by then, it's not going to last much longer. In the mean time, just a bit of fun?

Thank you all for your thoughts

I need to think on this

You don't have to agree with their views or values but it can be difficult in practice if they are very different from yours.
You don't have to believe that they are intelligent but hopefully you wouldn't be with someone you found irritatingly stupid.