Regretting saying no to my ex and struggling with single parent loneliness

[BlackDolphins]

I don’t really know what I’m asking for here, maybe just a vent or to see if anyone else relates.
My ex broke up with me, but afterwards he did try a few times to get back together and I said no each time. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I honestly regret it.
I haven’t met anyone since, and with having the kids full time, I don’t really have the opportunity to. What’s shocked me most is how much it feels like society expects mums with children to just stay alone forever. People say “surround yourself with friends and family”, but what if you don’t really have either? I’ve drifted from family over the years because the relationships weren’t healthy, and I don’t really have friends either.
The thought of spending the next 18 years alone feels overwhelming. I’m already halfway through it, and it’s become painfully clear how isolated my life is. If I’d known loneliness could feel this intense, I probably would’ve given my ex another chance.
It genuinely hurts sometimes. I can go weeks without having a proper conversation with another adult, apart from saying a few words to staff at my children’s school. That’s basically my social interaction.
I never imagined I’d regret not trying again with my ex, but I think I do now and it’s far too late. I missed my chance to try again.

How are people supposed to cope with years and years of this? I didn’t choose to be a single mum. He left me.
Maybe I just want to know I’m not the only one who feels like this.

OP how old are your kids? I don't think you have to stay alone forever just because you're a mum. You're allowed to have a social life and it's actually beneficial for your children to see you being social. Do you work? Do your children do after school activities where you could get involved/volunteer and get to know other parents?

If I were you, I'd try and find a good reliable babysitter so that you can have an evening out every now and again. This could be an older female neighbour or an older teenager, you could put some feelers out on local Facebook groups and ask for references. Or you could advertise at a local college that has students in early years education.

https://family-action.org.uk/self-help/combating-loneliness-finding-a-community-of-single-parents/

https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/your-community/groups/

Here's a couple of resources for making connections with other single parents. You could also post something on local Facebook groups saying you'd like to meet other mums in your area and meet up for coffee or at the park? I'm sure there are other mums in the same position as you who would like to make some friends. Once you've established some friendships you could take turns to mind each other's kids to give you a break and your kids will be making friends too!

My children have Sen they cannot be left with sitters but thanks for the advice and comment. My kids are also older kids not little ones so wouldnt want to meet up with other kids in the park 😔 but thank you

Are there any support groups for SEN parents in your area? Or carers groups that have meet ups? Are your children in school? Could you work term time, school hours or volunteer for a few hours during the school day? It takes effort but if you want to feel less lonely, you need to be proactive and try and find creative ways to meet and make friends. Good luck OP 💐

Does your ex know that your feelings towards him have changed? That you regret saying no to him and have changed your mind? Could you reach out to him and let him know (no pressure, obviously) that things have changed?

Regardless of that, you do need some friends, or at least nice acquaintances. You can't get all your needs met from one man, thats what girlfriends are for.

Do you work? Thats the obvious place to meet potential friends?

Hello, I could have written your post myself. Just sending solidarity. It's so lonely. There's no easy answer. I have a little bit of time when children are in school so focus on the very few friendships I have then. I've also joined few fitness/ yoga classes which has given me more purpose, time for me and unexpectedly a bit of a sense of community. Feel free to private message me.

Im studying from home after being an unemployed carer for a long time

I don’t have friends, my kids have Sen and people avoid us due to my kids behaviour, they also don’t like going out or leaving the house so it is impossible to build any connections with people. I will not reach out we last spoke a year ago so that would be very weird and I don’t know what his situation is anyway he may have met someone else by now which I suspect he has as he normally wouldnt leave it so long between contact

But this doesn’t read as though you do want your ex. What you want is a way not to be alone and not to feel lonely. He’s the only person you can think of to stop this. That really isn’t the answer.

Solidarity and good wishes..

Thank you thats very kind and sorry you are in the same situation

Thanks but I’ve tried making friends it goes nowhere; everyone said I’d make loads of friends when my kids started school but I didn’t, the mums ignore us and avoid us because my child has behavioural problems and also because my kids don’t talk to other kids or want any friends. I have given up trying there now.

Can you volunteer while the kids are in school?

My child has only started school i am studying whilst they are at school.

Also the hard part isnt when they are at school, it’s the weekends and evenings where I feel lonely.

Is your ex the children's father? Does their father see them at all?

he is their father

Those still aren’t reasons to get back with your ex, though. Scrape the barrel and you get splinters.

I’d be far less lonely than I am now. I was happy with him he broke up with me.

Does he see your DC ? If he takes them out you could have the opportunity to socialise or take up a hobby .

No he doesn’t see them

I’m a bit confused - why doesn’t he see them? If he took them twice a week, you could go out and socialise.

Because he won’t

Why would you be wishing you had got back together with a man who is so useless he can’t even be bothered to see his own children?!