Is this controlling or am I thinking too much into it?

[Tillow4ever]

History: Growing up as the eldest daughter, I always had to be the “good” one. Never cause trouble for my parents, always do as I was told, don’t kick up a fuss, say “yes Dad” when he was telling me off for something that he didn’t agree with (my mums advice). When I was going to uni, my mother persuaded me to live at home and commute instead of moving in with my friend as planned. As an adult, I’ve always deferred to them and do whatever they ask/tell me etc.

Last year, I finally confided in them that I wanted to leave my husband. It was hard for me to do this, but I’d finally seen a possible way of escaping as historically I just couldn’t afford to. Basically, they’d told me a few weeks earlier that they were selling one of their houses to my sister but only for the value she could get a mortgage for, and the difference would be part of her inheritance early. Great idea I thought, and was really pleased for her. I asked them if they would consider loaning me the money they got from her to help me get a house I had seen that I thought I could afford and I would repay it when the family home was sold (so not asking for the money permanently, but couldn’t guarantee how long it would take). They said they might be able to but disagreed with the house I was looking at saying it was too expensive, too big (it was 4 bedrooms - I have 3 sons (20, 18 & 14 so all were a year younger at the time) and with the size of the rooms, I felt it best to have a room each if possible. I got the impression they didn’t want to help, so I dropped it.

Yesterday my dad asked me if I could get a mortgage for a £300k house if I had the £120k from them. I said I wasn’t sure & asked why. He told me the bungalow next door to them had just gone ok the market for that price and they’d help me to buy it. He said it was going to need a bit of work doing and decorating but I could do that over time etc and how I’d struggle to get a house like that and that size for that money. It’s a 3 bedroom and it’s more than the house I was looking at last year. The other house was a 10 year old new build, and in no need of decorating etc.

I laughed and said I didn’t want to live next to them and he got a bit funny, as did my mum, telling me not to be silly and how I should really look at it etc.

I came away feeling like my eyes had been opened and realising how and why I ended up in a controlling relationship my entire life - because I think my parents are controlling me. Is it controlling that they’ve basically only offered to help me if I buy the house literally right next door to them rather than the one I was looking at a mile away? Or should I be grateful they are offering to help and take them up on the offer? I’m concerned that I’ll be stretching myself to my limit financially and I’ll have nothing to afford the decorating needed. It has a large front and rear garden that I have zero interest in. It has no off road parking. It has 1 bedroom less than I need in an ideal world, although I have looked at 3 bed properties as well thinking I’ll find a way to make it work if needs be.

Would you move in next door to your parents? They already use me and my sister to feed their cat daily as they are virtually never home - so I imagine they’d assume that makes it easier for it to just be me that does it.

Thank you for reading!

yes you have learned a valuable lesson: not only are they controlling of you but they favour your sister and treat you as the “utility child”—look it up and see if it fits. They want you to move next door to them to be able to use snd control you more. They will never freely offer a helping hand with no strings attached.

Thank you! I always suspected she was the favourite despite her always being the one who was in trouble and doing the wrong things. They’ve always given and done more for her than me, despite growing up me being the one expected to do everything for them.

It was really the hypocrisy over the comments about the house price that made me open my eyes.

They’re future-proofing - looking to when they are older and need care and who better to provide it than the dutiful daughter next door. If you all had a respectful relationship then maybe you would want to, but it sounds unhealthy. Don’t do it would be my advice.

You don’t want this property. You can say no, and you don’t have to pacify them

Kerrist, don’t move in next door. They are future proofing, and making sure their carer is in place for when they need one. I hope you have seen the light op, these people are only thinking of themselves, and possibly golden child, not you.

Don’t move next to them
Don’t ask to borrow money from them

Thank you - you know when you’ve doubted yourself for so long you start to question your own sanity? That’s how I feel.

You all sound very enmeshed

I love my parents but I would never have wanted to live next door to them! Don't do it 😳

No, they'd already agreed to sell your sister the house, it's hardly fair to backtrack.
It is a bit enmeshed though.

You can be grateful and still not take their offer.

At some point, you have to realise that if they have any influence on you, that's because you're allowing them the control.

It's not the case when we're children, obviously.

As you can see, you do have a choice so just don't accept their offer and you've controlled the situation!

It sounds like a recipe for disaster. I'd steer clear!

They’re probably trying to buy your sisters affections as they know she’ll be less likely to step up and support them without financial ties to persuade her. Whereas if you’re more easily controlled they’ll want you next door to care for them. Despite not bothering about your sons having to share a room.
Don’t let them do that, it’s not big enough for you, stay firm.

They haven’t back tracked on my sister. That sale has all gone through. And they’ve had the money from her mortgage company and have invested it.

I can see a certain amount of enmeshment in a way - particularly with my sister. I live in the same town as both although did move away for 7 years when I was younger. I probably only see my parents once a month at the most, but I’m rather house most days feeding the cat because they aren’t there. They don’t have any involvement or say in my day to day life etc, but I do find their choice of words cut deep and stick with me when they’re being critical… which I’m now realising is often.

I do wonder now if suggesting the house next door is their way of trying to pull me back closer and try to regain insight into my life. I know my sister goes round (when they’re home) on her way home from work quite often as she finishes early. They have her daughter overnight or for weekends away quite frequently. Less so as she’s gotten older. They haven’t babysat for us in 12/13 years, basically since our youngest was a toddler. I’ve deliberately not asked because there was always conditions and judgement I’ve noticed.

Thank you! I think this was the lightbulb moment for me. How they were suddenly so pushy and willing to help but only for this particular house that’s more expensive than the one I had wanted to buy. I wasn’t even going to move that far away - I’d have still easily been able to come round to feed the cat when they were away… but I am wondering if in their minds it was physically further than I am now (a 5 minute walk tops - not intentional, was just the only house big enough with a garden we could afford at the time).

That’s a really good point. She’s always been the irresponsible one, never thinking of the future, only thinking of herself and what she wants. When she has her baby (early 30’s) I think me and my mum looked after her more than she did for the first 2 years because she was always palming her off on one of us.

I think this is harsh. I can’t speak for them, but I do love my parents and sister. I don’t always like them or the things they say, but that’s not the same as not loving them.

I don’t get these family dynamics.

Not much love but all so entwined in one another’s lives

I came away feeling like my eyes had been opened and realising how and why I ended up in a controlling relationship my entire life - because I think my parents are controlling me.

they are critical of you
They have always favoured your sister

It’s nice that you say you love them but they sure as heck don’t seem to deserve it

They are offering you this money with some seriously massive strings attached, and I agree with a pp who says they are future-proofing so there is a ready-made carer living next door when the time comes. You will never get away from their clutches.

Exactly this. It’s a really bad idea, OP.

They are VERY controlling, and there's nothing generous about their offer. They want you next door, in a house they chose, bought with a money contribution from them, so that they can control you even more. It's all for them.
You've realised this but even now you doubt yourself - this shows just how badly they've affected you.
Keep a bit of distance from them and you'll feel so much more free and less tense.

Thank you all. When my eldest went to uni, I had a sudden realisation that my parents had been selfish when they’d encouraged me to stay at home instead of moving in with my friend. They’d made out that they were doing me a huge favour, that it was in my best interests etc. I only realised when my son left for uni and I was sad he was moving out that they’d been doing the selfish thing instead of what was right for me. That was the start of the wool coming away from my eyes I think.

I have no intention of taking them up on their “offer”, especially now you’ve all confirmed what I thought. I’ve actually commented that if they really wanted to help me, they’d help me to buy my husbands share of the house. That way the kids & I wouldn’t have to move. I don’t expect them to do that, but I’m hoping it will stop them mentioning the house next door again. I’ve never asked them for anything before this, and even then my original request was a short term loan, not a gift like my sister had. They basically gifted her around 180k towards the house based on its market value, and I never had a penny from them for anything. Got to admit, it does sting a bit.

Thank you all for helping me realise I’m not imagining this.

Perhaps stop going to their house most days and feeding their cats. Surely you have better things to do. And really…. It’s back to the enmeshment point again