Forever adjusting my expectations in marriage

[hm45]

I married my husband because I knew him to be a very kind human being. Helpful and well liked. When we started dating he appeared to be interested in what I am, watching the tv I was, happy to do the events I liked. He lied to me at first about his education level- then apologised and said he was embarrassed as I had two degrees already - but I didn’t care too much. I was focused on him being a good man overall.

But what is kind when you lack emotional intelligence?
As the years went on I had to always adjust my expectations - no easy communication, not even capable to argue. Getting overwhelmed very quickly.
It got especially difficult after dc. He simply did not seem to understand children. So I stopped after one while accepting my child is not going to have the father I wanted for him. Everything with dc is my job - building his character, teaching him maths patiently, feeding him healthy food instead of wanting to ‘treat’ him on daily basis, explaining football to him…

My dh is on his phone a lot. We all say it’s addictive but you have to realise and accept that so you can try and control it. He doesn’t. And he’s not reading established news outlets, magazines or ebooks on there. It’s all the SM rubbish. And with so much gaps in his knowledge he believes the bs as it’s less boring. The misinformation on there is so much and he is easily influenced by it.

I keep lowering my expectations of him. Not expecting a good conversation. Not expecting him to have ideas about the weekend, holidays. Not expecting him to be interested in health issues and proactive about him choosing healthy over unhealthy.
Not expecting him to pass on to his dc anything but ‘work ethic’.

And yeah, he has a good job and works a lot. My parents adore him. He’s great and helpful (according to others). He can fix many things around the house as well as maintain his vehicles. He is very good at driving anything and everything. I do respect him for his many practical skills.

But I’ve come to realise you are only truly kind if you have self awareness; and you only have true empathy if you have emotional intelligence; and you only have good judgment if you have learned about the world and its ways (even if not through school).

But did you marry very quickly after meeting, OP? Was his low emotional IQ not obvious before you married him?

You sound mismatched. It is very frustrating when things you believe to be absolutely normal human behaviour are found to be lacking in others.

Contempt is one of the four horsemen that destroy relationships.

@SilkSilkyes - fairly quickly. And I went through bereavement soon after meeting him and he was very caring.

I’m sure he is perfectly capable and competent at work and able to learn new skills… so it is a bit of a mystery as to why he can’t master simple things at home.

Honestly OP it sounds like you have 2 children… if you’re asking mumsnet for permission to leave, or asking if it’s bad enough… then you probably already know it is.

This was my ex. A great guy to the rest of the world, but in our home, selfish and absent from family life. No self control. No self awareness. Incapable of being a father. The only thing he did consistently was love me. But with no intention of trying to do things to maintain our relationship because his sole viewpoint was selfish. And yet not consciously, it wasn't malicious.

It was at the root of why I left him. Obviously there were other specific things, but his lacking of ability in anything was at the root of them all.

You don't need anyone's permission OP to walk away. My own DH has been a poor quality father, and now wonders why our adult DC always message me/arrange things with me. It's because he completely neglected their needs growing up, prioritising himself each and every time. He's now repeating the same pattern with our grandchildren.

It's deeply unattractive.

You’ve just reminded me of an old friend of mine who married someone to whom she’s completely unsuited purely because she’d gone on a couple of not-serious dates with him when she was badly injured in a car crash and he was incredibly kind and hands-on caring as she recovered. She lives in the US, thousands of miles from family and was fairly newly in a new state for work, so not many close friends around. Now they’re married with children she realises that being kind and a good carer isn’t enough, but feels stuck.

I am more highly educated than my DH, but he is intelligent and can hold a great conversation, Education isn’t a barrier to him taking part in family life or wanting to share his thoughts, opinions and experiences. It isn’t a barrier for your DH either, he is actively choosing not to connect with you or your ds.

Life is a process of continually adjusting your expectations of other people, because everyone disappoints after the initial gloss wears off.
This is because we have ideals and normal humans are not ideal or perfect.
Relationships are about both people adjusting their expectations, forgiving flaws, communicating, and hopefully both growing as individuals through the process.

Of course, if you are unhappy and the relationship brings more pain than joy, you have every right to leave.
Just beware: the grass isn't greener elsewhere. Don't expect to find another partner who is better than the last - good men are hard to find and it is slim pickings out there. You may be single for years and years.

Only leave if you are happy to remain single.

Thanks for reading and to those who have replied.

I have never expected perfect, but you need your partner to have some flexibility, to be able to adjust, especially to having a very-much-wanted child, and be somewhat self aware. To be able to communicate meaningfully.
You are not such a ‘good man’ when you have a fragile ego and insecurities, it turns out. When you never admit fault.

I just needed to tell somebody today so I posted on here. Thanks.

He wouldn't be for me, OP. I can see why your parents like him if he's otherwise good to you, but he's not good for you or your son, in my opinion.