So some background… I posted on here just 2 weeks ago about Dd(12) and her intense relationship with a school friend - whose influence on and behaviour towards Dd I was worried about. (Lying, sex obsession, previous bullying etc). It actually blew up extremely quickly. Once Dd had found out about the bullying, other lies and unpleasant behaviour became really obvious too. Dd ended up doing a total 180 and wanted break away from this girl. She actually reported some very serious safeguarding concerns to the school and as a result they’ve been moved away from each other in classes and Dd spends break with other children instead. The girl is still messaging her but from what I can tell Dd responds politely with without engaging in conversation.
The other hugely important bit of background is that DH died by suicide last year. We’ve been muddling along but Dd doesn’t like talking about it. I know she felt some guilt about what happened. Obviously we’ve spoken at length lots and lots of times about how nothing is her fault, and she totally gets this most of the time, but when she feels low I think doubt still slips in. She’s about to start counselling at school.
Dd has an autism diagnosis.
Dd is very open about some things, but holds back sharing some information about herself. I get this as I was like this as a teen and still can be now (although I do my very best to not b like this with DD). I know I don’t always get the full truth from her. I wouldn’t call it lying, more compartmentalising. It’s something I’m aware of though and try and take into account when she’s projecting an ‘everything’s great’ narrative about things. obviously I don’t always get things right, but I try to be super vigilant. I was really worried when she was friends with the girl as I could see lots of subtle negative changes in her.
Last night I found out Dd has been making herself sick. She initially tried to deny it but in the end admitted it’s been going on a few months. She says it’s not every day but maybe weekly. Obviously this may or may not be true but in hindsight it does tally with things I remember. The 2 month timescale fits in with her friendship and I know the girl has disordered eating herself but I’m not sure whether I can fully blame it on that. She was upset on Friday because a boy had been calling her fat (not for the first time this child has done this). Dd isn’t overweight at all and is a healthy weight but she is also not beanpoleish like some of her peers and I know this bothers her sometimes. I imagine in her mind there’s a weight loss side to making herself sick as well as an emotional one.
I just need advice about what to do now. Where on earth do I start? She says she will just stop but obviously it’s not that simple. How do I help her without pushing her into totally secrecy or accidentally making the issues worse. I feel like I’ve failed her at the point she needed me the most. Until a few months ago I actually thought she was doing well and I just feel so stupid.