Worried about DS

[Sally3490]

NC for this. I read my 18 year old sons diary today. I know I shouldn't have and I don't know what made me do it, but I am glad I did. He is self harming and talks repeatedly about suicide. There was even a suicide note in there from 2024.🙁 I had no idea he felt this way.

He said he cut himself so deeply a few weeks ago that he bled for 2 hours. It's on his upper legs where we never see his skin. He is always covered up.

He's in his final year of A levels and decided not to apply for uni. He has no clear plans but says he's had enough of education. We are happy for him to have a gap year to work out what he wants.

No girlfriend and never has. He talks about girls he likes in the diary, and how one of them is talking to someone else after I Italy taking to him.

He moved to his current school from another school for Year 12. Most people already knew each other as it's a sixth form attached to a school. I thought he had settled well, but he says all the way through the diary that he wants to feel like everyone else, so clearly he doesn't feel settled at all..

He has dyslexia and ADHD and went to a special school for Year 7 to 11. The school he is in now is a mainstream school.

He says he annoys people and doesn't know what to say.

DHs dad died in December after 2 years of cancer.

I'm putting all this info in to provide context as I can see why he may feel the way he does when you consider his age, change of school, A levels and the death of his grandad.

I have tried to talk to him many times, but he is a closed book..

I haven't told DH and I don't know if I should. He has enough on his plate.

I haven't said anything to DS.

Well get him help. Anything, everything. There is such a high rate of mental health difficulties in people who are neurodivergent. You can’t ignore this.

Do I tell him what I've read ? Or does that risk him shutting down more ? Do I tell DH?

@Sally3490
Yes, tell your husband. I know it’s not the best time, but a parent dying is within the normal lifecycle, a teenage son self harming and thinking about suicide is not.

If it were me I’d have to admit to having seen the diary, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to justify the seriousness that I would want to put into helping him.
Using something like, “I saw a news story about… or so and so told me about a friend’s son” might work if it hadn’t got this far, say he was depressed but not suicidal, but I think this has gone past that.
You need to openly push for all the help you can get him, without pretending that you don’t know how serious this has become.

I'm worried if I tell him what I've read that he will be angry and upset (rightly so) and not tell me anything. He's very, very difficult to talk to. He's mentioned before that he doesn't know what to say to people and that came up alot in the diary. I know he finds parties very difficult. I was wondering about starting with saying I've been thinking about what he has said before about not knowing what to say to people and how I read something that might help, like thinking of questions to ask people and pre planning things to talk about before you go out. I'm pretty certain he has social anxiety. Although he is fine when he attends a sport he is good at and talks to everyone there.

I'm not sure about telling DH. I don't want him worrying about all this whilst he is grieving his dad.

I agree with the others, you need to tell DH. If DH isn’t coping with his grief then perhaps he needs some support with this?

Think though how DH will feel if he finds out that you’ve been hiding this information, and how you feel, from him?

You could talk to Papyrus before telling your DH though as they should be supportive.

I don’t know if the book Helping Teens Who Cut woulf be of any use?

If he is struggling with what to say to people, I know it’s a cliche but the book How to Win Friends and Influence People is literally a guide on what to say.

If he struggles to talk and shuts down how about writing or texting him? Maybe puts less pressure on him and he may begin to open up like he has in his diary?

Hugs, on a broader point, Perhaps listening to other people with ADHD may help his mental health if he won’t engage with actual therapy. There’s a good podcast called ADHD Matters that might help him start understanding how his ADHD might be impacting his confidence in social situations. So sorry you’re going through this.

Thank you all. DS is out at the gym. I have told DH who is devastated. I feel bad for saying anything. We don't know whether to tell him we know as he starts his A levels next week. I'm scared of tipping him over the edge .

I have no idea whether you should mention it now or wait until after his A’Levels have finished.

I’ve had one with ADHD go through A’Levels and it wasn’t easy and we weren’t going through anything like you are experiencing

I wouldn’t tell your ds you have read his diary. You need to open up some sort of dialogue so he knows you live and support him. Contact Papyrus or Young Minds charity for advice on a way forward.

You need to speak to him ASAP. So many young men are lost to suicide. I say to my kids that there is nothing they can't tell me, I won't judge, I am always there for them and there is nothing in life that would change the way I love them.
It is extremely difficult to get help, the college where I work has counselling available for all students but it could be better to pay for someone who specialises in self harm . It is upsetting to know that so many young people have anxiety and stress and depression but they don't need to be alone, help him to get help.💕

@Sally3490 I don’t know if you can do a disingenuous ie say I read a really scary article about suicide the other day. Or something along those lines. I know I did actually read one recently with stats about ADHD, maybe try and open up a conversation that way, I definitely wouldn’t tell him you read his diary. Is he on ADHD meds, some can exacerbate anxiety, others can help with emotional regulation so perhaps a review is in order.
Found this don’t know if it will help.
https://prevent-suicide.org.uk/neurodiversity-suicide-prevention-hub/adhd/