Did pregnancy bring up anger about your relationship with your mum?

[wasvs]

Did you become angry at your mum while pregnant?

My mum has always been hands off. She worked hard on a business she loved and outsourced parenting. Then resented that she spent so much money on us.

Now she feels deep regret at having us, resents us as she has little money, yet still thinks she's a great mother.

She never once played with me as a child, doesn't know my inner soul, and talks about herself a lot.

She's ver sweet by nature and gentle but also autistic and I expect that comes into it.

I just can't forgive her for my childhood. She chose herself and the easy route and she continues to. I have gone to so much therapy I can't afford any more.

My siblings didn't agree with me until my sister gave birth 3 years ago. They she has the moment ' how could you?'

My mum handed us to nanny's from day 1 and we were trained not to bother her. My sister now hardly talks to my mum and feels so much anger. She knew how deeply unhappy I was but her deep unhappiness took priority.

She has never apologised or taken any responsibility. She just talks about how hard it was for her and goes into victim mode.

My dad is a different story but ill stick to my mum for this post.

Now I am pregnant. And I have this really toxic chain of thoughts.

I feel this is her chance to make up for the lack of support in my life.

But obviously that wont happen. I feel the only way to heal is if my mum steps up to being a mum.

So my mind goes to maybe if I make her feel like a really shit mother and really pile on the guilt she may help and I will feel healed.

It's so silly as I know it won't work and will just cause me upset.

My mum was polite when I announced my pregnancy immediately followed by how busy she was and to not expect her to be hands on but she will be 'very supportive' and meet up with me for a coffee once a week.

it just filled me with rage.

We have no other family within 9 hour drive. I just cant fathom thinking like her.

I have a fantasy that a lovely lady will move in next door who never got to be a mum and will become the mother I always wanted.

A bit different because I’m no contact with my mum but in my first pregnancy I mainly just felt sad. Sad that I didn’t have her to be a part of the journey and to depend on, sad that she hadn’t cared enough to maintain a relationship and sad that I missed out on all of it because she was a terrible Mum. Like you I just couldn’t imagine being like that as a parent. It does bring up a whole host of emotions!

Congratulations on your pregnancy

My first pregnancy made me see my DM differently, but in a good way. I felt a bit neglected - middle child of 5 in a working class family with little spare money or time. Once I had DD at 25 I realised how challenging it had been for my parents - DM in particular. She had 5 children under 5 by the time she was 23, worked full time, we lived in a 3 bed terrace with an outdoor toilet and no bathroom until I was 7. I saw that she and my DF did their absolute best with the situation we were in. I don’t think I could have handled that life.

You may find it will help you understand your mum if you really delve deep into how autism presents in women and how being ASD affects her?

Not in pregnancy but yes since having the baby. My mum has continually made comparisons with her parenting and how things are different now, for example with safe sleep guidance, the fact we haven’t done cry jt out sleep training, the fact I am breastfeeding as she wasnt able to. It’s been difficult

Not pregnancy but post birth and the newborn and toddler stages.

My mother was an alcoholic and had alot of MH issues she refused to medicate. She was unpredictable, violent, manipulative and nasty. I went itno a deep PND for years because I could not imagine treating my own children like that. It sort of highlighted everything that was wrong with my life. She finally got appropriate medical support when I was in my late 20s. I am now 52 and struggle to forgive her tbh. I am trying. She's a much nicer person now buit still stays into manipulation and sheer nastiness. But thankfully she lives in Australia. And I do not.

thank you for sharing your stories. All my friends have the most amazing hands on mothers and I feel like the only one

She might surprise you. Mine was always hands off as a parent, very wrapped up in her career, Dad did all the hands-on stuff. She also suffered with extreme anxiety and I strongly suspect autism/ADHD (I only realised this when my DC were diagnosed). Anyway she was pleased when I got pregnant but made it clear she was not going to be one of those grandmothers that ran around after her DGC all the time (she had retired and seen friends do this). I was vowing to parent my DCs very differently to her. But as the time grew nearer she and Dad offered without any pressure from me to do a day's childcare a week and she turned out to be a brilliant grandmother. She said it was one of the best decisions she ever made and we all remain close now the DCs are adults.

@EnthusiasticDecluttering well my sister went first and got no support. My mum has looked after her child for 30m once. Then my mum moved away to my city (nothing to do with me being here) when the baby turned 1.

I think it is very common for parenthood to bring our own experiences as children into sharp focus.

It is very unlikely that your mother will change and you do not have to forgive or understand her.

I am sorry that you have had so much therapy and have not found something that helps.

I don't believe there is one straightforward way of 'fixing' how we feel or the effects of the parenting we received but I hope there are ways of learning how to ge kind and gentle to ourselves and to have the way we feel about our parenting have less of an impact on our current life and current happiness.

I hope you find ways of loving yourself, your own child and minimising the effect your mother has on your life going forward.

If you can find someone to support you who does not seek to fix you, I hope you will be able to find this as you navigate pregnancy and the early months of motherhood.

I would stop expecting her to change or that anything she does now as a grandparent is going to resolve your own childhood issues.

I can't answer for your sister's experience but I think if I had made my mum feel like a shit mother as you are suggesting that would have probably been the end of our relationship. As it was she probably realised to some extent for herself and we were able to move forward from there. It may be that it isn't possible to repair your relationship but I think in order to find any peace you need to leave the past behind at this point otherwise it is going to cloud your own enjoyment of parenthood.

So sorry op it's a shit club to be part of.

I'm likely audhd my parents are likely both somewhere on the spectrum but also both have their own trauma narcissistic tendencies. My mother is an alcoholic.

I do not parent how they did/do. Being audhd plus a ton of therapy and self work only means I am more aware of myself and my children's needs to please don't worry that alone could influence how you parent. But its handy information to understand your mother and why she might be the way she is and that it's not personal. (Although naturally it does feel personal)

I've taken the long way round with my own mother. It took me a long time to see the true her and accept she isn't a benefit to my life. I really craved and still do that motherly woman in my life. But it won't be her she just isn't capable. I have to mother myself. People that do love me like my husband also look after me, its never going to fill that mother void but it's all I have. I put so much effort in to the relationship thinking I could somehow influence her caring about me more. It just exhausted me. We have a parentified relationship where she is more like my child. I have recently gone lower contact not that it was ever high because she's never wanted that.

I think truly grieving that loss of the mother you deserve to have is key. Feel the rage because having your child will ignite it. It can feel like a rejection all over again for you and for them. My mother and father don't ask about my children they have no interest in them. That hurts.
Once you process it then let it go for you and your child. Times like Christmas or mothers day might still hurt but so it doesn't steal away time from you and your child you will need to accept it. Have zero expectations from her.

In my situation my parents have been a support to my sibling and really shoved that in my face which has been hard. The first year of my eldest life I was riddled with rage. I'd see neighbours with their parents coming over the help or take them on days out. I was drowning and angry they didn't care. I had to feel it but I also look back and I missed out on enjoying some precious moments with my eldest because I was in pain.
If you can afford it do more therapy if not maybe join the we took you to stately homes thread to get those feelings out in a safe space. If your sibling understands how it is then help eachother get through it.

@MightyGoldBear that feels so rubbish im sorry you experienced that

Do you want to have some sort of relationship with your mum or would you feel better if you stopped seeing her?

She was a completely hands-off mother to her own children and isn't trying to make amends by being a hands-on grandmother so you don't need to feel guilty if you pull right back from her.

If you retain some small hope that she will turn over a new leaf once she has seen your baby, you will probably be very disappointed. Being realistic about her limitations as a mother and grandmother and deciding what sort of relationship you want with her, if any, will probably be easier for you in the long run.

It was after giving birth for me. When I realised how much she resented having a child. I love my children unconditionally and I realised she didn't have the same love for me.

it's not really an option to stop seeing her. I am too obsessed with her and trying to get her to lvoe me when she said she would prefer to be my 'friend'

She has no other friends and relies on me for all emotional support

@blueybluetoes75 I feel the same my mum has taken no interest in my sisters kids and showed resentment to my sister. I just love this children from every ounce of my soul

Pregnancy, no. But parenting through the times in life that were traumatic for you as a child will bring up stuff. For me, I experienced abuse (not by my mum, but she also didn’t give a rat’s arse either) and those ages through up some stuff for me.

My pregnancy and me being a parent DID throw up some stuff for my mum though. I think she struggled a lot as a parent for complex reasons. Her reaction to me being pregnant was a reflection of that. She was more like concerned and annoyed than happy for Dh and I. And then she found seeing me parent really difficult, because it wasn’t hard for me like it was for her, so there was a lot of flapping around and shouting at me and my children because she found it very overwhelming.

We are NC now. Not strictly because of any of this, but because she just couldn’t keep my dc safe with all the issues that this threw up for her and because of her mental health and an unhealthy relationship (romantic one for her). It just became safer to not have her around anymore.

I looked down at my 12 week old baby and realised that my mum had taken her 12 week old baby (me) to other end of the UK and left her there for months. I couldn't imagine the pain of the separation. I'd always known that I'd lived with my grandparents but this was when i really understood what that separation meant.

She left me with her own parents - who she had never got on with - and went back to work. Now, I know that lots of parents over time have had to leave children with grandparents while they went back to work. Lots of my friends at school had been left in Spain while parents came to London to find work and get settled.

But, not once had she ever said that she had missed me. And she couldn't remember how long I'd been away or how many times I'd moved back and forth.

And then, when my baby was about 4 months old and I decided not to go back to work, she took offence at something I'd said and stopped speaking to me. For six years.

A few months later, dying in hospital, she called me to her bedside and said "I always loved you. We're okay, aren't we?"
Um. No, not really. But what do you say to someone who is dying?

And that was that.