I didn’t bond with my child at birth and I still haven’t five years on

[greygloomymay]

This is such a hard post to write and some of it will sound harsh but it’s just me being honest right now. Maybe I’ll reflect later and realise it isn’t quite that dire.

I didn’t bond with my mow five year old when I had him; he was a planned and wanted baby but I just didn’t. I wasn’t prepared for the reality of babies and this continues into toddlerhood. Things did improve as he got older, but by and large when he hits a challenging sort of time I just feel like I don’t even like him, which is awful.

He’s extremely loud, extremely messy, demanding, argumentative and stubborn. Probably fairly standard kid stuff but I find myself massively overreacting (I just lost it over him wasting a load of toilet paper) and when he’s around I’m tense, irritable and quick to anger. It’s horrible

Is anyone else like this … I don’t want to be, I don’t mean to be.

Op, that must have so hard to write. Have you been to the doctors about this? Maybe ask to speak to a female
doctor. It sounds like you have untreated post natal depression and could benefit from some medication?

Just because you haven't bonded doesn't mean you don't love him! I wasn't a baby person at all and didn't 'take' to either of mine until they went to school tbh - a combo of the pressure being off and seeing them as interesting little people rather than ball-and-chains! That's the first time I've admitted this (even to myself?) - I've always loved them though but just wasn't into babies. You'll be fine so try not to stress over it. Love is what matters, not the mythical bonding 💐
Edited to add.....do you get any time to yourself?

I meant that in the kindest way, I hope it didn’t come across as mean. I had post natal depression with my dd and very much needed the medication I was put on x

I have to admit I was like this when our first child was born. Very much a wanted child but I didn’t feel that “rush of love” that people talk about so much and struggles to establish breastfeeding and felt a failure and was made to feel a failure by family and health workers.

I found myself suddenly terrified and frozen and out of my depth, to the point where I felt living wasn’t worth it anymore. to this day I still don’t know quite how I got out of it all.

I love her very much but early years were so difficult, she was a poor sleeper until the age of three and I was beyond irritable due to it.

I had to get medication for PND but to be honest it didn’t “fix” my head as in I felt like my feeling were a bit less sharp but I still wasn’t all sunshine and happiness. BUT I do think you should try speaking to the doctors and hopefully there will be a dilution for you.

I think i started to get better when she was around 5 and I maybe a lot of this was to do with her entering full time education and it was almost like having a breather from the intensity of it all.
she is 12 now and an amazing, funny kid.

I wish you well.