Should I explain to my son why talk of his dad upsets us?

[Owlteapot]

Ex h was abusive in multiple ways. I left 3 years ago after 22 year marriage and 3 dc.
Younger 2 live with me and 23 year old ds lives with fiancé. Wedding is in 4 months.
2dc that live with me hardly see their dad, they saw and experienced some abuse ( things got worse in later years which is why I left)
Due to his age and being at work/ school friends eldest has a different view of his dad and a better relationship. I understand this.
Problem is every time I see him he talks about his dad, to me and siblings. This upsets them and me.
I have had a lot of counselling to even be able to contemplate going to the wedding and being in a room with ex. It still terrifies me quite honestly.
I don't know whether to talk to ds and explain, I don't want to cause issue with his dad or spoil their relationship but I also want him to understand why siblings feel like they do.
Anyone had similar and can offer advise please?

This sounds tough. Have you told him that it upsets you without explaining why? Even the fact that you're divorced should be enough explanation for being disturbed by the mention of his name, and a 23 y/o shouldn't need more justification and should respect your wishes. It is unkind to do otherwise, whether he has the 'explanation' or not. Of course the abuse is your truth and you have a right to tell him if you want to.

You shouldn't put this on to him you gave this person to your children as their father so it is no surprise thos person will always be in theor life and they shouldn't have to hide things

This is the life they now how because the adults in their life made ot this way do not burden them with this

Your DS is 23, living a separate life with a fiancee and about to be married. He is old enough to understand relationships vary and that others perceive things differently.

I would talk to him, explain that you are happy he has a good relationship with his father but that you and his siblings do not, otherwise you would still be married (probably!).

Let him see that you don't want to change his relationship but you would rather he didn't speak about his father to you as you find it difficult and hurtful.

At 23 he is old enough to understand that.

In what way does he talk about his dad to you? Constantly chapter and verse, or just an aside?

Talks about when he has seen him, what he's been up to.
Last time it was childhood stories, my recall of these can be different to his as expected. I remember the fear and anxiety in some of these situations but acted normal for the dc sake.

I haven't said anything yet as I find it hard to discuss ex without becoming emotional , don't want to project this on him and spoil their relationship.
I hoped he would just stop, but I think now is the time to ask him rather than expecting him to just know

He’s an adult, so yes I would tell him.

As a therapist and mother yes I would talk to him. He is an adult and well old enough to start to understand relationships. Also he will clearly remember things himself. He knows you are divorced and must have an inkling why.

keep it short and understanding that you are glad he has a good relationship with his father but discussing certain things can be upsetting for you as they were experienced very differently. He is old enough to underhand that.

It sounds almost as though he is doing this deliberately if it is after he has seen his Dad because he is being fed his Dad's take on your marriage and his childhood and he is accepting that as the reality.

He is an adult. I don't see how letting him to continue to upset you and his siblings in this way is fair on any of you. He is old enough to be told that there are two sides to what happened and that whilst you are glad his relationship with his Dad is a positive one the reality for you and his siblings was not. You should tell him the reason for your divorce .

I would tread carefully in spoiling what he sees as his happy childhood memories with what you experienced as a terrible and upsetting. My mum landed this on me and effectively ensured I cannot have any happy memories of my childhood as apparently she was suffering horribly and being brave for the children. She then has the cheek to get annoyed if I say I had an unhappy childhood - because it means her efforts were meaningless. Effectively, you will put your son in a 'no win' situation.

As the late queen said: 'recollections may vary' - his version of his father is as valid as yours.

I would tell him that recollections may vary and to respect you and his siblings right to their own. You don’t want him upsetting you all, you respect his relationship with his dad just like his siblings but you all find it hard and upsetting when he brings up the past or mentions his dad.
You don’t need to justify your trauma or make him understand you just need to him to stop deliberately or unintentionally upsetting you all.

You have to accept that is his narrative his story. Just say that s nice and move on.
He is ds dad.

This is a good post. Your children have a different relationship to the one you had with their father and of course different experiences. I wouldn’t put my experiences on to him and spoil his memories.

I don't think you quite understand the problem.